Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 16

05p: Lindsay Lohan / Pearl Jam

Introverts' Night Out

Neil....Will Forte
Jean....Kristen Wiig
Sally....Lindsay Lohan
Young guy 1....Bill Hader
Young guy 2....Andy Samberg
Waitress....Rachel Dratch
Bartender....Chris Parnell

[Opens with a Sports Bar. Ultra-nerd Neil with his vest, tie and eyeglasses. Jean with grandma clothes, outdated hairdo. Sally is similar to Jean but a little better-looking, eyeglasses. They stand at the entrance of the pub]

Neil: Here we are.

Jean: I can't tell you how long its been since I've been to a bar. Certainly a matter of years, quite possibly 3 quarters of a decade.

Sally: Yeah, you know we always talk about going for an after work drink and I'm just...I'm really excited we're actually doing it. This is thrilling.

Neil: I think is important as co-workers to get a feel for the others outside of work and in that way I think it helps develop a better work atmosphere.

Jean: You know, I can't recall the last time I went out socially period. And I am counting high school.

Neil: I hate to trump you but I did go out a fair deal in high school which helped me cut my teeth socially. You know, various sock hops, mandatory field trips and a few wild errands.

Jean: Well I too am happy that we did this. Hey look, an open table. I wonder who we ask about uh, this table?

[Empty table in front of them]

Neil: Do you, uh, see a host or hostess? Some sort of maitre d'? And whose name should we give them?

Sally: Uh, guys, I'm gonna take mine out of the running because mine's often misspelled.

Neil: I'm gonna take mine out too. I'm imagining there are more than a few Neils in here.

Sally: Hmm, I've got an idea. Why don't we make up a name and give it to them? That could be kind of fun.

Jean: What if to claim our table you're required to show some sort of identification card?

Sally: Jean, I guess I didn't think it through, Jean.

Neil: None of us did, Sally. None of us did. Maybe we should just leave.

[They're ready to leave. Waitress pass in front of them]

Waitress: You guys can sit wherever you want.

Jean: Thank you.

Neil: Oh, ok.

Sally: All right.

Jean: There's this table here that we've just been talking about, in the interim I've noticed another table towards the back has opened up, Oh, ok, it's gone. Someone took that one. Ok.

Neil: Maybe just go with the original table then? It's fairly clean. Doesn't look to be a wobbler. All in favor?

Jean: Aye.

Sally: Aye.

Neil: All opposed?


Jean: All right. Then the original table it is. [Two young guys with beers take the table in front of trio] Someone took that table as well. I guess you gotta have some hot feet around here.

Sally: Ha, ha, ha. Funny. You're funny, Jean.

Neil: What say we head to the bar? Uh, I hope stool seating is all right for you ladies. Its not my favorite due to a lack of back support. But, uh, whatever.

[The trio moves to the bar]

Sally: Speaking of back support, my new office chair has really helped out my lumbar region.

Jean: I didn't know you had back problems Sally.

Sally: Well I do. I really, really do.

Neil: What do you say we get a drink?

Jean: Good idea. Now is everyone here is gonna get something with alcohol?

Sally: I'd better not. You know, I took an Aleve yesterday for a sandal-related foot cramp and I don't know if its in my system or not.

Neil: I didn't know you wear sandals Sally.

Sally: Well I don't. I don't, I don't wear them to work. I only wear them on vacation, you know, weekends.

Jean: Well, that explains it.

Neil: I'm going to have a chardonnay.

Jean: Make it two. And I'll have mine with a couple of ice cubes.

Sally: Oh, mess it. Make it three.

Neil: Sally....

Jean: Sally, are you sure?

Sally: You heard me. Sometimes you just got to say "oh, what the mess"!.

[Bowl of peanuts on the bar]

Jean: Oh,look, hello? Someone left their peanuts here on the bar.

Sally: What a waste of peanuts. Why do they order peanuts if they're not going to finish them?

Jean: That's America, Sally. Plain and simple. Its a problem.

[Bartender appears]

Neil: Excuse me. Three chardonnays, please. Two without ice. Jean, Sally, the drinks should be here really soon.

Jean: I'm excited.

[Close-up on the clock. Time passes]

Jean: So, how is this going to work?

Neil: Well, I would start by kissing Sally about her lips, neck and sternum. And Jean, you would take off my pants while I remove both of your stockings with my mouth. From there I would proceed....[Close-up on the clock, more time passes]....and then we will each remove our native American headdresses then all shower together. Remove the tape from the camera, rewind it and look back fondly on the sensual unprotected journey we have taken.

Jean: I think that sounds really nice.

Sally: You know, I got to say I'm really excited about making strange love to the two of you tonight.

Neil: We should probably get out of here. Shall we carpool or each take our separate cars, or--?

Sally: Well, do you think its safe to leave our cars here, you know, overnight?

Jean: You know, i said it before and I'll say it again. That's America. Its a problem.

[Scene fades]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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