Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 1







06a: Dane Cook / The Killers

Hugo Chavez Political Roundup

Hugo Chavez.....Fred Armisen
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.....Bill Hader
Pervez Musharaff.....Darrell Hammond
Kim Jong Il.....Amy Poehler
Saddam Hussein.....Dane Cook

(Open on title card, red background, with a broadcast tower on top of the Earth, reading The People’s Television of the Republic of Venezuela)

Announcer: You are watching the People’s Television of Venezuela. This is the only channel. And now it’s time for the Hugo Chavez Political Roundup!

(applause)

Hugo Chavez: Welcome to the roundup. I am (pause) HUGO CHAV-EZ! (waves arms)

(laughter)

Today, we have a lot of political issues to cover, let’s introduce, my panel! First, my good friend, President of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Mahmoud: Good to be here, death to America.

(laughter)

Hugo Chavez: Also with us, President of Pakistan, he just published a memoir titled “In the Line of Fire”! Pervez Musharaff.

(Pervez holds book up)

Pervez: 40% off on Amazon.com

(laughter)

Hugo Chavez: And finally, this guy is A-1 Looney Tunes, he is my favorite cuckoo bird, Supreme Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong Il!

(Kim Jong Il holds thumbs up)

Kim Jong Il: Hey!!!

(laughter and applause)

Hugo Chavez: Okay, Issue Number 1. El Presidente George W. Bush! His poll numbers are not so good. He is having trouble pushing his AGENDA! It begs the question, is he the devil, yes or no, Mahmoud?

(A graphic is overlaid reading “ISSUE #1: IS PRESIDENT BUSH THE DEVIL?”)

Mahmoud: Uh, yes I think he is the devil.

(laughter)

Hugo Chavez: Pervez?

Pervez: I don’t think we should be talking about devils and things. In my book, I-

Hugo Chavez: No, no, no, no, no! Book later! (laughter) Kim Jong Il?

(Kim Jong Il holds thumbs up again)

Kim Jong Il: Devil!!!

(laughter)

(Hugo it is leaning back in his chair smiling, it is unclear whether he is supposed to do this or if Fred Armisen is trying to keep from breaking character)

Hugo Chavez: I agree, he is the DEVIL! Because when I speak at the UN, it smelled of sulfur right where I stood. (laughter) And that is the smell of the devil. (light laughter) Or maybe an egg salad sandwich (laughter)

(Hugo sticks his tongue out)

But I think it was the devil (smiles proudly) Issue Number 2. When will the corrupt imperialist Americans crumble beneath the weight of its own (pause) ARROGANCE? I’ll go first. America will fall in one month. (laughter) Mahmoud?

Mahmoud: I give it three weeks.

(laughter)

Pervez: People, this is not the topic to explore. I have a book-

Hugo Chavez: No, no, no, enough with the book! (laughter) Kim Jong Il?

Kim Jong Il: Well, I don’t want to give too much away, but, uh, MONDAY!!! (holds thumbs up)

(laughter and applause)

Hugo Chavez: Okay, Issue Number 3. What makes George W. Bush so crazy? Mahmoud?

Mahmoud: Oh…that is a toughie…I would have to say…the Jews?

(laughter)

Hugo Chavez: Pervez?

Pervez: I don’t think we should be calling him crazy.

Mahmoud: Oh come on, grow a pair.

(laughter)

Pervez: No, no. I’m just saying-

Hugo Chavez: Okay, Kim Jong Il?

Kim Jong Il: I don’t know, but he’s very crazy. (laughter) Now I do the robot dance! (Dances, and holds thumbs up)

(cheers, laughter and applause)

Hugo Chavez: Okay, final issue. If you could live in a country that is not your own, which would it be? Mahmoud?

Mahmoud: America.

(laughter)

Hugo Chavez: Pervez?

Pervez: (like the answer is obvious) America!

Hugo Chavez: Kim Jong Il?

Kim Jong Il: Hollywood!!! (holds thumps up)

Hugo Chavez: Now it is time for my favorite part of the show, the commentary by our favorite jailbird, Saddam Hussein!

(A graphic of an hourglass appears with the words “A MINUTE WITH SADDAM HUSSEIN”)

(cheers and applause)

(Saddam is typing at a typewriter, looks up, notices camera)

Saddam Hussein: Have you ever wondered, why they can’t find Osama Bin Laden? But they find me in a week? (A graphic appears reading “Saddam Hussein Via Satellite”) And what is the deal with my “advisors” They say, “Saddam, go hide in this hole” It’s the first place they look! (laughter) You know, it really busts my humps, prison guards who, just because you gassed their family 20 years ago, they take it out on you! (laughter) But that’s the world we’re living in…I guess I’ll just go back to my cell, because they’ll shoot me if I go anywhere else!

(Hugo laughs)

Hugo Chavez: That’s all the time we have on Hugo Chavez Political Roundup. Join me next week, when my guests will be Fidel Castro, and Ann Coulter! Viva la gucha!

(They all dance as the music plays, the graphic appears, and we FADE OUT)


Submitted by: Dirk Noel


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