Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 15




















05o: Antonio Banderas / Mary J. Blige

Besos y Lagrimas

Paolo.....Antonio Banderas
Big Moustached Stud.....Fred Armisen
Big Moustached Villain.....Horatio Sanz
Old Lady.....Rachel Dratch
Sultry Looking Woman.....Kristen Wiig
Moustached One Eye Man.....Chris Parnell

(Telemundo programming board)

Announcer: A las Siete. Esos Gatos Locos. (At seven. Those Crazy Cats)

Y despues. La Vida Fabulosa de Paris Hilton. (And then. The Fabulous Life of Paris Hilton.)

Pero primero, Besos y Lagrimas. (But first, Kisses and Tears)

(Soap opera promo: Caption: Besos y Lagrimas. Sultry Looking Woman, Big Moustache Stud and handsome gardener, Paolo, with a rake. Cut to handsome gardener opening the door to the mansion, wipes sweat from his forehead, drinks glass of water. Sultry Looking Woman walks in holding a vase filled with flowers, notices the gardener, gasps, drops vase, vase shatters)

Sultry Looking Woman: Oh!!

Paolo: Perdone, señora. Solo quería un poco de agua. (Sorry, ma´am. I just wanted some water)

Sultry Looking Woman: Yo tambien. (Me too)

(Gust of wind opens Paolo´s shirt. Woman sighs with lust)

Sultry Looking Woman: Paolo!!

(They kiss, Big Moustached Stud walks in on them, he holds a glass bottle and a glass, freaks out, drops bottle and glass, it shatters)

Big Moustached Stud: Paolo!!

(Sad music plays, Sultry Looking Woman and Paolo embrace and slowly turn to the camera, agonizing quiet crying between them and Big Moustached Stud)

(Cut to promo. Paolo walks holding a rake over his shoulders, takes his straw hat off, wipes sweat off, fans himself with the hat.)

Announcer: Besos Y Lagrimas

Caption: Besos y Lagrimas

(Cut to Big Moustached Villain examining a tray full of diamonds)

Big Moustached Villain: Estos diamantes son de plastico. (These diamonds are plastic) (Diabolical laughter)

(Old lady holding a tray full of china walks in)

Old Lady: Los diamantes son de plastico? (Are the diamonds plastic?)

(Big Moustached Villain pulls out a gun)

Old Lady: Oh! Dios Mio!! Oh, oh, oh Dios!! (Oh, My God! Oh, God)

(Old Lady drops tray, shatters china, Paolo storms through the door, wrestles gun away from Big Moustached Villain, Paolo jumps back under the door frame, gust of wind blows his shirt open)

Old Lady: Paolo!!

(Paolo and Old Woman kiss passionately. Big moustached Villain cries bitterly, tear rolls down his cheek)

Big Moustached Villain: Paolo!!

(Paolo and Old Lady slowly turn to the camera, agonizing looks)

(Cut to promo, Sultry Looking Woman and Big Moustached Stud run towards each other, turn and dramatically pose for the camera, Old Lady head flies through the screen)

Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas

Caption: Besos y Lagrimas

(Cut to party in the mansion´s living room, a picture is covered in paper, Big Moustached Villain, Old Lady wearing a nightgown are standing to the left side of the picture, to the right a Moustached Eye Patched Man stands. Big Moustached Stud sits on the couch with Sultry Looking Woman, she holds a baby, everyone is holding drinks)

Moustached Eye Patched Man: Y ahora la pintura. (And now, the painting)

(Moustached Eye Patched Man pulls paper away revealing painting of Paolo holding a rake with his shirt blown open by gust of wind. Everybody gasps)

Everybody: Ahhh!!!

(Dramatic music)

Old Lady: Paolo!! (Agonizing look on her face, drops drinks, shatters)

Big Moustached Villain: Paolo!! (Agonizing look on his face, drops drink, shatters)

Big Moustached Stud: Paolo!! (Agonizing look on his face, drops drink, shatters)

Sultry Looking Woman: Paolo!! (Agonizing look on her face, drops drink, shatters)

Moustached Eye Patched Man: Paolo!! (Agonizing look on his face, drops drink, shatters)

(Paolo bursts in with his rake, gust of wind blows open his shirt, gust of wind opens up the shirt of the baby also. Sultry Looking Woman cries)

Big Moustached Stud: Paolo!! (Cries)

(Sad music, Paolo extends his arm to the baby, longing for it, looks away and cries, looks up and sobs)

(Cut to promo, Big Moustached Stud and Sultry Looking Woman pose for the camera, Paolo stands in the middle, leans on the rake oh!, so sexy!)

Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas

Caption: Besos y Lagrimas

(Cheers and Applause)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


SNL Transcripts




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