Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 15
















05o: Antonio Banderas / Mary J. Blige

Deal or no Deal

Howie Mandel...Fred Armisen
Robert Lopez...Antonio Banderas
Blond Model...Amy Poehler
Brunette Model...Kristen Wiig
Fat Guy...Horatio Sanz
Old Lady...Rachel Dratch
Black Guy...Finesse Mitchell

(Opens with Deal or no Deal logo. Howie is anxiously waiting, moves his hands around)

Howie Mandel: Welcome to "Deal...or no Deal". I'm Howie Mandel. By picking one case you can go home with one cent or $1 million. One banker, one button and just one question, "Deal...or no Deal". Let's play. Please welcome contestant Robert Lopez.

(Howie joins super excited Robert at the podium. On the podium there's a red button and a wireless white phone)

Howie Mandel: Robert, you're really excited to be here.

Robert Lopez: I certainly am!

Howie Mandel: Now let's start the game and see if we can make you a millionaire.

Robert Lopez: Yeah!!

Howie Mandel: We have 26 cases with 26 different increments of money. Ranging from one cent to $1 million. All you have to do to win is pick a number.

Robert Lopez: 50!!

Howie Mandel: (Caught off guard) Sorry, that was a little confusing. I mean you pick one of the briefcases.

Robert Lopez: OK, I want that one!! (points)

Howie Mandel: (Being patient) How about you pick a number between 1 and 26.

Robert Lopez: Uuuuh, 4?!

(Model gives Howie the cases with a number 4 on it. Howie gives it to Robert.)

Howie Mandel: Now here's your briefcase.

Robert Lopez: Thank you, thank you.

(Robert starts to open briefcase, Howie freaks out, jumps on briefcase to prevent Robert from opening it)

Howie Mandel: No, no, wait!! Wait!! Wait!!

Robert Lopez: NO!! NO!!

(Howie and Robert pause to regain their composure)

Howie Mandel: Don't open it!

Robert Lopez: I thought it was mine.

Howie Mandel: It is, well, maybe. Right now just hold on. Say 6 more numbers.

Robert Lopez: Honestly, I have no idea of what's happening here.

(concerned Howie looks around, forced smile)

Howie Mandel: Am I talking too quickly or anything?

Robert Lopez: No, no, no. It's not a language problem. I understand every word you're saying. It's just that...what is this game?

Howie Mandel: Just say 6 numbers and you'll understand in a second.

Robert Lopez: Uh, 8, 24, 1, 3, 19 and 7.

Howie Mandel: OK, we usually do it one at a time but that's fine. Great. You have eliminated the following amounts.

(Screen splits in 3 ways. Robert's face in the middle, to the left a list of numbers 01, 1, 5, 10, 25, 50, 75, 100, 200, 300, 400, 500, 750. To the right a list of amounts of dollars $1,000, $5,000, $10,000, $25,000, $50,000, $75,000, $100,000, $200,000, $300,000, $400,000, $500,000, $750,000, $1,000,000)

Howie Mandel: $75 ($75 is highlighted on the list)

Robert Lopez: (Sadly) Oh, no! (Howie turns to Robert)

Howie Mandel: No, no, no. That's good. You'll see. $25,000 ($25,000 is highlighted also)

Robert Lopez: (Happy) Oh, yes!!

Howie Mandel: $1. ($1 amount highlighted)

Robert Lopez: (Angry) Awww, nuts!!!

Howie Mandel: $300 (Amount highlighted)

Robert Lopez: (Calm) All right.

Howie Mandel: $500. (Amount highlighted)

Robert Lopez: (Happy) Shoot!!

Howie Mandel: And $10,000. (Amount highlighted)

Robert Lopez: Do I need to know mathematics for this?

Howie Mandel: No, you don't need math skills. You're doing great.

Robert Lopez: Right. OK. Okey Dokey. If you say so.

(Phone rings, Howie over dramatizes)

Howie Mandel: That's the banker. (Holds hands to his chin) He wants to buy your case from you for as little as possible and then you can decide "Deal...or no Deal".

Robert Lopez: NO DEAL!!

Howie Mandel: Not yet!

Robert Lopez: Not yet. There is a lot of things going on here.

(Howie picks up the phone)

Howie Mandel: Uh-huh....(puts phone down) The offer is $16,000.

Robert Lopez: DEAL!!

Howie Mandel: No, you have to wait, OK, you have to wait until I say "Deal or no Deal".

Robert Lopez: I'm very sorry. I, I, I want you to know that I am having a nice time but really it doesn't make any sense to me anything that is happening here.

Howie Mandel: It's very simple. Just say "Deal...or no Deal" (Demonstrates putting hand over buzzer)

Robert Lopez: I have done this.

Howie Mandel: Yes, but you see, you shouldn't take the first offer because...

(Model off camera interrupts)

Blond Model: Howie! Howie! He's not getting it, Howie. Here, let me explain. You try to eliminate as many of the small numbers as you can.

(Howie has a little panicked look on him, hands over mouth)

Brunette Model: That makes it seem like he should get rid of the small numbered briefcases. Not the small dollars amounts.

Blond Model: No, I'm saying once the briefcase is open, then you know you can't win that amount, right?

Howie Mandel: Girls, girls. I got it, I got it, OK. I got it.

Blond Model: It's all statistics.

Howie Mandel: I got it!!

Robert Lopez: I do not!

Howie Mandel: OK, are you guys ready for this? (Robert hits the button, Buzz!)

Robert Lopez: NO DEAL!!

Howie Mandel: No. When you hit the buzzer it means you want the deal. Let's just go to commercial and when we come back, we'll meet Robert's family and friends. See if they can help him out.

(Fat guy, old lady and black guy yell frantically from the audience)

Fat Guy: Pass! Pass! Pass!

Black Guy: Hey! Buy a vowel!

Old Lady: No whammies!

Black Guy: Buy a vowel!

Old Lady: No whammies!

Howie Mandel: Or maybe not. Stay tuned for "No Deal or Deal". I mean.... (Disgusted sigh, walks off camera, show's logo appears "Deal or No Deal")

(Cheers and applause)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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