Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 18







05r: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Paul Simon

MySpace Seminar

Teacher.....Andy Samberg
Soccer Mom.....Julia Louis Dreyfus
Chadster1991.....Seth Meyers
Bill.....Bill Hader
9thGradeSk8terBoi.....Horatio Sanz
NaughtyGirlHotStuff.....Will Forte
Jason.....Jason Sudeikis
Chris.....Chris Parnell
Police Officer.....Finesse Mitchell

[ open on exterior, The Learning Annex ]

[ dissolve to interior, classroom, as Teacher addresses his class in a close-up ]

Teacher: What's up, everybody? I am pumped to welcome you to the Learning Annex's MySpace and You seminar. Today we're going to help you guys set up a MySpace page, so you an communicate with mroe than 6 million young people currently in the MySpace community. Okay, let's get started. [ squints his eyes ] You know, this is a slightly older group than I was expecting.

[ show the class, a soccer mom surrounded by a group of sleazy-looking adult men ]

Soccer Mom: [ looks around, giggles ] Uh - well, I admit i'm not here to start my own MySpace page, but my daughter is spending all of her time on it, so I thought I should see what all this hullabaloo is about!

Teacher: Okay. And the rest of you?

Chadster1991: ..What she said?

Other Men: Yeah - yeah - what the lady said - that's it!

Teacher: Fair enough. Uh - now, the first step in creating your MySpace page is to fill out your profile - things like your name, sex, and age.

Bill: Now, with the age thing - could my, uh, "child" put a different age than his actual age.

Teacher: Yeah, I guess he could.

Bill: MySpace doesn't have a way to police that?

Teacher: Not really.

Bill: So, if my "son" was.. forty-five.. he could say he was fifteen?

Teacher: Your son is forty-five?

Bill: I said, if he was forty-five. It's hypothetical.

Teacher: Well, yeah, technically he could say any age he wanted. But why would he do that?

9thGradeSk8terBoi: Well, sometimes people from one age group feel more comfortable around people of another age group. Um - maybe he wants to put what age his soul is, and.. not what age he actually is.

[ the other men agree with his valid point ]

Soccer Mom: Well, um, I am always worried that my daughter and her friends are putting older ages - you know, so they could seem more mature. Do you gentlemen have the same worries with your kids?

[all the men stare at the women, until finally one of them hesitantly speaks up ]

NaughtyGirlHotStuff: Y-yes?

Teacher: Alright, you can also fill in things like your taste in music or your favorite movies. This way, you can meet people with similar tastes.

Soccer Mom: [ laughs ] Oh! My goodness! This music my daughter listens to - I don't know how she listens to it! It must be a generational thing.

Chadster1991: Uh, I have a question.

Teacher: Yeah, go ahead.

Chadster1991: What kind of music does your daughter listen to?

Soccer Mom: Oh, uh, let's see, what does she - oh, she listens to a lot of this band called.. Fall Out Boy.

[ all the men simultaneously type the information into their laptop computers ]

Teacher: Okay, uh - now, let's move on --

Jason: I'm sorry - real quick. Is "Fall Out Boy" one, two, or three words?

Soccer Mom: Oh. I don't know. [ laughs ]

Bill: I found it! It's three words!

[ all the men simultaneously type this new information into their laptop computers ]

Teacher: Another fun part of MySpace is picking out a screen name. One common approach is to use some variation of your name and the year that you were born. So, for instance, mine is: DJDanny1979. It's a good way to give people a little more info on who you are.

Soccer Mom: [ laughs ] Well, I don't want to "date" myself, fellas, but.. you can call me Nancy1966!

Teacher: Nice work. Alright. Let's see what else we got here. [ walks over to Chadster1991 ] Chadster1991?

Chadster1991: One-thousand nine-hundred ninety-one is my favorite number.

Teacher: Okay, well, Chad --

Chadster1991: My name is Larry.

Teacher: Okay, Larry. Well, if you put 1991 on there, it might make people think you're 15.

Chadster1991: Well, that's a risk I'm trying to take. I really like the number.

Teacher: Okay. And, what else we got? How about over here? [ walks over to 9thGradeSk8terBoi ] 9thGradeSk8terBoi.

9thGradeSk8terBoi: [ uncomfortably ] Sk8terBoi was my fraternity nickname.

Teacher: Spelled like the Avril Lavigne song?

9thGradeSk8terBoi: Yeah.

Teacher: And why does it say 9thGrade if it was a fraternity nickname?

9thGradeSk8terBoi: [ struggling for a lie ] Um.. because, uh.. I went to college early.. like uh.. Doogie Howser!

Teacher: Okay. Alright. And what do we got over here? [ approaches NaughtyGirlHotStuff ] NaughtyGirlHotStuff. You know, I don't even want to hear your explanations, but - you should know you're gonna get a lot of teenaged boys wanting to meet you.

NaughtyGirlHotStuff: [ feigning shock and disdain ] Oh, no.. I don't want that! Why would I want that? Let me just change that. [ mimes typing on his keyboard ]

Chadster1991: Uh - I have a question?

Teacher: Yeah.

Chadster1991: Let's say you meet someone on MySpace, and want to arrange to meet them in person.

Teacher: Okay.

Chadster1991: Like, maybe you're going to meet them at their house.

Teacher: What's your question?

Chadster1991: What's the best way to make sure that "Dateline"'s not going to be there?

Teacher: [ returns to the front of the classroom ] Okay. Uh - I'm just going to race through the rest of this. Uh - you're going to want to select an avatar, which is a visual representation of yourself. Most people use a picture of themselves.

Chris: Excuse me? Um - I was recently in a "car accident" that "severely" altered my appearance. Is it okay to use a picture of myself from before said "accident"?

Teacher: You can use anything you want - again, MySpace doesn't really have a way to police that.

Chris: Ex-cellent!

Teacher: Just out of curiosity, what did you look like before your accident?

Chris: Chad Michael Murray.

Teacher: [ skeptical ] You looked like Chad Michael Murray?

Chris: Before the "accident", yes, much exactly like Chad Michael Murray.

Teacher: And what kind of "accident" was it?

Chris: A severe one.

9thGradeSk8terBoi: I used to look like Ashley Parker Angel!

NaughtyGirlHotStuff: I've been told I look like Jessica Alba.

Soccer Mom: [ laughs ] You know what? My son loves her!

NaughtyGirlHotStuff: [ silently ] Yes!

[ suddenly, a police officer enters the room, knocking on the door forcefully after he's already entered ]

Police Officer: Excuse me!

[ as if on cue, the older male students quickly scoop up their laptops and rush out of the classroom, offering phony excuses like "I think I left the lights on in my car!" ]

Teacher: How can I help you?

Police Officer: Well, I'm gonna teach a community policing class. do you know where Room 904 is?

Teacher: Yeah, down the hall.

Police Officer: Alright, thanks a lot! [ exits classroom ]

[ the Teacher looks at what's left of his class - the soccer mom and 9thGradeSk8terBoi leaning against the back wall attempting to hide behind a potted plant he holds in front of his face ]

Teacher: You should probably tell your daughter to stay off the internet.

Soccer Mom: Yeah. That's a - that's a good idea.

[ zoom out, fade ]


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