Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 1

06a: Dane Cook / The Killers

Richard Eckstrom for Comptroller

Richard Eckstrom.....Jason Sudeikis
President George W. Bush.....Will Forte
Principal Curtis.....Kristin Wiig
Mayor Sheila Bradshaw.....Amy Poehler
Danny Pendleton.....Andy Samberg
Ed Herbert.....Bill Hader
Mary Danson.....Maya Rudolph
Ted Redfield.....Fred Armisen

(The 32nd season of Saturday Night Live begins with a superimposed shot of Spring Valley High School in Columbia, South Carolina)

Mayor Sheila Bradshaw: And now, it is my great honor, to introduce our current, and I believe future Republican Comptroller of South Carolina, Richard Eckstrom.


Richard Eckstrom: Please, take your seats. Wow. Iíve never seen this auditorium so full. There are so many people I need to thank tonight. First off, your incredible Mayor Sheila Bradshaw. Thank you, for your hospitality, Ms. Bradshaw.


I also want to thank the head of your local rotary club, Ed Herbert. Donít know what Iíd do without you, Ed.


I would be remiss not to thank Mary Danson and Ted Redfield, who hosted an incredible cocktail party last night, which helped me meet some of the fine people of this town.


And to Principal Curtis, you have made your school as warm and inviting as I could have hoped for. Many thanks.


President Bush made it down from D.C. to help the campaign.


That was awful nice. And last but not least, Danny Pendleton, from this very schoolís Young Republicans Club, who helped organize a top-notch car wash operation, that raised $500 for the campaign.


Stand up, stand up. (applause ends) I think we all know, itís an important year for the Republican Party. Itís also an important year for South Carolina. I want to begin by taking about the recent developments in financial management, and internal audit in our state. I also donít want to miss the opportunity, to talk about the needs of the public sector --

(A bored President Bush begins talking to Principal Curtis)

President George W. Bush: I love getting out on the campaign trail. As the president, I think itís my duty to show my face, help out where I can.

(Cut back to Richard Eckstrom)

Richard Eckstrom: -- and to that, Iím going to be asking --

President George W. Bush: People know Bush is available, and to be honest, thereís less response than expected. Considering I am up to a 42% approval rating. Asked Rick Santorum if we needed a little presidential face time, in Pennsylvania, but, he said thanks but no thanks.


DeWine in Ohio, he took a pass. Called Lincoln Chafey in Rhode IslandÖstraight to voice mail. (laughter) But when I heard thereís a tight Comptrollerís race down here-

Principal Curtis: Iím sorry, Iím trying to listen.

President George W. Bush: OhÖrighto, okay.

(Cut back to Richard Eckstrom)

Richard Eckstrom: -- new internal audit policy, and a review of our financial policies. And then I will explain, how the initiatives build on --

(President Bush resumes speaking to Principal Curtis)

President George W. Bush: Lots going on in Washington. Itís good to get outta there. Got an NIE leak. Iíd be more angry about it, but itís hard not to think it was one of my guys who leaked it. We do that. (laughter) We do that. (pause) Talibanís back, thatís a burn. (laughter) Weíve reached a torture compromise, thatís good. (laughter) You know what constitutes torture, listening to John McCain talk about torture, that should be against the Geneva Convention.


Principal Curtis: Iím sorry, Richard is a friend of mine, I really want to hear this speech.

President George W. Bush: Okay.

(Cut back to Richard Eckstrom)

Richard Eckstrom: -- will make everyone, not just public servants, accountable --

(Still bored, President Bush turns to talk to Danny)

President George W. Bush: Play any sports, chief?

Danny: (whispers) No.

President George W. Bush: What are you interested in?

Danny: (whispers) Politics.

(President Bush turns back to Principal Curtis)

President George W. Bush: Saints are 3 and 0. (laughter) So itís official. New Orleans has recovered. (laughter) Bob Woodward wrote another book. Says itís gonna make me mad when I read it. (pause) Iím probably not going to read it. (laughter) (pause) You know what I do when Iím making a speech? I keep it simple. Let the audience know if the other guy wins, weíre all gonna die. (laughter) You know, 9/11, so on, and so forth.

(Fed up, Principal Curtis slides her chair over so she is now sitting next to Mayor Bradshaw, behind Richard and out of camera view)

(Bush turns back to Danny; Danny gives no response and will not recognize any of the following)

Iíd make a good comptroller. You want to know why? Iíd always be in ďcomptrolĒ of the situation. (laughs at his joke, light audience laughter) You hear that one? ď ďComptrolĒ of the situationĒ. I like that one.

(Cut back to Richard Eckstrom)

Richard Eckstrom: -- I apologize for using a state owned car, for my family vacation. And also, LIVE FROM NEW YORK, ITíS SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!!!

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

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