Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 18

05r: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Paul Simon

The Morning Show

written by: Kristin Gore

Peter Phillips.....Horatio Sanz
Lydia Johnson.....Kristen Wiig
Jackie Miller.....Julia Louis Dreyfus
Rick Courtney.....Fred Armisen

(Opens with the Morning Show logo and a goofy theme music. The hosts sit on their TV studio set with a background of the city behind them)

Announcer: And now the Morning Show with Lydia Johnson and Peter Phillips.

Lydia: Good Mornin- (goofy theme music continues) Thatīs weird. Can we cut the music?

Peter: The music still going. Can someone turn it off?

(Music stops)

Lydia: Guess weīre having some technical difficulties.

Peter: Yeah, must be something in the air. Everything has gone a little haywire this morning.

Lydia: Sure has. Anyway, hello and welcome to the Morning Show. Iīm Linda Davenport, uh...Lydia Johnson. Why did I say that? I guess Iīm a little off too.

Peter: And Iīm Peter Phillips. We have a great show planned for you but first weīre excited because we have a birthday on the set today.

Lydia: Yes, one of the members of the crew has a special birthday. Our very own Stan turns 72 today,(off camera) oh, he did? Oh...

Peter: (off camera)What? Last night? Thatīs terrible. Our condolences go out to Stanīs family.

Lydia: Well, we got a lot of neat things to get to today so...

Peter: Yeah, ahh... letīs get to our weather man out on the street Rick Courtney, heīs got our forecast for this afternoon.

Lydia: Hi, Rick! How are things out there?

(camera splits showing Rick talking with great enthusiasm with no audio)

Peter: Looks like weīre having problems with his audio. Can we turn his mike up? (goofy theme music plays) No, thatīs the theme music again.

Lydia: Can we please turn that off? (goofy theme music stops and the audio on Rick is restored)

Rick: if you live in that area you should be thinking of evacuating. Back to you guys, oh, and Happy Birthday to Stan, 72 years young.

(grim faces on Lydia and Peter)

Peter: Someone probably shouldīve let him know about Stan.

Lydia: Yes, ok what do you say we get to our first guest (guest pops out in front of the hosts) oh, no...not yet. (guest leaves) She is the author of "The Winter's Edge." Please welcome, Jackie Miller. (waves her to come in, Jackie enters and shakes hands with Lydia)

Jackie: Hi. (Peter is unsure whether to shake hands, kiss or hug, finally ends in an awkward hug) Ok, glad to be here. (Jackie sits and makes a horrible fart noise) Um,that, that wasnīt me it was this chair. See I... (gets up and sits, no fart noise) Well, it's not doing it now but it did it before.

Lydia: Jackie, it says here that youīre from New York.

Jackie: No.

Lydia: Talk to research about that.

(Peter and Jackie interrupt each other)

Peter: So, Jackie where did you get---

Jackie: It took me about about five---

Peter: No thatīs ok....its my fault---

Jackie: Oh, sorry....I, I to apologize---

Peter: Oh, ok, yeah, all right---

Jackie: No, no, ok you go ahead.

Peter: Ok, where did you get the inspiration for your book?

Jackie: Um, well a lot of it actually came from my own life and much like the character Maria, I fell into a depression and as I got older I used drugs and alcohol to escape. So by the time I was about 16 I was living on the streets---(goofy theme music plays)

Lydia: Whatīs going on today?

Peter: You know what? Just ignore it. What were you saying?

(Jackie continues, competing with the goofy theme)

Jackie: Um, well I hit bottom, I ended up in a crack house and um, did the music just get louder?

Peter: Yes, I think it did get louder. Excuse me. (Peter walks off camera, Jackie adresses Lydia)

Jackie: Well then...I, I ended up and (goofy theme stops) WOKE UP IN A POOL OF MY OWN URINE! Oh, Iīm sorry but the music was loud but then it wasnīt so....

(Peter returns)

Lydia: Thank you, Peter.

Peter: Yeah, no problem. (Peter trips and falls grabbing by accident Jackieīs boobs, she gets up and they look at each other with shame. Kristen Wiig seems to almost crack up)

Jackie: Thatīs, thatīs my---

Peter: Sorry about that.

Jackie: Itīs ok... (Jackie sits and another fart noise is heard) This is a terrible chair.

Lydia: You know what? Maybe this might be a good time to quickly check in with Gene and the traffic report. Gene?

(Cut to the entire crew of the show holding a giant banner that says "Happy Birthday Stan", ballons hanging about)


(Mortified look on the hosts' faces)

Lydia: I forgot we did that.

Peter: Yeah, uh you know what? Weīll gonna try to get Gene later on on the show and hopefully-- (goofy theme music plays and the show logo appears)

Lydia: Youīve got to be kidding me!!! What!? What!?

(Peter throws his index cards on the table defeated)

(Cheers and applause.)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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