Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 2

06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae


Danny.....Bill Hader
Claire.....Jaime Pressley
Jason.....Jason Sudeikis
Kristen.....Kristen Wiig
Kuato.....Andy Samberg

[ open on interior, casual party atmosphere. Danny and Claire sit on a couch in mid-conversation with Jason and Kristen sitting on an adjacent easychair. ]

Danny: -- So he turns around and I yell, "Hey, pal! Why don't you watch where you're going?!"

[ the group laughs ]

Jason: I told you - this guy's a maniac! [ holds up his hand for a high-five from Danny ] Give me some!

[ they high-five one another ]

Danny: Right! [ his cell phone rings ] Sorry, guys. I gotta take this - work never ends. [ he leans off to the side of the couch to take his call ]

Claire: [ leans closer to Jason and Kristen to whisper: ] Wow! Danny's really sweet. Is he single?

Kristen: Oh, uh.. h-he's s-single, all right.. but, uh, trust me, you d-do not want to get involved with him!

Jason: [ matter-of-factly ] Yeah. He's got a Kuato.

Claire: A what?

Jason: A Kuato. [ Claire stares blankly ] You know - a-a-a little mutant guy that-that lives inside of him, you know? Lives inside of him and comes out of his stomach.

Kristen: It was in an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie - "Total Recall"?

Claire: From, like, twenty years ago?

Jason: Mmm-hmm.

Claire: I don't think I saw that one.

Jason: [ excited ] Oh! Oh, it's great! You see, Arnold has to help this race of mutants create a.. new atmosphere on the planet of Mars!

Kristen: Yeah! Kuato's the leader of the mutant resistance.

Jason: Mmm-hmm. And now he's living inside of Danny!

Claire: What?

Jason: [ looks over ] Uh-oh! It's happening. It's happening. [ points toward Danny ]

[ they all look over with great disgust to see the little mutant Kuato poke out of Danny's stomach. Danny sits in a trance with his head jerked back. ]

Kuato: [ blinking his eyes and wagging his tongue ] What's crackin', y'all? Kuato in da house!

Claire: My God! That's disgusting!

Kuato: What is? Oh, no - is it my breath? [ breathes into his hands ] Oh! I knew it! Any of you Quaids got a Smint?

Jason: Yep. Yeah, buddy, I got one. [ reaches into his pocket and pulls out some Smints ] There you go.

Kuato: Thanks.

[ Jason proceeds to drop Smints into Kuato's hands, but Kuato never seems to get a grip in any of them ]

Jason: Having a little trouble there - there you go.

Kuato: I missed that one. Maybe just place it.. 'cause.. you know.

Jason: Yeah.

Kuato: Yeah. This is gonna be the best!

Jason: [ places a Smint on Kuato's tongue ] There you go! [ the Smint misses its target yet again ] Oops!

Kuato: Well - you know what, I'll snag it later. But thanks, Quaid - my breath was kickin' like Bruce Lee!

Jason: [ to Claire ] He's, uh - he's really into Smints!

Claire: Yeah. I think I'm gonna be sick..

Kuato: What's wrong with this Quaid?

Kristen: She's never seen a Kuato before.

Kuato: Oh. That's weird. [ to Claire ] You're weird, Weirdo!! [ laughs maniacally, as he struggles to move his hands closer to his face ] You know, I - I can't seem to finagle that Smint into my mouth. Can one of you Quaids hook me up?

[ an awkward silence, as Jason and Kristen look at Claire ]

Jason: Do it, Claire.

Claire: Why me?

Kristen: You're sitting right next to him!

Claire: I'd really rather not.

Jason: Oh, come on - look at him. You're hurting his feelings.

[ cut to Kuato with a hurt look on his face ]

Claire: Fine.

[ Claire relunctantly picks up one of the Smints and moves it up to Kuato's mouth. Kuato reacts with a hungry snarl that causes her to retreat. Instead, Claire attempts to toss the Smint into Kuato's mouth. ]

Kuato: Oh, come on! Just place it. Come on.

[ Jason hands Claire a Smint ]

Kuato: Just place it.

[ Claire moves the Smint up to Kuato's mouth, and he again reacts with a hungry snarl. The Smint bounces off his lips. ]

Kuato: Just a taste was enough! Thanks, babe. Hey! Any of you Quaids dare me to eat my own fist? I'll totally do it!

Claire: Why does he keep calling us "Quaids"?

Jason: That's Schwarzenegger's character from "Total Recall."

[ Kuato now has an entire fist in his mouth. He spits it out and smiles. ]

Kuato: Ha! Told you I could do it! You guys are so molded! [ laughs ] Hey, guys? What Quaid does a Kuato have to blow to get a Molsen around here?

Claire: That is so vile!

Kuato: I'm kidding. But, seriously - can someone snag me a Molsen? I can't walk.

Jason: Why don't you make Danny do it? You're in his body.

Kuato: Oh, come on, man! You know I don't get along with that Quaid! Oh, man - here he comes!

[ they all turn their heads away in disgust as Kuato jerks back into Danny's stomach, and Danny comes to ]

Jason: Oh, wow!! That is not nice to look at!!

Claire: Yeah. It's almost grosser going back in than it was coming out --

Jason: Oh!

Kristen: Yeah. I-I-I would say definitely.

Danny: [ gasping for air ] Wha - what happened? Where am I?

Claire: Y-you blacked out.

Danny: [ picks an object from the couch ] Oh, no - Smints! Kuato was here, wasn't he?

Jason: Oh, yeah. Big time.

Kristen: Yeah. He was being really disgusting.

Danny: [ to Claire ] Great. Now you're probably never gonna want to see me again, huh?

Claire: Y-yeah. I-I'm sorry, Danny, but I-I d-don't.. I just can't see myself with a guy who has a Kuato.

Danny: Damn you, Kuato-who-lives-in-my-stomach!!

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hello! I'm California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger! You may remember me from films like "The Terminator" and, hopefully, "Total Recall" out there. Tonight, I want to talk to you about the important issue of immigration. Many of us react emotionally to this issue - much like all of the people in this scene reacted to the Kuato over there! At first look, Kuato is repulsive! It is slimy! And it smells bad in there! But if we give the Kuato a chance, it just might help our economy. to conclude: Open your mind, Quaid! Ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha ha!! Yeeeeeeeessss, that's me out there! Good night out there!

[ fade ]

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