Saturday Night Live Transcripts
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Season 31: Episode 16
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 Air Date:
Host:
Musical Guest:
Special Guests:
Cameos:
Bit Players:
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April 15th, 2006
Lindsay Lohan
Pearl Jam
None
Lorne Michaels
John Lutz
Liz Cackowski
Jorma Taccone
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The Situation Room
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Summary: Wolf Blitzer (Chris Parnell) interviews members of President George W. Bush's ever-changing cabinet.
Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, David Gregory, Norah O'Donnell.
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Montage
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Note: Though credited, Maya Rudolph and Horatio Sanz do not appear in this episode.
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Lindsay Lohan's Monologue
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Summary: Lindsay Lohan tackles past demons with a little help from the Easter Bunny (Kenan Thompson).
First Hosted: 03r.
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Neutrogena Coin Slot Cream
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Summary: Moisturizer that soothes the female ass crack.
Transcript
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Deep House Dish
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Summary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) continues to mock the dullness of overtattooed co-star, Tiara Zee. (Rachel Dratch), while introducing new hip-hop and house music stars for the MTV-4 audience to eat up.
Recurring Characters: DJ Dynasty Handbag, Tiara Zee, DJ Dimitrios, DJ Frontal Assault.
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TV Funhouse
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Summary: In a promo for "Journey to the Disney Vault", a pair of kids discover the horrors of Walt Disney's secret passions in life, as well as a plethora of lame cartoon sequels on DVD.
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The O'Reilly Factor
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Recurring Characters: Bill O'Reilly, Newt Gingrich.
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Le Rendezvous
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Summary: A group of diners (Lindsay Lohan, Jason Sudeikis, Rachel Dratch, Fred Armisen) express extreme enthusiasm for their exceptionally delicious end-of-meal dessert.
Transcript
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An SNL Digital Short
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Summary: Bill Hader and Andy Samberg present Lorne Michaels with their homemade sci-fi video for "Laser Cats!", in which they run through the hlals of Studio 8-H furing lasers out of cats' mouthes.
Transcript
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Pearl Jam performs "World Wide Suicide"
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First Performed: 91q.
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Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
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Summary: Meteorologist Stormy Windbreaker (Seth Meyers) gives an apocalyptic forecast. Taylor Hicks (Jason Sudeikis).
Recurring Characters: Taylor Hicks.
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Debbie Downer
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Summary: Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch) joins her friends for a bachelorette party in Las Vegas.
Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer.
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Introverts' Night Out
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Summary: Introverted co-workers Neil (Will Forte), Jean (Kristen Wiig) and Sally (Lindsay Lohan) finally make it out of the office to indulge in a bar's social scene, which eventually opens them up to the possibility of a threesome.
Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of the episode hosted by Natalie Portman.
Transcript
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Pearl Jam performs "Severed Hand"
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Turner Classic Movies: Movie Archives
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Summary: Robert Osborne (Darrell Hammond) presents clips from the forgotten Ann-Margaret (Lindsay Lohan) and Liberace (Fred Armisen) musical comedy, "Atlantic City Fever."
Recurring Characters: Robert Osborne, Liberace, Ann-Margret.
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Dress Rehearsal Cuts
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Head Lice
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Summary: Insert live roaches in your hair to get rid of lice.
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Monday Morning Assembly
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Summary: More morning announcements, as re-enacted by the West Bedford High School Drama Club.
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Carl
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Summary: A punk princess (Lindsay Lohan) picks on her stepfather, Carl (Chris Parnell).
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The Restaurant
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Summary: A waiter (Finesse Mitchell) sprays water on diners, while a waitress (Lindsay Lohan) puts her hair in their food.
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Tech Pack
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Summary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) recommends the Tech Pack for a woman (Kristin Wiig) who's having a difficult time carrying all of her techno gizmos around.
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Mortgage
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Summary: A spokesman (Chris Parnell) talks about getting a mortgage.
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An SNL Digital Short
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Summary: Andy Samberg has trouble eating with his obtrusive lobster claws.
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SNL Transcripts
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