Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 1

06a: Dane Cook / The Killers

An SNL Digital Short: Cubicle Fight

Written by: Dane Cook and John Lutz

Boss.....Jason Sudeikis
Gary.....Bill Hader
Steve.....Dane Cook
Andy.....Andy Samberg

[ tag (over black screen): "An SNL Digital Short" ]

[ dissolve to interior, office cubicle setting, as the Boss walks Gary, the new hire, down the cubicle corridor ]

Boss: -- I think you're gonna be pretty happy here. We've got a great team, and, from everything I've seen, you're gonna fit in just fine.

Gary: Oh, thank you, sir. I'm excited to get started.

[ the Boss chuckles, as they stop in front of a cubicle where a peeved-looking employee named Steve sits ]

Boss: And this is gonna be your cubicle. Alright? So, just make yourself at home. If you have any questions, I'll be down the hall.

Gary: Okay.

Boss: Glad to have you. [ exits ]

[ Gary and Steve size one another up ]

[ cut to wide shot from behind ]

[ tag: "CUBICLE FIGHT", with fight music synthed in the background ]

Steve: [ in deep voice ] Two men enter --

Gary: [ in deep whisper ] One man leaves.

[ they each let out a primal scream and lunge for one another ]

[ other employees look up over the cubicles to see what's going on ]

[ Steve holds Gary down on top of the desk ]

[ Gary grabs the telephone receiver and smacks Steve across the head ]

[ the grab each other in a headlock ]

Boss: Hey, Steve-o?

[ the music stops, as everyone looks over to see the Boss standing there ]

Boss: I'm gonna need that Higgins report on my desk by three.

Steve: You got it, Mr. Cal - sure.

Boss: Mmm-hmm. Gary? You settling in?

Gary: Oh, yes, sir!

[ Gary and Steve chuckle nonchalantly, as the Boss saunters away ]

[ the music starts up again, as the cubicle fight continues ]

Gary: [ grabs an envelope and holds it front of Steve's tongue ] I hate to do this to you, pal - but I really need this job! [ he slices the edge of the envelope across Steve's tongue ]

[ the other employees gasp, as Steve falls back across the desk ]

[ Steve grabs a hole-punch, pulls off the bottom piece and blows the looseleaf holes in Gary's face ]

[ Gary covers his eyes, then blindly grabs for a cup of hot coffee on the desk and throws it at Steve. Steve ducks, and the hot coffee burns the face of an errant employee (Fred Armisen) instead. ]

[ the music stops as the Boss re-appears ]

Boss: Oh, Gary, I forgot to mention. Uh - bathrooms, down the hall, on the, uh, left. Alright? Gotta get a key from Nancy.

Gary: Thanks!

Boss: [ to Steve ] And, you! Higgins report!

Steve: [ smiles ] On its way!

[ the Boss exits once more, as the music starts up again ]

[ Gary grabs a pencil and holds it over Steve like a knife ]

[ to save himself, Steve grabs an electric pencil sharpener and aims it for Gary's pencil, which sharpens it and breaks the point ]

Andy: Steve! Take my Magic 8-Ball! [ tosses it over the cubicle wall ]

[ Steve catches the Magic 8-Ball -- ]

Steve: Thanks!

[ -- and smacks Gary across the head with it ]

[ Gary goes down ]

[ triumphant, Steve grabs a letter opener and swings it down below the frame ]

[ cut to three employees looking over the cubicle wall as a glob of blood splashes across them and hits the wall ]

[ the employees are horrified, with mouths agape ]

[ cut to tag: "CUBICLE FIGHT" ]

Steve V/O: Wha..? That's -- not too funny --

[ fade ]

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