Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 18

05s: Kevin Spacey / Nelly Furtado


Jim.....Jason Sudeikis
Jerry.....Kevin Spacey
Amanda.....Amy Poehler
Carol.....Horatio Sanz
Waiter.....Seth Meyers

(Opens with the Buona Sera restaurant, cut to the inside of it. Jim, Amanda and Jimīs dad Jerry are sharing a table)

Jim: Itīs good to see you dad.

Jerry: Well, itīs good to see too, Jim.

Amanda: You know, weīre sorry things with you and Denise didnīt work out.

Jerry: Well, you know your stepmother and I had a good run but people grow apart. Iīm just worried at this point on my life I may never find true love again.

Amanda: Ohhh, donīt think that way. Love has a way of walking through the door when you least expect it. (In walks beautiful overweight blondie Carol)

Carol: Hey!, Hey!, Hey!

Amanda: Carol!

"And then thereīs Carol!
(Carolīs shy smile)
And then thereīs Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying: "Who? Me?")
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky, right on, Carol!"
(Carol dances wildly and poses)

Carol: IīM CAROL!

(Returns to restaurant scene)

Jerry: Who is this enchanting creature?!

Jim: I donīt know anything about that but this ladyīs name is Carol.

Carol: IīM CAROL!

Jerry: Well, itīs a rare pleasure to meet you Carol.

Amanda: Carol, what are you doing here?

Carol: Uhhh, I was using the bathroom while I waited for my takeout. This place has the cleanest restrooms in all New York. Or at least they used to. Ha! IīM CAROL!

Jerry: Well, why donīt you have a drink with us while youīre waiting?

Carol: Donīt mind if I do. Excuse me! (Pushes guy next to them on his ass and takes his chair, joins the table)

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?

Carol: Iīll have a Dunkin Donuts choconilla frapuccino.

Waiter: Well maīam as I explained to you several times through the bathroom door. You can only get that drink at Dunkin Donuts.

Carol: Ok, how about a soup bowl full of Baileyīs and rumplemintz?

Jerry: My, my Carol that sounds delightful.

Carol: Ohhh! Who is this Armand Assante impersonator?

Jim: Thatīs my dad, Jerry.

Carol: Heīs total DILF! (naughty laugh, Amanda tries to figure out what DILF means-Dad I Love to F*ck)

Amanda: Oh, ok Iīm gonna go freshen up in the ladieīs room.

Carol: I wouldnīt if I were you.

Waiter: Here is your drink (brings soup bowl) and your take out order. (brings big brown paper bag)

Jim: Well, it was nice seeing you Carol.

Waiter: Sheīs not going anywhere. This is just the first part. (leaves)

Amanda: So Carol, Jerry is an antiques dealer.

Jerry: Yes, I think things are a lot more beautiful when they had a little wear and tear.

Carol: Oh, then I think I got a few body parts youīd enjoy. (Kevin is about to crack up, waiter brings two more takeout paper bags)

Jim: So...

Waiter: Halfway there. (leaves)

Carol: Thank you.

Jerry: You are an ethereal spirit Carol. You know, in all my years in the antiques business Iīve learned things that...well, you have to have patience. Sometimes when you want a certain piece you have to wait years for the market to go down.

Carol: Well, you have to wait two minutes for me to go down. (Kevin cracks up) AAAAHHH!!! IīM CAROL!

Jerry: And Iīm JEEEEERRY! Oh, Carol I feel like Iīm latched to the mast trying in vain to resist your siren song.

Carol: Ohhhh, you talk like Hannibal Lector.

Jerry: What can I say? I love what I do! Just last week I found the most amazing chest of drawers.

Jim: Wait!...let me guess Carol. You play with my chest, Iīll drop my drawers?

Jerry: Hey! I did not raise you to talk like that! There are ladies present! I apologize for my son. Anyway Carol, you were saying?

Carol: I was play with my chest, Iīll drop my drawers!

Jerry: Enchanting! (Kevin cannot contain his laughter anymore) So Carol... (fights to control laughter) tell me...a little about yourself. What do you do? (Carol takes sip from soup bowl)

Carol: Iīm a model.

Jerry: Really!?

Carol: Yeah, Iīm a model for plus-sized coffins. I lay there and they take pictures for morticianīs catalogs.

Jerry: Well, that is fascinating. Iīd love to see those shots. Iīd love to hear more about that. Maybe you and I can go someplace a little quieter?

Carol: Well, I happen to know the ladies room is under repairs. Buuut, ah, I think the menīs room is available. Good news! (takes out little packet) I brought my own Levitra!Wooooo!!! (Jerry and Carol leave holding hands, waiter brings moving tray with six more takeout brown paper bags)

Jim: Yeah, I think weīll take it.

Jim and Amanda: Oh, Carol! (Carol runs in fast grabs 3 of the bags)

"And then thereīs Carol!
(Carolīs shy smile)
And then thereīs Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying: "Who? Me?")
Sassy, slutty, sexy skanky, right on Carol!"
(Carol dances wildly and poses)

Carol: IīM CAROL!

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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