Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 1








06a: Dane Cook / The Killers

Homeland Security Refresher

Dane.....Dane Cook
Chris.....Jason Sudeikis
Amy.....Amy Poehler
Maya.....Maya Rudolph
Kenan.....Kenan Thompson
Will.....Will Forte
Fred.....Fred Armisen

[ open on a pair of Department of Homeland Security members addressing a crowd of five recruits ]

Dane: Welcome, everybody, welcome. Uh - my partner and I here, we are from the Department of Homeland Security. And we want to start by saying that, uh, those of you gathered here today are America's last line.. in the defense against terrorism.

Chris: [ yelling, husky-voiced ] The decisions you make affect the lives of milions every day!!

[ cut to the five recruits sitting in the classroom, looking stone-faced at the outburst ]

Dane: You are vigilant, precise.. and qualified.

Chris: Every one of you has at least a high school equivalency degree! And not one of you has ever been convicted of a felony! You are the cream of the crop!! You are elite!! you are America's airport security! YOU!! Are the TSA! Give yourselves a hand. Give yourselves a hand! [ begins clapping maniacally for the recruits ]

[ the recruits nervously applaud themselves, one recruit at the back clapping more enthusiastically than the others ]

Dane: So, this week, there's a loosening of, uh, recent airline restrictions concerning liquids.. and gels. and we would like to run through how that will affect policy.

Chris: Alright? Well, let's just start with a quick security refresher! Let's name sme liquids and some gels!

Dane: So, just, uh, yell out some liquids.

[ the recruits sit stone-faced, none of them have a response prepared ]

Chris: You want to name some liquids, and/or some gels!

Dane: Liquids and gels.

[ again, no response from the stone-faced recruits ]

Dane: Anything you've got!

Kenan: Water.

Dane: [ pleased ] Water! That is a liquid! Good!

Maya: Toothpaste!!

Chris: Bingo!! That is a gel!!

Amy: Shampoo!!

Dane: [ smiling ] Wow! you guys are doing great!

Fred: Turkey Sandwich!!

Dane: Nope. Nope, nope, nope.

Chris: Not a liquid or a gel!

Fred: Right. But, uh, sometimes turkey's a little wet. So --

Dane: Okay, yeah - that doesn't make it a liquid!

Amy: What about mustard!

Chris: Good! That counts!

Fred: [ hitting a revelation ] Ahhhh.. so a turkey sandwich is a liquid if it has mustard on it!

Dane: No! Uh, because it wouldn't have more than three ounces of mustard on it.

Maya: [ in all seriousness ] It would if you loved mustard!

Dane: A turkey sandwich is never a liquid! Okay, so --

Kenan: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! What if you put a turkey sandwich in a blender?

Dane: Why would you do that?

Will & Kenan: Well, if your jaw was wired shut. [ they look at each other in surprise ] Heeeeeyy!!

Dane: Look, look, look!! The important thing about today is that the TSA is loosening our restrictions on liquids and gels! Now, you can bring three ounces of liquids or gels, as long as thy are inside of a see-through baggie!

Will: Why?

Dane: Why, what?

Will: Why did it change?

Dane: That's a good question. Good. Because the FBI did tests and found that, uh, three ounces of liquids can't blow up an airplane.

Kenan: [confused ] But, four ounces of liquid can still blow up an airplane?

Dane: Uh, we're still not sure on that. But what is important here is that three ounces can't. [ turns to face Chris ] So, uh, we're safe as long as we stick withthe three?

Amy: Well, what's to stop two people from each having three ounces, and then meeting on the plane to combine them? [ smiles at her own level of genius ]

[ the two Homeland Security guys stand in bewilderment ]

Dane: Chris, you want to take this one?

Chris: Nnnnnno. [ shakes his head ]

Maya: Excuuuuuse me!! I have a Homeland Security question!

Dane: Great.

Maya: How come America's chemical plants are still woefully unprotected against attacks, despite repeated warnings by experts that they are likely the next terrorist target?!

[ the two Homeland Security guys stand in bewilderment once more ]

Dane: Airplane questions, only.

Maya: [ smiles happily ] Okay!!

Will: What if I am a passenger who does not have three ounces with me, but is confident I could produce three-plus ounces on the flight?

Chris: You mean, producing a liquid?

Will: Or a gel.

Chris: Stop!

Dane: Alright! Enough! Enough! Enough, everybody! Okay, here's the skinny. Here we go. We, are under the Department of Homeland Security, and we have way more questions than answers, okay? I don't know why we publicize our policies to the terrorists, so they can get one step ahead of us. I don't know know why you have to take your shoes off at some airports and not others. But what I do know, is that you can't say that we don't know what we're doing, as long as there's FEMA.

Fred: [ raises his hand ] I have a question.

Dane: Great.

Fred: Yeah. I have been convicted of a felony. A bunch of times. Is that gonna be a problem at all?

Chris: [ uneasy ] Let's just name a few more liquids. Alright?

Amy: root beer!

Chris: Good!

Kenan: Sprite!

Chris: Very good!

Fred: Meatballs!

Dane: [ sternly ] No!

[ dissolve to exterior, airport ]

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts