Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 2







06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae

WVIR News

Gil.....Jason Sudeikis
Michelle Dison.....Kristen Wiig
Crystal Duggler.....Jaime Pressly

[FADE IN on Gil at the WVIR anchor desk with a cheesy grin on his face.]

Gil: [in a nasal voice] Well, thank God we'll have terrific weather for the Oysterfest this weekend. [laughs stupidly] And now let's go to Michelle Dison with "Around the Town." Michelle?

[CUT to Michelle in a dark business suit standing next to a blonde in a swimsuit in front of a car dealership.]

Michelle Dison: [into microphone] Hi, Gil! I'm here at Bob Gibson Pontiac with the winner of this year's "Hands on a Hardbody" contest, Crystal Duggler. First of all, Crystal, congratulations.

Crystal Duggler: [bends over to microphone] Thank you so muuuu...ch.

[Crystal straightens and grins perkily with her hands on her hips for a long moment. As she does, Michelle looks her body up and down.]

Michelle Dison: [glances up] I'm sorry. Where did I go? [takes a deep breath] Um... now, um... Crystal, tell us about this "Hands on a Hardbody" contest.

Crystal Duggler: Well, what happens is, everybody stands around a brand new truck, touching it, and you can't stop touching it, ever, or else you're out, and when--

Michelle Dison: Can I, can I just say something? Uh, you are a very pretty girl. [snickers self-consciously] Yes, you're very pretty. Isn't she, Gil?

[CUT to Gil at the anchor desk absently sipping a mug of tea.]

Gil: [looks up with a start] Oh, uh, yes. [sets down mug] Yes, she is.

[CUT back to Bob Gibson Pontiac.]

Michelle Dison: [leering at Crystal] With nice skin, and tan... gorgeous.

Crystal Duggler: Thank you, I mean, I thought I looked terrible, I've been standing here with my hand on a truck for three days, so...

Michelle Dison: Well, if you look this good after all that, I can't even imagine how good you look fresh out of the shower.

[They stand awkwardly for a long moment as Crystal's smile slowly fades. Michelle points her mike to her, but Crystal does not speak.

Michelle Dison: Uh, it...

[laughter]

Michelle Dison: Um... Anyway, uh, what made you, uh, want to do a contest like this?

Crystal Duggler: Well, I just wanted to... y'know, try something...

Michelle Dison: 'Cause you, you could model. You, you should model. The combination of your face, and all this, uh... you could be modeling--you should be modeling. [points to camera] That camera there would love you. This camera loves you. My camera, these camera eyes... [points to her own eyes] ...love you. I love you. I mean, I don't even know you... [laughs nervously] But... the way you look is, um... is really great.

Crystal Duggler: [bends down to mike] Thanks.

Michelle Dison: [fights for composure] So, um... how many hours were you standing there?

Crystal Duggler: Oh, about seventy-eight hours.

Michelle Dison: Someone must go to the gym.

[laughter]

Michelle Dison: [to camera] Gil, y'know, the only thing I could look at for 78 hours is this face. [points to Crystal] You're...

[laughter]

Michelle Dison: I mean, your face is, um, one of a kind. [rapidly] I mean, I know all faces are one of a kind--unless you're a twin, then, um...

Crystal Duggler: Well, actually, I'm an only child--

Michelle Dison: Me too!! We should talk about that later. [in a singsong voice] "Something in commonnnnnn..."

[CUT back to Gil.]

Gil: All right, let's wrap it up, Michelle!

[CUT back to the car lot.]

Crystal Duggler: Uh, can I just say hi to my little niece? [bends to mike and waves to camera] Hi, Jenny! Hiiiii!

[Crystal becomes aware that Michelle is stealing a sniff of her hair, and she straightens up nervously.]

Michelle Dison: [in a reporter's voice] Crystal, you are friggin' unbelievable... um, and you know, Crystal, I'm going through a terrible divorce... um, I mean, I am a total wreck.

Crystal Duggler: You know, I should get going, cause I really haven't eaten, I need a meal.

Michelle Dison: Me too!! That's weird, I was just saying--oh, where could we go... [softly] Where could we go... to eat together--GOD, your BODY!

Crystal Duggler: Michelle, you know, I think your divorce has you in a really bad place, or... maybe you're just like this all the time, I don't know. But you took what would have been the best day of my life, and poured a big ol' bucket of creep juice on it, so... you get some help. [She pats Michelle's hair quickly and dashes away. Michelle touches her hair where Crystal touched it, and struggles to maintain some semblance of composure.]

Michelle Dison: Gil, are you there?

Gil: [at desk] Yes.

Michelle Dison: That, that was bad, wasn't it?

Gil: Yeah.

[CUT back to Michelle as bird poop lands on her left shoulder and leaves a white splatter down her sleeve. She stands perfectly still for a long moment.]

Michelle Dison: [tightly] Gil?

Gil: [at desk] Yes?

Michelle Dison: I'm--I'm still on camera, aren't I?

Gil: [off camera] Yeah. Yeah, you are.

[Michelle drifts to the left edge of the screen and looks close to tears. CUT back to the studio.]

Gil: Well, that was embarrassing--we'll be right back!

[News theme plays as Gil nervously shuffles his papers. FADE to black over applause.]


Submitted by: Sean


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