Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 17

05q: Tom Hanks / Red Hot Chili Peppers


Kaitlin....Amy Poehler
Rick....Horatio Sanz
Eli....Tom Hanks

[Opens with sedated Rick, beer on his hand, sitting on his living room couch. Kaitlin runs around Rick reading from an Iguana magazine. There is an empty fishbowl in front of Rick]

Kaitlin: Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! Listen to this! Iguanas have long fingers and claws to help them climb and grasp. They use their strong tail as self defense. They are cold blooded and when they are hatched they are raised without parental care.

Rick: That doesn't sound like much fun.

Kaitlin: Did you know that iguanas can fall 40 to 50 feet without injury, Rick? Just like me-e-e-e-e![falls over on the couch next to Rick]

Rick: Don't get too excited, Kaitlin.

Kaitlin: Rick if this works out maybe we can go to the store and buy our own.

Rick: Maybe.

Kaitlin: And watching this iguana would look really good on my baby-sitting resume. Because right now all I have is for my special skills microwave popcorn, scary stories, bedtime enforcement and now I can add advanced iguana ca-a-a-are!![on Rick's ear]

[Ding-Dong, door]

Kaitlin: Rick! he's here![jumps up and circles the couch frantically]Iguana, Rick! He's here, Rick! The iguana is here, Rick! The iguana, Rick! He's here![Rick gets up, opens the door]

Rick: Hey, how you doin',Eli? Come on in.

Eli: Hey, Rick. Hi, how you doin'?

[Enters Eli. He's an old hippie, long ponytail, carries a big green iguana on his arm]

Rick: Hey, you all ready for your big cruise?

Eli: Oh, all ready as all heck, Rick my bro'. Hey, Kaitlin you got the terrarium, you got the bedding, you're a real champ, taking care of Miss Reba here.

Kaitlin: Hey Eli, why do you call your iguana Miss Reba?

Eli: My lady Crystal is a big Reba McIntyre fan and once after a concert we met the real Reba McIntyre and she let us take a picture with the iguana sitting on her hair.

Kaitlin: Whoa.

Eli: Yeah, my lady Crystal oh, she was desperate for Miss Reba here to come on a cruise with us. But when we did a trial run and tried to shove her into my gym bag, she freaked out and turned into a poop machine.

Kaitlin: Plus if you put her on a boat she might get seasick, cause I get really carsick if I'm in a car and not looking straight ahead I'm gonna barf. Do you remember when I was in the backseat playing with mom's calculator and I barfed in my backpack! That was g-r-o-double"s", grooooss!!

Rick: Yeah, that was pretty gross.

Eli: This is her food and there are some instructions in there as well.[puts it on the table, sits]

Kaitlin: Don't worry Eli. I'm gonna take great care of her and I wrote her this song. 2, 3, 4[sings] I'm gonna love your iguana and your iguana is gonna love me-e-e-e!![stops singing]

Rick: So Eli, how's your airbrushing business going?

Eli: Oh, it couldn't be better Rick my bro'. Ah,you know mostly vans, muscle t-shirts, jean jackets. I just landed my first corporate account with Fancy Pants and I'm thinking of doing them a shirt with a lady in a bikini riding a tiger, right?

Rick: Oh, that makes sense.

Kaitlin: Hey, Eli. As her primary caretaker, can I ask you a few questions?

Eli: Shoot.

Kaitlin: Does she likes to wear hats?

Eli: No.

Kaitlin: Does she goes on a trampoline?

Eli: No.

Kaitlin: But she would let a mouse ride on her back?

Eli: No,wait. Maybe.

Kaitlin: Does she like microwave popcorn?

Eli: Yes.

Kaitlin: Well, awesome cause tonight we're gonna make microwave popcorn and then we're gonna read each other horoscopes cause I'm an Aquarius and [sings and dances around]this is the dawn of the new Aquarius, age of Aquarius!! AQUARIUS!!! AQUARIUUUUUUUS!![right on Rick's ear]

Rick: Relax, Kaitlin.

Eli: Hey, now you got to be careful now especially if you let her out to stretch her legs. Last week she ate my stack of vintage Playboys like it was a salad.

Kaitlin: I know, cause one time I was wearing Christmas lights as a belt and my jeans were still wet and when I plugged my belt i got sh-o-o-o-cked and I had total amnesia for like one minute and I said to Jesus:"If this is my time to wipe my slate clean, please give me a new identity where I work at Diary Queen and I can get on a mic and call people's names when their burgers are ready. Cheryl!, your burger is ready! Thomas!, come get your peanut butter parfait. Rick!,your cheeseburger's ready",[in his ear] Rick!, Rick!, Rick!

Rick: Ok Kaitlin, calm down. Let's get Eli on the road, ok? And we'll take care of the iguana, get him some food.

Eli: Ok, now Kaitlin here we go. You just put your arm out just like so[iguana rests on Eli's forearm] and Miss Reba will walk right on to you.

[Suspenseful music. Close-up of Kaitlin's face frozen with fear, cut to close up on the iguana's face, cut to Kaitlin scared, cut to iguana]

Kaitlin:[whispers]Rick, Rick. I don't want to touch the iguana.

Eli: Kaitlin no,it's ok. She likes you. I can tell by the look on her face.

[Close-up on the iguana's unfriendly stare]

Kaitlin:[whispers]Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick.

Rick:[let's her off the hook]Hey, Kaitlin why don't we just let her relax in the cage for a minute. Ease into things a little.

[Eli puts the iguana in the empty fishbowl]

Kaitlin: Good idea, Rick. I don't know why you're so scared of her.

Eli: All right, folks. I'm off. I am looking forward to 4 days on a boat where I don't have to share my brass bed with a jealous reptile. Hey, peace, love, understanding, what's wrong with it?[leaves]

Rick: Have a good trip, Eli.

[Rick sits with Kaitlin looking at the iguana]

Kaitlin: Rick can Miss Reba stay in her cage?

Rick: Yes.

Kaitlin: If she needs to be fed, can you do it?

Rick: Yes.

Kaitlin: Can she climb stairs?

Rick: No.

Kaitlin: Can I sleep with the lights on?

Rick: Yes


[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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