Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 1

This free script provided by

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Guest Writers:

September 30th, 2006

Dane Cook

The Killers


Brian Williams

Jim Rash

Richard Eckstrom for Comptroller
Summary: A bored President George W. Bush (Will Forte) makes small talk in the background as fellow Republican Richard Eckstrom (Jason Sudeikis) delivers a speech while running for comptroller of South Carolina.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.


Note: Don Roy King assumes directing duties with tonight's episode.

Dane Cook's Monologue
Summary: Dane Cook performs stand-up about negative people who go out of their way to being a conversation down.

First Hosted: 05g.


Homeland Security Refresher
Summary: Two members of the Department of Homeland Security (Dane Cook, Jason Sudeikis) teach a class of new recruits how to identify liquids or gels at airport checkpoints.


Hugo Chavez Political Roundup
Summary: Hugo Chave (Fred Armisen) hosts the Banana Republic version of the "McLaughlin Group."

Recurring Characters: Kim Jong-Il, Saddam Hussein.


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Faced with the challenge of sharing the same office cubicle, Steve (Dane Cook) initiates a "Cubicle Fight" with Gary (Bill Hader), the new hire.


Al Pacino Checks His Bank Balance
Summary: Al Pacino (Bill Hader) calls a Wells Fargo operator (Kristen Wiig) to check his balance to make sure he has enough money to order an astronaut mattress.

Recurring Characters: Al Pacino.

Note: This sketch was cut from last season's episode hosted by Peter Sarsgaard.


The Killers perform "When You Were Young"
First Performed: 04i.


Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
Summary: Brian Williams mistakenly thinks he was to become Amy Poehler's new partner at the desk. Former President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) and Condoleeza Rice (Maya Rudolph) make amends for his remarks about the Bush administration's anti-terrorism policy. Sen. George Allen (Jason Sudeikis) uses gobbledygook language to cover his racist "macaca" remark. Dustin Diamond (Andy Samberg) comments on the sex tape he's distributed so he can save his house.

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton, Condoleeza Rice, Dustin Diamond.


Water Coolers
Summary: A pair of Poland spring delivery boys (Dane Cook, Will Forte) drink all of their product, then try to hide the evidence during a surprise visit from their regional vice-president (Kristen Wiig).


The Killers perform "Bones"
First Performed: 04i.


Farrah Fawcett for Ocean Save
Summary: Farrah Fawcett (Amy Poehler) rambles incoherently for a minute before chasing the camera across the studio and inserting herself into another sketch.

Recurring Characters: Farrah Fawcett.


Closing Time
Summary: At approximately 2 a.m., belligerant bar owners Deuce (Dane Cook) and T-Bird (Jason Sudeikis) turn on the lights and pressure everyone to leave immediately.


Summary: Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph) puts a Geico customer's (Andy Samberg) experience into her own words.

Recurring Characters: Whitney Houston.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts


Siamese Twins
Summary: A pair of Siamese Twins (Will Forte, Dane Cook) teach a class.

Summary: To maintain its everyday low prices, the discount merchandising outlet proudly cuts corners on employee benefits.

Geico II
Summary: Jerry Lewis (Fred Armisen) puts a Geico customer's (Kristin Wiig) experience into his own words.

Recurring Characters: Jerry Lewis.

Airport Bar
Summary: While waiting for his plane, a man (Dane Cook) shares a drink with a woman (Kristin Wiig) who constantly complains about everything.

Note: This sketch was also cut from last season's episode hosted by Antonio Banderas.

Summary: Dental fashion accessory.

Summary: At a party, Claire (Maya Rudolph) is interested in Danny (Dane Cook) until the Kuato (Andy Samberg) from "Total Recall" bursts out of his chest.

Note: This sketch would air on next week's episode hosted by Jaime Pressley. Bill Hader would assume Dane Cook's role, while Jaime Pressley would assume Maya Rudolph's role.

Summary: Entrepreneuer Cal Brandeis (Jason Sudeikis) acts as virtual pimp for a new dating service that will discreetly deliver a "date" to your door within minutes of registering online.

SNL Transcripts