Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 16


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 15th, 2006

Lindsay Lohan

Pearl Jam

None

Lorne Michaels

John Lutz

Liz Cackowski

Jorma Taccone

The Situation Room
Summary: Wolf Blitzer (Chris Parnell) interviews members of President George W. Bush's ever-changing cabinet.

Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, David Gregory, Norah O'Donnell.


Montage
Note: Though credited, Maya Rudolph and Horatio Sanz do not appear in this episode.


Lindsay Lohan's Monologue
Summary: Lindsay Lohan tackles past demons with a little help from the Easter Bunny (Kenan Thompson).

First Hosted: 03r.


Neutrogena Coin Slot Cream
Summary: Moisturizer that soothes the female ass crack.

Transcript


Deep House Dish
Summary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) continues to mock the dullness of overtattooed co-star, Tiara Zee. (Rachel Dratch), while introducing new hip-hop and house music stars for the MTV-4 audience to eat up.

Recurring Characters: DJ Dynasty Handbag, Tiara Zee, DJ Dimitrios, DJ Frontal Assault.


TV Funhouse
Summary: In a promo for "Journey to the Disney Vault", a pair of kids discover the horrors of Walt Disney's secret passions in life, as well as a plethora of lame cartoon sequels on DVD.


The O'Reilly Factor
Recurring Characters: Bill O'Reilly, Newt Gingrich.


Le Rendezvous
Summary: A group of diners (Lindsay Lohan, Jason Sudeikis, Rachel Dratch, Fred Armisen) express extreme enthusiasm for their exceptionally delicious end-of-meal dessert.

Transcript


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Bill Hader and Andy Samberg present Lorne Michaels with their homemade sci-fi video for "Laser Cats!", in which they run through the hlals of Studio 8-H furing lasers out of cats' mouthes.

Transcript


Pearl Jam performs "World Wide Suicide"
First Performed: 91q.


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: Meteorologist Stormy Windbreaker (Seth Meyers) gives an apocalyptic forecast. Taylor Hicks (Jason Sudeikis).

Recurring Characters: Taylor Hicks.


Debbie Downer
Summary: Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch) joins her friends for a bachelorette party in Las Vegas.

Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer.


Introverts' Night Out
Summary: Introverted co-workers Neil (Will Forte), Jean (Kristen Wiig) and Sally (Lindsay Lohan) finally make it out of the office to indulge in a bar's social scene, which eventually opens them up to the possibility of a threesome.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of the episode hosted by Natalie Portman.

Transcript


Pearl Jam performs "Severed Hand"


Turner Classic Movies: Movie Archives
Summary: Robert Osborne (Darrell Hammond) presents clips from the forgotten Ann-Margaret (Lindsay Lohan) and Liberace (Fred Armisen) musical comedy, "Atlantic City Fever."

Recurring Characters: Robert Osborne, Liberace, Ann-Margret.


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Head Lice
Summary: Insert live roaches in your hair to get rid of lice.


Monday Morning Assembly
Summary: More morning announcements, as re-enacted by the West Bedford High School Drama Club.


Carl
Summary: A punk princess (Lindsay Lohan) picks on her stepfather, Carl (Chris Parnell).


The Restaurant
Summary: A waiter (Finesse Mitchell) sprays water on diners, while a waitress (Lindsay Lohan) puts her hair in their food.


Tech Pack
Summary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) recommends the Tech Pack for a woman (Kristin Wiig) who's having a difficult time carrying all of her techno gizmos around.


Mortgage
Summary: A spokesman (Chris Parnell) talks about getting a mortgage.


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Andy Samberg has trouble eating with his obtrusive lobster claws.



SNL Transcripts




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