Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 17





05q: Tom Hanks / Red Hot Chili Peppers

Bill Frist's Gas Plan

Dick Cheney.....Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush.....Will Forte
Bill Frist.....Tom Hanks
Chester.....Finesse Mitchell

[ open on exterior, White House ]

[ dissolve to interior, President Bush's office. He's in conference with Dick Cheney. ]

Dick Cheney: So, uh, Mr. President, we will announce the new head of the CIA on Monday.

President George W. Bush: Do I have to be there?

Dick Cheney: Yes, sir.

President George W. Bush: Man! People are not sticking around here very long, just - just coming and going, you know? And I'll tell you what my advice to the next CIA head is gonna be - rent, don't buy!

Dick Cheney: Well, it is, uh - it is a time of transition, sir.

President George W. Bush: I really don't want to be President any more, Dick. You know? I can't wait for this to be over! Ugh!

Dick Cheney: Yeah, it has been a fairly rough past, sir, but the American people need you to stay strong.

President George W. Bush: I just wish the time would go faster. You know, I was staring at my calendar today, trying to change May to June. I would just shut my eyes and think, "June! June! June!" [ laughs ] No luck, you know! I just open my eyes, and it's still May. It's like Christmas is two-and-a-half years away, Dick! Adn I think you know how I feel about Christmas.

Dick Cheney: Well, you're - you're a big fan, sir.

President George W. Bush: I am! A huge fan!

Dick Cheney: Oh, and, uh, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist is here to see you.

President George W. Bush: Oh, good! You know, he is the only guy in Washington who had a worse week than I did. His $100 gas plan was a stinker!

Dick Cheney: You said it. For all of this administration's missteps, at least we never tried to buy off people for $100 a pop.

President George W. Bush: Yeah! That Frist plan went down so fast, it was like you shot it in the face!

Dick Cheney: [ awkward silence, and then: ] Touche, sir. I'll, uh - I'll send him in. [ walks to the door, opens it and lets Frist enter ]

Bill Frist: Mr. Vice-President.

Dick Cheney: Good to see ya', Bill. [ exits ]

[ Presiient Bush and Bill Frist shake hands ]

President George W. Bush: Have a seat, Fristie. Good to see ya'.

[ they sit ]

Bill Frist: Oh, good to see you, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: So, uh - I heard you rolled out a gas plan. How did that go?

Bill Frist: Well, uh, not so good, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: [ chuckles ] I heard it hit the big one! It hit that big one!

Bill Frist: Yeah.

President George W. Bush: Yep.

Bill Frist: Very funny, Mr. President. Very, very funny.

President George W. Bush: Ah, I'm sorry, Fristie. How can I make it up to you? Oh, I know! How about I give you a hundred bucks!

Bill Frist: Well, Mr. President, I will have you know that I-I-I have come up with a new plan. Now, I realize that I made a mistake with my first plan. I ran it by policy wonks - intellectuals - who would overthink, and overanalyze. But I need people to respond to a plan on an emotional level, and not on an intellectual one. I need to run my plan past the simple people. I was hoping I could run it by you, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: [ nods ] Hit me!

Bill Frist: Thank you, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Okay. Let me just say that, no matter what this new plan is, I am confident that it won't eat it as much as the original. Because it couldn't possibly.

Bill Frist: Well, it's very inspiring.

President George W. Bush: [ chuckles ] That's what I do! I inspire people. I'm the.. inspirer-er.

Bill Frist: Now, I brought some charts, so you won't have to read anything. [ turns to face the door ] Chester!

[ Chester enters, carrying an easel with a series of cards on it. The first one reads: "Senate Gas Plan (Revised)." Chester stands the easel, then exits the room. ]

President George W. Bush: Well, that's good. Because I'm a.. visual learner.

Bill Frist: Now, under the original plan, millions of Americans would have received $100. [ flips card to reveal a picture of a $100 bill ] And we would have been allowed to drill in the Alaskan wildlife reserve. But.. $100 simply wasn't enough. So, I scrapped that. Started over from scratch. Went in a whole new direction. So, under my new plan, the american people will receive $120. [ flips cards to reveal pictures of a $100 bill and a $20 bill ]

President George W. Bush: That's a good call. You know? Keep offering people money until they go for it! You know? It would be like the hit NBC show, "Deal or No Deal." And, personally, Bill, you know, I would take your deal. You know? And, no need to take a call from the Banker - he frightens me.

Bill Frist: But, now, let's say a gallon of gas hits four dollars a gallon. [ flips car to reveal gas pump with "4.00 price per gallon $" written on it ]

President George W. Bush: Oh! It's gonna!

Bill Frist: Well, now, in that case, we would need to start aggressively looking for new fuel sources. Preferably by drilling in Alaska, mining in the Grand Canyon, and burning stem cells for fuel.

President George W. Bush: The American people aren't going to like that Fristie.

Bill Frist: Bill Frist: But, now, what if I told you every American was gonna get $100, and three days and two nights at the lovely Busch Gardens resort and theme park in Tampa, Florida? [ flips card to reveal picture of Busch Gardens ]

President George W. Bush: Busch Gardens! I'd say I was pretty interested!

Bill Frist: Well, what if gas hits five dollars a gallon? [ flips car to reveal gas pump with "5.00 price per gallon $" written on it ]

President George W. Bush: And, once again, it's gonna!

Bill Frist: We're gonna build some more oil refineries. Now, would you want an oil refinery in yuor town?

President George W. Bush: [ now obviously reading from off-screen cue cards ] No! Those things smell bad, and they're an eyesore.

Bill Frist: But what if I told you, that everyone in your town would get.. one of these? [ pulls out a Magic Mop ]

President George W. Bush: Well, what is that?

[ flips card over to reveal a picture of the Magic Mpp ] Well, it's the new Magic Mop! It uses patented microfiber technology to spill up both wet and dry spills on all household surfaces!

President George W. Bush: I don't know. Looks hard to use.

Bill Frist: It couldn't be easier, Mr. President, to use. And, to clean it, you just hold it under running water! And if gas is five dollars by August 1st, they will get, not one, but two replacement shammies!

President George W. Bush: So, wait - you're telling me that I get $120, the Busch Gardens vacation, and the Magic Mop with two replacement shammies? And all I have to do, is allow drilling in Alaska, mining in the Grand Canyon, and having an oil refinery in my town?

Bill Frist: It's an over $500 value! What do you say, Mr. President?

President George W. Bush: I say: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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