Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 18





05s: Kevin Spacey / Nelly Furtado

The Falconer

The Falconer.....Will Forte
Future Falconer.....Kevin Spacey
Abraham Lincoln.....Darrell Hammond
Hunter.....Maya Rudolph

Announcer: In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. "The Falconer."

[ dissolve to exterior, woods, where The Falconer stands with Donald perched on his arm ]

The Falconer: Oh, Donald! April showers have brought May flowers! And the season of Spring embraces us like a bear hug from a treasured friend! [ Donald squawks ] Yes, I would love to hear a joke! [ Donald squawks ] I don't know! what DO you get when you cross a monkey with a nun?! [ Donald screeches ] Donald!! I should wash your beak out with SOAP!! You DIRTY BIRD!! You dirty.. funny bird. [ Donald squawks ]

Future Falconer: Oh, Donald! Thank GOD you're alive! The hunter's bullets have not yet PIERCED your HEART!!

The Falconer: Who are you?!

Future Falconer: I am Ken "The Falconer" Mortimer!

The Falconer: But if - that's IMPOSSIBLE!! I am Ken "The Falconer" Mortimer!

Future Falconer: Today, the impossible BECOMES the possible!! For TWENTY years from now, the mystery of time travel becomes the REALITY of time travel!!

The Falconer: WAIT!! That time machine I was always talking about building out of trees, dirt and GUMPTION?!

Future Falconer: YOU built it!! And today we'll save Donald's life!!

[ a gunshot goes off, as Donald is blasted off the Falconer's arm ]

Together: DONALD!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Future Falconer: You blithering FOOL!! You DISTRACTED me from my sense of PURPOSE!!

The Falconer: OH, so this is all MY fault?!!

Future Falconer: Oh, LOOK!! It's time to stop arguing and start TIME traveling!! We must go BACK in time to the point BEFORE Donald was shot!!

Together: TO THE TIME MACHINE-AHH!!

[ the two Falconers run offscreen ]

[ dissolve to model of the wooden time machine, stuffed with two miniature Falconers, bouncing at the center of the screen ]

[ dissolve back to the familiar scene from earlier in the day, as The Falconer (now played by Jason Sudeikis) is startled by his future self (now played by Bill Hader).

The Falconer: WAIT!! That time machine I was always talking about building out of trees, dirt and GUMPTION?!

Future Falconer: YOU built it!! And today we'll save Donald's --

[ suddenly, the original Falconer and Future Falconer rush into the scene ]

The Falconer: WAIT!!

Future Falconer: DONALD!! DUUUUCK!!

[ a gunshot goes off, as Donald is blasted off the Falconer's arm ]

All Four: DONALD!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Second Set of Falconers: WAIT!! Who are YOU??!!

First Set of Falconers: We're KEN "THE FALCONER" MORTIMER!!

Second Set of Falconers: But WE'RE KEN "THE FALCONER" MORTIMER!!

Future Falconer: We'll explain in the time machine, as we travel back even FURTHER in time!!

All Four: TO THE TIME MACHINE-AHH!!

[ the four Falconers run offscreen ]

[ dissolve to model of the wooden time machine, stuffed with four miniature Falconers, bouncing at the center of the screen ]

[ dissolve back to the familiar scene from earlier in the day, as The Falconer (now played by Andy Samberg) is startled by his future self (now played by Chris Panell).

The Falconer: -- out of trees, dirt and GUMPTION?!

Future Falconer: YOU built it!! And today we'll save Donald's LIFE --

[ suddenly, the four previous Falconers rush into the scene, as do two additional Falconers, played by Seth Meyers and Fred Armisen; all six all scream for Donald to duck ]

[ a gunshot goes off, as Donald is blasted off the Falconer's arm ]

All Four: DONALD!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

[ the two additional Falconers pair up the with the third set of Falconers ]

Third Set of Falconers: WAIT!! Who are YOU??!!

