Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 16





05p: Lindsay Lohan / Pearl Jam

Le Rendezvous

Lindsay....Lindsay Lohan
Fred....Fred Armisen
Rachel....Rachel Dratch
Jason....Jason Sudeikis
Waitress....Amy Poehler
Waiter....Kenan Thompson

[Opens with an outside shot of Le Rendezvous restaurant. Cut to inside of it, 2 couples share a table. They have just finished dinner. A blonde waitress brings dessert]

Waitress: Ok, here it is....you asked for it. Our signature dessert, Chocolate Vesivius.

[Puts dessert on the table. "Ohh's" and "Aahh's" from the couples at the table]

Waitress: I brought you extra spoons.

[They each pick a spoon. Young girl goes first]

Lindsay: Oh, my God, ok.[takes a bite]Mmmm, Oh, my God, you guys![slams fist on the table]Oh, my God!

Fred: Is it good?

Lindsay: Oh, my God! Yes!

Rachel: Ok, I gotta taste this.[takes a bite and starts doing a snake dance]Meow-meow, meow-meow, meow-meow-meow-meow-meow.[2 big slams of her hand on the table]

Fred: Wow, ok, let me try a little bit.[takes a bite, throws the spoon on the table, gets up and points to the dessert]MMMMM!!!!-MMMMMMM!!!-MMMMM!!!!

Jason: Ok, all right, I gotta try it. Just a little bit though, I shouldn't....[takes a bite, gets up]WHAT?!, WHAT?!,ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!,WHAT?![sits back down]Oh, damn it!, oh, hell. Whooo, whooo, whoo.

Lindsay:[extends her arm]Somebody take my pulse. I think I died and gone to chocolate heaven!

Fred: Get it out of here, get it out---I don't want it.

Rachel: I gotta take another bite.[takes bite,gets up and swings her purse over her head and throws it away]YEAH!, YEAH!, YEAH!, YEAH! WHOOOO!!!

[They keep enjoying the orgasmic dessert]

Fred: Ooohh.

Jason: Yeah!

Lindsay: Mmmm-mmm.

Jason:[makes sounds like a beat box]WHOOOO!!!!

Fred:[crying]Why? Why do they make these things so good?

Jason:Mmmm-mmmm.

Rachel:[licking spoon] What is it? What is it?

Lindsay:[gets up and points at the dessert]What is that? What's inside that cake?

Jason: It's so good.

Lindsay: This cake is like---what is it? A hot brownie batter? Oh, you dirty chocolate bitch![throws spoon at the dessert]

Jason: Oh, you are a dirty bitch.

Fred: Yeah, dirty, dirty.

Jason:[gets cross eyed]Oh! I've gone blind! The chocolate made me go blind! I can't see a thing!

Fred:[stops waiter and takes plates from his tray]Oh, God! You know what? You know what? I gotta say this---[starts to break the plates over his head]You know what? That's what I say! It's unbelievable!

Rachel:[face smeared with chocolate]Oh, my God! There's ice cream down there!

Jason: ICE CREAM!

Fred: ICE CREAM!

[Dig into the deseert with their hands, their faces are dirty with chocolate]

Jason: GET OUT OF THE WAY! GET OUT OF THE WAY![grabs waiter by the neck]What'd you feed me?!

Waiter: Get your hands---[gets put on a headlock and punched in the face 3 times]

Jason: GET OUT OF HERE!

[They are now growling around the table, a mess of chocolate all over the table, faces all filthy with chocolate stains]

Rachel:[jumps on the table, knife in her hand]STAND BACK! STAND BACK! THE REST IS MINE! THE REST IS MINE![crazed screams]

Fred:[pulls on his tie as in auto-erotic asphyxiation, licks spoon]Oh,yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.Mmmmmm-mmmmmm.[moans in pleasure]

Waitress: Are you guys done with this?

[The foursome growl and give primal screams to the waitress, she flees in terror]

Jason: Aaaahh, get out of here!

Rachel:[makes monkey sounds]

Fred:[starts trashing the restaurant]No way, man!! It's too good![breaks a chair in a customer's back] Too good!!

Lindsay:[picks Jason up into the air, circles him around]Sweet Mariah! Chocolate Vesuvius!![slams him into the floor, Jason jumps up like nothing happened]

Waitress: Can I---can I get anybody anything else?

Jason:[normal and gentle again]Yes, the check would be great.

Waitress: Okay.[leaves the check]

Jason: Thank you.

Rachel:[normal again, points at his face]You've got a little something.

Jason: Where? Up here?

Fred:[normal]No, down.

Jason: Over here?

Rachel: Right there.[points]

Jason: Where? Like this far down.[stretches neck trying to find the stain]

[Scene fades]

[Cheers and applause]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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