Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 2

06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae

An Address From Dennis Hastert

Speaker Dennis Hastert.....Darrell Hammond


Blue background with the House of Representatives seal.

Announcer: The following is an address from the Speaker of the United States House of Representatives: Dennis Hastert.


Speaker DENNIS HASTERT, in suit and tie, remains seated at his office desk, hands folded, and nods.


Dennis Hastert: Good evening, my fellow Americans. Throughout the past week, our nation's media has been filled with sensational stories concerning a certain member of Congress - Representative Mark Foley of Florida. And his e-mail correspondence with several young men - all formal Congressional pages. Without question, these e-mails were highly inappropriate and accordingly, Mr. Foley has resigned his seat in Congress. Some have criticized the way this issue was handled by House Republican leaders, but let's be honest, a number of individuals share some responsibility here. Former President Clinton, The Washington Post, Al-Qaeda Number Two Man Ayman al-Zawahiri, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, and her daughter Chelsea. There's plenty of blame to go around.

So rather than indulge in partisan finger-pointing, let's move on. That having been said however, it would be wrong to close the books on Congressman Foley's career without first acknowledging the singular contribution he made during his 12 years in the House. In particular, his work with the Congressional Page Program. More than any other member of Congress, Rep. Foley cared about these kids. Their interests, their plans for the future... even the kind of underpants they wore.

For many pages, his office became a home away from home. Where the overwhelmed, the homesick, or those insecure about their bodies were sure to find a sympathetic ear. Perhaps a shoulder to cry on or even a playful pillow fight, followed by a soothing alcohol rub down. His genoursity was legendary. It might be a bewildered 16-year-old living away from home for the first time who looked like he could use some assistance putting on his trousers. Or a shy youngster unfamiliar with clothes shopping, overheard to say he needed "new swimming trunks". Mark Foley was there to help. And unlike most members of Congress, he didn't wait to be asked.

But once a young man was back at home, his time as a page over, was he forgotten? Not by Mark Foley. Whether it was a high school swim meet, wrestling match or even a wrestling practice, you were sure to find him there - video camera in hand - to lend his support. Never one to draw attention to himself, he usually did his filming while in an elaborate disguise or sometimes from a parked car. And he sought no thanks or even acknowledgement for his thoughtfulness. As a matter of fact, in most cases, he didn't even tell the young men he was filming them.

As often as not, former pages would be surprised even astonished to learn about the hundreds and hundreds of hours of footage he had shot of them. All meticulously labeled -- indexed according to hair color, body type, and style of underpant. And carefully maintained his self-storage unit in suburban Maryland. That's the kind of guy he was.

Congressman Foley may have had his eccentricities, even his faults as do we all, but we in the House are going to miss this man. Because now that he is gone, there is no one in Congress quite like him... I mean maybe on the Democratic side, definitely no Republicans. We're absolutely certain about that. We've checked. So thank you. And live from New York, it's Saturday Night.

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts