Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 18

This free script provided by

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

May 13th, 2006

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Paul Simon


Al Gore

Jason Alexander

Jerry Seinfeld

Liz Cackowski

John Lutz

Paula Pell

Emily Spivey

Jorma Taccone

Parallel Universe Address from President Gore
Summary: In an alternate universe, President Al Gore addresses America on how perfect the world is in 2006.



Julia Louis-Dreyfus' Monologue
Summary: Former cast member Julia Louis-Dreyfus reveals alternate titles proposed for "The New Adventures of Old Christine", then marvels that the "Seinfeld Curse" hasn't affected her career the way it has Jerry Seinfeld's or Jason Alexander's.


Tech Pack
Summary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) recommends the Tech Pack for a woman (Kristin Wiig) who's having a difficult time carrying all of her techno gizmos around the airport.

Note: After being cut from the dress rehearsals of the last four episodes, this commercial parody finally airs on a live show.


Bum Attention
Summary: It's a blow to Jen's (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) self-esteem when a filthy street bum (Bill Hader) makes obscene gastures to her friends, but not to her.

Note: This sketch was cut from the episode hosted by Billy Bob Thornton four seasons earlier.


The Morning Show
Summary: Technical gaffes abound.


MySpace Seminar
Summary: Community teacher (Andy Samberg) teaches a MySpace seminar to a concerned soccer mom (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) and a group of middle-aged perverts.


Paul Simon performs "How Can You Live in a Northeast Town"
First Performed: 75b.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: Al Gore debates Amy Poehler on global warming. Tina Fey's grandfather, Wolfgang Fey (Fred Armisen) makes repeated attempts to call the Medicare hotline. Finesse Mitchel comments on men's fashion. Magician David Blaine (Andy Samberg) fails to hold his breath for nine minutes.

Summary: In 70's game show rerun, challenging contestant's (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) phrase clues are mistaken as obscene gestures by the celebrity panel.

Recurring Characters: Charo.

Unsolved Mysteries
Summary: An actress (Julia Louis Dreyfus) is frustrated when she participates in a pop culture-related re-eneactment that obviously never happened.

Paul Simon performs "Outrageous"

An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Distraught over a failed relatonship, a man (Andy Samberg) threatens to jump to his death while standing an inch above the sidewalk, in a message paid for by the United Peyote Growers Association.

Note: This digital short was originally cut from the dress rehearsal of the Alec Baldwin episode.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Letter from the Iranian Prime Minister
Summary: Iranian Prime Minister (Fred Armisen) writes a series of letters addressed to President George W. Bush, the nation of Israel, the New Yorker, and a shampoo company.


A Day Without an Immigrant
Summary: When an illegal immigrant housekeeper (Maya Rudolph) takes the day off to join the local boycott, her employers' (Jason Sudeikis, Amy Poehler) home life turns to chaos. Introduction by Al Gore.

The Shaggy Dog
Summary: Movie executives try to create a slogan for the "Shaggy Dog" poster.

An SNL Digital Short
Summary: A cop (Andy Samberg) has a difficult time eating with his obtrusive lobster claws.

Bush Commemorative Plates
Summary: The worst moments in recent American history are commemorated as the proudest moments of Bush's tenure in office.

SNL Transcripts