First & Second Set of Falconers: We're KEN "THE FALCONER" MORTIMER!!

Third Set of Falconers: WE'RE KEN "THE FALCONER" MORTIMER!!

Future Falconer: [waves his hands ] We need to go back in time even FURTHER!!

All Eight: TO THE TIME MACHINE-AHH!!

[ the eight Falconers run offscreen ]

[ dissolve to model of the wooden time machine, stuffed with eight miniature Falconers, bouncing at the center of the screen ]

[ dissolve back to the familiar scene from earlier in the day, as The Falconer (now played by Rachel Dratch) is startled by his future self (now played by Kenan Thompson).

The Falconer: -- out of trees, dirt and GUMPTION?!

Future Falconer: YOU built it!! And today we'll save Donald's LIFE --

[ suddenly, a fourth pair of The Falconer (played by Finesse Mitchell) and Future Falconer (played by Horatio Sanz) rush into the scene ]

The Falconer: WAIT!!

Future Falconer: DONALD!! DUUUUCK!!

[ and then the eight previous Falconers rush into the scene screaming for donald's safety ]

[ a gunshot goes off, as Donald is blasted off the Falconer's arm ]

All Twelve: DONALD!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

[ the third set of Falconers glance at the eight newcomer ]

First, Second & Third Set of Falconers: [ waving their hands ] WE ALREADY KNOW YOUR QUESTION!!!! WE ARE KEN "THE FALCONER" MORTIMER!!

Future Falconer: Sorry!! I'm a little off with my time travel today!! I promise: THIS time I will POSITIVELY get us back in time to SAVE Donald's LIFE!!

All Twelve: TO THE TIME MACHINE-AHH!!

[ the twelve Falconers run offscreen ]

[ dissolve to model of the wooden time machine, stuffed with twelve miniature Falconers, bouncing at the center of the screen ]

[ dissolve back to the familiar scene, though now it's a couple of centuries earlier. Abraham Lincoln is splitting rails as the twelve frantic Falconers rush into the scene. ]

The Falconer: Who are you??!! And what have you done with our Donald??!!

Abraham Lincoln: I'm Abraham Lincoln. I'm just out here splitting some rails.

Future Falconer: Nooooooo!!! I've overcompensated!!

All Twelve: TO THE TIME MACHINE-AHH!!

[ the twelve Falconers run back offscreen, as Lincoln continues to split his logs ]

[ dissolve to model of the wooden time machine, stuffed with twelve miniature Falconers, bouncing at the center of the screen ]

[ dissolve back to the familiar scene from earlier in the day, as The Falconer (now played by one of SNL's writers) is startled by his future self (now played by Amy Poehler).

Future Falconer: Oo-oo-oohhhhhh!! Twenty years from now! The mystery of time travel! Becomes a reality of.. TIME TRAVELLLLL!!!!

[ suddenly, the twelve previous Falconers rush into the scene screaming for donald's safety ]

The Falconer: OHHHHHHH!!!! We came back just in time!!

Future Falconer: [ points offscreen ] There's the shooterrrr!!!

All Falconers: NO!! NO!! DON'T! NO!! don't shoot!

[ cut to Hunter holding a rifle ]

Hunter: Why shouldn't I? I'm a hunter, and that bird is fair game.

[ cut back to the multiple Falconers ]

All Falconers: Because!! If you shoot that bird.. you will be shooting my heart!! My SOUL!! My DONALD!!!

[ cut to Hunter holding a rifle ]

Hunter: [ shrugs ] Fine.

[ cut back to the multiple Falconers ]

All Falconers: [ cheer triumphantly, as they crowd around Donald ] OH, DONALD!!!! WE ALMOST LOST YOU!!! ONE DAY, A BULLET MAY PIERCE YOUR FRAIL BIRD SKULL!!! BUT, UNTIL THAT DAY - YOU WILL BE THE FALCON, AND I SHALL REMAIN...

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: The Falconer!

[ fade ]


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