Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 1

06a: Dane Cook / The Killers

Dane Cook’s Monologue

.....Dane Cook

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Dane Cook!

(Cheers and applause)

Dane Cook: Yes, yes! You are making me feel fantastic, I’m hosting the season premiere, Saturday Night Live, 32 years, what’s up? (holds microphone to audience, cheers and applause) Don’t you try to bring me down, don’t you try to bring me down, naughty people (laughter)

You’re feeling good, negative people will try to snatch that away, I don’t like that. You know “This is the most beautiful day ever”, “Ya, I have cancer of the lip” (makes a sad and depressed face) (laughter) “So sorry to hear that on such a nice day” (Dane laughs) The just want to find something negative, “Hey, I haven’t seen Tommy in like nine years, I bumped into him the other day”, “Oh, yeah, Tommy, he has herpes” (laughter) “How do you even know that?” You can bring me down, but don’t BS me, don’t lie to me.

I’ve met enough people, I know when they’re lying, they have little tells. You can’t escape them. Girls, always do the same thing. And you’ll be like, “Dane we’ll change it” No you can’t. It’s a-u-t-omatic. (laughter) Their jaw, “You know what, you’re lying, I read your diary, you’re lying” (laughter) Ready guys?, any girls face being caught in a lie. (Lowers jaw slightly) (laughter) Just to be fair, I’ll do the flipside, I’ll do the guys, because I believe in fairness, and that’s why I watch FOX News. (laughter) Here it is. (Makes a solid straight face) Ya, good luck with that one ladies. (cheers and laughter)

Negative people like to gossip. Especially when someone dies, they have to be the first one to report it. “Did you hear about Kevin?” “No, I haven’t seen him in ages”. “He committed suicide” “WHAT?” “He took his own life” (light laughter) It’s always strange when you hear something like that, because you automatically flashback to your like happiest memory of that person, which makes it even more weird. “Kevin? Karaoke Kevin?” (laughter) “He knew all the words to the Humpty Dance without even reading the monitor” (laughter) But you can never just walk away from that conversation; you got to ask the weird follow-up… (pause) “How did he do it?” (laughter) “Oh it was so weird how he did. He took a rope and tied to the bumper of his car, and then he put the car in neutral, and left it at the top of the hill, and then he tied the rope around himself, and he pulled the car down over him.” (laughter) “WHAT? Karaoke Kevin? Where did he get so much rope?” And no one stopped him saying “Hey, hey, hey, you look like you intend to pull your own car over yourself” (laughter) “I can’t let you do that”. “Did you hear about Linda?” “No I’m still blown away about Kevin” “She committed suicide” (laughter) “WHAT?” “She took her own lifestyle” “WHAT? What does that even mean? (pause) Limbo Linda, the lowest of the low Linda?” “Ya and it was really creepy how she did it, she filled a well with acid, and then she got in the bucket, and slowly lowered herself down” (laughter) “WHAT? How do you know she slowly lowered herself?” “Well, she videoed it, it’s on YouTube. (laughter and applause)

Every video's on YouTube. You, singing "Time after Time" at your sixth grade elementary school recital, is on YouTube. Here’s a test, go home, go to YouTube, go to the search engine, and punch your keyboard. (laughter) Punch it twice, hit search, there’s a video for that. (laughter) Type in something random, “A colon F 6”, hit search, there’s a fat 10-year old with A colon F 6 painted on his chest, and he sings the song, “A:F6, A:F6, A:F…6” (laughter and applause) And you watch all ten minutes of that crap. (laughter) For some reason you have to watch the whole thing. (Dane laughs)

It is rare that you would meet a person who would wish to be on the receiving end of a car accident. Last year, there was an accident in California, 217 cars. A lady was driving, she suddenly stopped, claiming, and I quote that paper, “She saw a ghost”. (laughter) Ma’am, you can drive through ghosts. (laughter) No I don’t know if any of you are familiar with California State Traffic Bylaws, but I am. (laughter) If you hit another person, automatically your fault. Even if the person stopped at a green light, got out of their car and started dancing, “A:F6, A:F6” (laughter) it’s still your fault. So it’s like (crash) Damn it. (boom) Yes. (crash) Crap.) (boom) Not so bad. (laughter and applause) Imagine that last guy, though.

We’ve got a great show, The Killers are here, so stick around we’ll be right back.

(Applause as we FADE OUT to commercial)

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

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