Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 1

06a: Dane Cook / The Killers

Closing Time

Deuce......Dane Cook
T-Bird.....Jason Sudeikis
Man #1.....Will Forte
Man #2.....Andy Samberg
Man #3.....Bill Hader
Man #4.....Kenan Thompson
Man #5.....Darrell Hammond
Farrah Fawcett.....Amy Poehler
Woman #1 (Bride).....Kristin Wiig
Woman #2.....Maya Rudolph
Man #6.....Fred Armisen

(After Farrah Fawcett inserts herself into the sketch, a graphic of a bar exterior is seen with KANSAS CITY, KANSAS, 1:50 AM)

T-Bird: You ready Deuce?

Deuce: Letís do this T-Bird.

(They turn on the lights in the bar)

T-Bird: Okay folks, barís closed, letís go, letís go!

Deuce: Letís go people, time to go, you donít have to go home, but you cannot stay here! Letís go!


(They begin taking to a group at a table)

T-Bird: All right guys, closing time, letís go. Weíve got to move out.

Man #1: Can I have 5 more minutes? You just turned on the lights!

T-Bird: You just want to finish your beers?

Deuce: Right here in this bar?

Man #1: Ya, is that cool?

T-Bird: Ya!

Deuce: Ya, thatís fine, take your time!

(Deuce and T-Bird walk out)

Man #1: Itís 2:00AM already, I canít believe that game went 19 innings!

(Deuce and T-Bird return with a bullhorn and a light)

Deuce: Letís go guys!

T-Bird: Come on letís go, beat it.


Man #2: Well, which one of us gets the trophy?

(Deuce breaks the trophy in half)

Deuce: There, youíre both winners. (laughter) Letís go. It doesnít matter where you go, you cannot stay in this bar. Letís go!

(T-Bird and Deuce approach a man and two girls all talking)

T-Bird: Letís go, closing time!

Man #3: Weíre in the middle of a conversation.

T-Bird: Letís go!

Deuce: You know what, Iím gonna need your keys.

(light laughter)

Man #3: Actually, Iím the designated driver.

Deuce: Ya? Well now youíre the designated key finder! (laughter) Letís go!

Man #3: Woah!

T-Bird: Letís go, move it.

Deuce: Move it out, letís go, weíre closing! (To a table) Gotta go guys, Gotta go, now!

Man #4: I just ordered these nachos!

Deuce: Oh you want a to-go bag?

(Deuce tips table and slides food into T-Birdís bag)

Deuce: There you go!


T-Bird: Letís go, how are we doing ladies?

(they cheer)

All right finish your Jello shots and get out!

Woman #2: Itís a special occasion!

Farrah Fawcett: Sheís getting married, and Iím Farrah Fawcett.


Bride-to-Be: Youíre foxy, youíre cute!

Deuce: Oh really, we are actually much cuter, outside! Letís go!

(Deuce and T-Bird pick up the bride and carry her out, as the other two ladies walk out of the bar; Deuce and T-Bird then continue to throw things away from customers sitting at the bar; they get to the end where Gary is sitting; the man is smiling, T-Bird breaks his glass, and Deuce sprays him with beer)


Gary: Same time tomorrow?

T-Bird: Ya see you tomorrow, Gary, letís go!

(laughter and applause as we FADE OUT)

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

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