Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 2









06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae

Jon Bovi

Jackie Downs.....Jaime Pressly
Assistant.....Bill Hader
Metal head 1.....Jason Sudeikis
Metal head 2.....Will Forte

[Opens with the office of record executive Jackie Downs. Gold and platinum records hang from the walls. Jackie sits at her desk and talks in her earpiece]

Jackie Downs: I just think the album cover is too racy. Because she's a role model to young girls. Fine. You want to use the one where Ashlee's nipples are exposed, be my guest Mr.Simpson.[gets off the call. Her assistant peeks from the door]

Assistant: Jackie, your 10 o'clock is here.

Jackie Downs: Damn. I'm seeing these guys as a favor to my fanny facialist. Let them in but interrupt me in 5 minutes.

Assistant: You got it, Jackie.

[In walks two moustached,long haired metal heads, dressed in 80's metal fashion. Bandanna, hankies, leather jackets, the works. Metal head 1 is eating a banana]

Metal Head 1: So you're the great Jackie Downs.

Jackie Downs: Yeah, and who the hell are you?

Metal Head 2: We're your new hit record.

Jackie Downs: Great. So I hear you're a rock band, something like Bon Jovi?

[Outraged]

Metal Head 1: Whoa!, whoa!, whoa!

Metal Head 2: You take that back! We are nothing like Bon Jovi!

Metal Head 1: We couldn't be further from Bon Jovi, God!

Jackie Downs: Ok, fine. What is your band's name?

Metal Head 2: Jon Bovi.

Jackie Downs: See now, that sounds a lot like Bon Jovi to me.

Metal Head 1: Yeah, well the similarities end there, Jackie Downs.

Metal Head 2: Yeah, you do not even mention Bon Jovi in the same sentence as Jon Bovi. It is insulting to us and all the Bovi fans.

Jackie Downs: Look, I don't have a lot of time.

Metal Head 1: NO!! You have all the time in the WORLD!!

Jackie Downs: Well, actually I have like 5 minutes.

Metal Head 2: Well, you'll make 5 lifetimes for us after you hear this...

Metal head 1 and 2: 1!!, 3!!, 4!!

Metal Head 1: Wait, hold on.

Metal Head 2: Where are we starting?

Metal Head 1: 2's good?

Metal Head 2: Ok.

Metal Head 1: All right.

Metal head 1 and 2: 2!!, 3!!, 4!![Rip-off of Bon Jovi's hit "Wanted: Dead or Alive"]

Metal Head 1:[sings]Cause I'm an Indian...

Metal Head 2: India-a-a-an....

Metal Head 1: On a cotton horse I do not ride, I'm unwanted...

Metal Head 2: Unwanted...

Metal head 1 and 2: Alive or dead, alive or dead, a-live or.....de-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ad![singing stops]

Metal Head 1: Boom! Now where the "f" do we sign?!!

Metal Head 2: We brought our own pe-e-e-ens!![hold up a couple of pens]

[Jackie studies them, metal heads grin like idiots]

Metal Head 1: I said, where the "f" do we sign?!!

Metal Head 2: And I said, we brought our own pe-e-e-e-ens!!!

Jackie Downs: Guys, that song sounds exactly like Bon Jovi.

Metal Head 1: What?!

Metal Head 2: Uuuuh?!!

Metal Head 1: What?!

Jackie Downs: It is Bon Jovi!

Metal Head 1: Yeah, lady you're crazy, all right. That song is the exact opposite of a Bon Jovi song.

Metal Head 2: Yeah, we hate Bon Jovi. That's exactly why we started Jon Bovi in the first place!

Metal Head 1: Now, where the "f" do we sign!!

Metal Head 2: We brought our own pe-e-e-e-ens!!

Jackie Downs: I'm never, ever gonna sign you.

Metal Head 2: Until you hear this...

Metal head 1 and 2: 2!!, 3!!, 4!!....5!!, 6!!, 7!!, 8!!, 9!!, 10!!, 11!!, 12!!, 13!!

[Rip-off of the Bon Jovi hit "Bad Medicine"]

Metal head 1 and 2: [sing] Your hate is like good medicine!, good medicine is not what I need!, cause I'm healthy, your hate is like good medicine!, good medicine is not what I need...

Jackie Downs: Get out of my office!!

Metal Head 1: Oh, I see what's going on. She's screwing with us.[cracks himself up]

Metal Head 2: She totally got me!! I thought you were not gonna sign us!!

Metal Head 1: Oh, you're good, Jackie Downs!

Metal Head 2: Good? She's great!

Metal Head 1: I like the vibe here. It's laid back. Good, good.

Metal Head 2: This is the environment where we will create original hit records.

Metal Head 1: Yeah, put'em on the walls.

Jackie Downs: You guys, I'm not joking. Get out.

Metal Head 1: Ok, all right. That's cool. Not a Bovi fan. We got some other looks.

Metal Head 2: Yeah.

Metal Head 1: We use to dick around with some folk music stuff that'll really freak your beans.

Metal Head 2: You might have heard of us. We were called Cherry Hapin.

Metal head 1 and 2: 2!!, 4!!,6!!, 8!! who do we appreciate, thi-i-i-i-s song!!![sing] And the dogs in the hamlet and the golden fork, big girl red and the woman in the sun...

Jackie Downs: Ok, that's enough.

Metal Head 1: Ok sure, we'll move on to hip-hop if you like.[Rip-off of Usher's hit song "Yeah"]

Metal head 1 and 2: [sing and dance]Toot-toot, toot-toot NO!!, Toot-toot, toot toot NO!!

Jackie Downs:[picks phone up]Can you please get me security, please?!

Metal Head 1: Ok, how about some gay hair metal?!

Metal Head 2: Hecks yeah!! Crotley Mue!!

[Rip-off of Motley Crue's hit "Girls, Girls, Girls"]

Metal head 1 and 2: [sing] Boys!!,Boys!!, Boys!! Scratchy beards, floppy dongs!!...[Metal head 1 demonstrates with the banana peel]

Jackie Downs: Stop right there!!

Metal Head 1: Where do we sign?!!

Metal Head 2: Yeah, we don't need pe-e-e-e-ens!! Oh, wait, my pens are gone.

Metal Head 1: What?!

Metal Head 2: We do need a pen.

Metal Head 1: Where is your pen?

Metal Head 2: I don't know. I put it in my butt and now I can't find it.

Metal Head 1: Why did you put it in your butt?

Metal Head 2: It's not as important as this record deal right now. So let's just focus on that.

Metal Head 1: All right, we'll focus on that but we'll talk about this thing later.

Jackie Downs: You guys, for the last time, shut up! I've heard enough...[gets up behind her desk]Enough to offer you a 50 year recording contract.

Metal Head 1: Wh-o-o-o-o-o-ah!!![jumps around]

Metal Head 2: Wha-a-a-a-a-a-t!!

Jackie Downs: You had me at "floppy dongs". Now let's make some hit records!!

Metal Head 2: Woooo!!!

[The 3 of them raise their fists in the air. Cut to the CD cover, the metal heads playing flying v's electric guitars. Jon Bovi's new album is entitled: Jon Bovi Does Not Sing The Hits Of Scorpions. A song is heard. It's a rip-off of Scorpions's hit "Rock you like a Hurricane"]

Metal head 1 and 2: [sing]I'm not here!!, roll me like a pleasant day!!....

[fade]

[Cheers and applause]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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