05p: Lindsay Lohan / Pearl Jam
Introverts' Night Out
Young guy 1....Bill Hader
Young guy 2....Andy Samberg
[Opens with a Sports Bar. Ultra-nerd Neil with his
vest, tie and eyeglasses. Jean with grandma clothes,
outdated hairdo. Sally is similar to Jean but a little
better-looking, eyeglasses. They stand at the entrance
of the pub]
Neil: Here we are.
Jean: I can't tell you how long its been since I've
been to a bar. Certainly a matter of years, quite
possibly 3 quarters of a decade.
Sally: Yeah, you know we always talk about going for
an after work drink and I'm just...I'm really excited
we're actually doing it. This is thrilling.
Neil: I think is important as co-workers to get a feel
for the others outside of work and in that way I think
it helps develop a better work atmosphere.
Jean: You know, I can't recall the last time I went
out socially period. And I am counting high school.
Neil: I hate to trump you but I did go out a fair deal
in high school which helped me cut my teeth socially.
You know, various sock hops, mandatory field trips and
a few wild errands.
Jean: Well I too am happy that we did this. Hey look,
an open table. I wonder who we ask about uh, this table?
[Empty table in front of them]
Neil: Do you, uh, see a host or hostess? Some sort of
maitre d'? And whose name should we give them?
Sally: Uh, guys, I'm gonna take mine out of the
running because mine's often misspelled.
Neil: I'm gonna take mine out too. I'm imagining there
are more than a few Neils in here.
Sally: Hmm, I've got an idea. Why don't we make up a
name and give it to them? That could be kind of fun.
Jean: What if to claim our table you're required to
show some sort of identification card?
Sally: Jean, I guess I didn't think it through, Jean.
Neil: None of us did, Sally. None of us did. Maybe we should just leave.
[They're ready to leave. Waitress pass in front of them]
Waitress: You guys can sit wherever you want.
Jean: Thank you.
Neil: Oh, ok.
Sally: All right.
Jean: There's this table here that we've just been
talking about, in the interim I've noticed another
table towards the back has opened up, Oh, ok, it's gone. Someone took that one. Ok.
Neil: Maybe just go with the original table then? It's
fairly clean. Doesn't look to be a wobbler. All in favor?
Neil: All opposed?
Jean: All right. Then the original table it is. [Two
young guys with beers take the table in front of trio]
Someone took that table as well. I guess you gotta
have some hot feet around here.
Sally: Ha, ha, ha. Funny. You're funny, Jean.
Neil: What say we head to the bar? Uh, I hope stool
seating is all right for you ladies. Its not my
favorite due to a lack of back support. But, uh, whatever.
[The trio moves to the bar]
Sally: Speaking of back support, my new office chair
has really helped out my lumbar region.
Jean: I didn't know you had back problems Sally.
Sally: Well I do. I really, really do.
Neil: What do you say we get a drink?
Jean: Good idea. Now is everyone here is gonna get
something with alcohol?
Sally: I'd better not. You know, I took an Aleve
yesterday for a sandal-related foot cramp and I don't
know if its in my system or not.
Neil: I didn't know you wear sandals Sally.
Sally: Well I don't. I don't, I don't wear them to
work. I only wear them on vacation, you know, weekends.
Jean: Well, that explains it.
Neil: I'm going to have a chardonnay.
Jean: Make it two. And I'll have mine with a couple of ice cubes.
Sally: Oh, mess it. Make it three.
Jean: Sally, are you sure?
Sally: You heard me. Sometimes you just got to say
"oh, what the mess"!.
[Bowl of peanuts on the bar]
Jean: Oh,look, hello? Someone left their peanuts here on the bar.
Sally: What a waste of peanuts. Why do they order
peanuts if they're not going to finish them?
Jean: That's America, Sally. Plain and simple. Its a problem.
Neil: Excuse me. Three chardonnays, please. Two
without ice. Jean, Sally, the drinks should be here really soon.
Jean: I'm excited.
[Close-up on the clock. Time passes]
Jean: So, how is this going to work?
Neil: Well, I would start by kissing Sally about her
lips, neck and sternum. And Jean, you would take off
my pants while I remove both of your stockings with my
mouth. From there I would proceed....[Close-up on the
clock, more time passes]....and then we will each
remove our native American headdresses then all shower
together. Remove the tape from the camera, rewind it
and look back fondly on the sensual unprotected
journey we have taken.
Jean: I think that sounds really nice.
Sally: You know, I got to say I'm really excited about
making strange love to the two of you tonight.
Neil: We should probably get out of here. Shall we
carpool or each take our separate cars, or--?
Sally: Well, do you think its safe to leave our cars
here, you know, overnight?
Jean: You know, i said it before and I'll say it
again. That's America. Its a problem.
[Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel