05q: Tom Hanks / Red Hot Chili Peppers
[Opens with sedated Rick, beer on his hand, sitting on
his living room couch. Kaitlin runs around Rick
reading from an Iguana magazine. There is an empty
fishbowl in front of Rick]
Kaitlin: Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Listen to this!
Iguanas have long fingers and claws to help them climb
and grasp. They use their strong tail as self defense.
They are cold blooded and when they are hatched they
are raised without parental care.
Rick: That doesn't sound like much fun.
Kaitlin: Did you know that iguanas can fall 40 to 50
feet without injury, Rick? Just like me-e-e-e-e![falls
over on the couch next to Rick]
Rick: Don't get too excited, Kaitlin.
Kaitlin: Rick if this works out maybe we can go to the
store and buy our own.
Kaitlin: And watching this iguana would look really
good on my baby-sitting resume. Because right now all
I have is for my special skills microwave popcorn,
scary stories, bedtime enforcement and now I can add
advanced iguana ca-a-a-are!![on Rick's ear]
Kaitlin: Rick! he's here![jumps up and circles the
couch frantically]Iguana, Rick! He's here, Rick! The
iguana is here, Rick! The iguana, Rick! He's
here![Rick gets up, opens the door]
Rick: Hey, how you doin',Eli? Come on in.
Eli: Hey, Rick. Hi, how you doin'?
[Enters Eli. He's an old hippie, long ponytail,
carries a big green iguana on his arm]
Rick: Hey, you all ready for your big cruise?
Eli: Oh, all ready as all heck, Rick my bro'. Hey,
Kaitlin you got the terrarium, you got the bedding,
you're a real champ, taking care of Miss Reba here.
Kaitlin: Hey Eli, why do you call your iguana Miss
Eli: My lady Crystal is a big Reba McIntyre fan and
once after a concert we met the real Reba McIntyre and
she let us take a picture with the iguana sitting on
Eli: Yeah, my lady Crystal oh, she was desperate for
Miss Reba here to come on a cruise with us. But when
we did a trial run and tried to shove her into my gym
bag, she freaked out and turned into a poop machine.
Kaitlin: Plus if you put her on a boat she might get
seasick, cause I get really carsick if I'm in a car
and not looking straight ahead I'm gonna barf. Do you
remember when I was in the backseat playing with mom's
calculator and I barfed in my backpack! That was
Rick: Yeah, that was pretty gross.
Eli: This is her food and there are some instructions
in there as well.[puts it on the table, sits]
Kaitlin: Don't worry Eli. I'm gonna take great care of
her and I wrote her this song. 2, 3, 4[sings] I'm
gonna love your iguana and your iguana is gonna love
Rick: So Eli, how's your airbrushing business going?
Eli: Oh, it couldn't be better Rick my bro'. Ah,you
know mostly vans, muscle t-shirts, jean jackets. I
just landed my first corporate account with Fancy
Pants and I'm thinking of doing them a shirt with a
lady in a bikini riding a tiger, right?
Rick: Oh, that makes sense.
Kaitlin: Hey, Eli. As her primary caretaker, can I ask
you a few questions?
Kaitlin: Does she likes to wear hats?
Kaitlin: Does she goes on a trampoline?
Kaitlin: But she would let a mouse ride on her back?
Eli: No,wait. Maybe.
Kaitlin: Does she like microwave popcorn?
Kaitlin: Well, awesome cause tonight we're gonna make
microwave popcorn and then we're gonna read each other
horoscopes cause I'm an Aquarius and [sings and dances
around]this is the dawn of the new Aquarius, age of
Aquarius!! AQUARIUS!!! AQUARIUUUUUUUS!![right on
Rick: Relax, Kaitlin.
Eli: Hey, now you got to be careful now especially if
you let her out to stretch her legs. Last week she ate
my stack of vintage Playboys like it was a salad.
Kaitlin: I know, cause one time I was wearing
Christmas lights as a belt and my jeans were still wet
and when I plugged my belt i got sh-o-o-o-cked and I
had total amnesia for like one minute and I said to
Jesus:"If this is my time to wipe my slate clean,
please give me a new identity where I work at Diary
Queen and I can get on a mic and call people's names
when their burgers are ready. Cheryl!, your burger is
ready! Thomas!, come get your peanut butter parfait.
Rick!,your cheeseburger's ready",[in his ear] Rick!,
Rick: Ok Kaitlin, calm down. Let's get Eli on the
road, ok? And we'll take care of the iguana, get him
Eli: Ok, now Kaitlin here we go. You just put your arm
out just like so[iguana rests on Eli's forearm] and
Miss Reba will walk right on to you.
[Suspenseful music. Close-up of Kaitlin's face frozen
with fear, cut to close up on the iguana's face, cut
to Kaitlin scared, cut to iguana]
Kaitlin:[whispers]Rick, Rick. I don't want to touch
Eli: Kaitlin no,it's ok. She likes you. I can tell by
the look on her face.
[Close-up on the iguana's unfriendly stare]
Kaitlin:[whispers]Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick.
Rick:[let's her off the hook]Hey, Kaitlin why don't we
just let her relax in the cage for a minute. Ease into
things a little.
[Eli puts the iguana in the empty fishbowl]
Kaitlin: Good idea, Rick. I don't know why you're so
scared of her.
Eli: All right, folks. I'm off. I am looking forward
to 4 days on a boat where I don't have to share my
brass bed with a jealous reptile. Hey, peace, love,
understanding, what's wrong with it?[leaves]
Rick: Have a good trip, Eli.
[Rick sits with Kaitlin looking at the iguana]
Kaitlin: Rick can Miss Reba stay in her cage?
Kaitlin: If she needs to be fed, can you do it?
Kaitlin: Can she climb stairs?
Kaitlin: Can I sleep with the lights on?
[Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel