06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance
Two A-Holes Work Out with a Trainer
Matt the trainer..... John C. Reilly
Male A-Hole..... Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole..... Kristin Wiig
[FADE IN on a slide which looks like workout dumbbells with title captions on it.]
Announcer: [cheerfully] And now, two A-Holes work out with a trainer.
[Matt leans on a treadmill at a gym as the A-Holes approach him. The Male A-Hole has his iPod earbuds in, the Female A-Hole is texting into her phone]
Male A-Hole: You work here?
Matt: Yes, I do, can I help you?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we're supposed to meet up with some trainer. What's his name, babe?
Female A-Hole: Matt.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, go get Matt.
Matt: Oh, actually, I'm Matt. Were you guys my two o'clock?
Male A-Hole: That us, babe?
Female A-Hole: [looking at her nails] Yeah.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, that's us.
Matt: Okay, well, now you know it's 2:55.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't worry. We got here at two.
Matt: [confused] What? You were here at two? Why didn't you come find me?
Male A-Hole: Why didn't you come find us?
Matt: I didn't know what you looked like?
Female A-Hole: You do now. [rolls eyes, Male A-Hole points at her]
Matt: OK. Um, I'll tell you what. I've got a half hour before I need to go, we could at least get you started.
Male A-Hole: Whaddya think, babe?
Female A-Hole: I don't care.
Male A-Hole: We don't care.
Matt: Okay, well, what do you guys normally do for exercise?
Male A-Hole: What do we do, babe?
Female A-Hole: [disinterestedly] For what?
Male A-Hole: For exercise.
Female A-Hole: For what?
Male A-Hole: For exercise.
Female A-Hole: [to Matt] Do you guys sell boxes?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we're moving today.
Matt: [confounded] No, we don't sell boxes. How about you guys just answer a couple fitness questions, okay?
Male A-Hole: That okay, babe?
Female A-Hole: Yeah.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, shoot.
Matt: Fine. Now that you have a trainer, what are your goals?
Male A-Hole: I wanna own a horse.
Matt: No, uh, I meant physically, what are your goals.
Male A-Hole: Ohhh, right right right, I gotcha. I wanna physically own a horse.
Matt: [gives up] Okay, great. Um, what about you? [gestures to Female A-Hole]
Female A-Hole: I wanna lose 45 pounds.
Matt: [startled] Wait, did you, did you say 45 pounds?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, yeah, don't forget about my horse.
Matt: Yes, I got the horse, thanks. Miss, losing 45 pounds would not be good for you.
Female A-Hole: Okay, then I want a horse, too.
Male A-Hole: Yeah. We'll take two physical horses.
Matt: You know what, let's just skip the questions. How about you hop on the treadmill so I can, you know, measure your heart rate. [Female A-Hole steps on the treadmill.] Um, you've used one of these before, right?
Female A-Hole: [duh] Yeah!
Matt: Okay. Great.
[Matt starts the treadmill. She continues to text, neglects to walk, and steps off the treadmill when she reaches the end of it.]
Male A-Hole: Good job, babe. You have fun?
Female A-Hole: Yeah. It's like the sidewalk on The Jetsons.
Male A-Hole: Right. [to Matt] You know what The Jetsons are?
Matt: [nods] Yes, I know what the Jetsons are.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, she can do the voice of the dog Astro. Babe, do your Astro voice. [she looks at him] Astro voice, go. [she looks at him some more]
Female A-Hole: Ra-ra roy. [he nods]
Male A-Hole: She said "bye, Elroy".
Matt: [unenthused] Yeah, I got that. Yeah.
Female A-Hole: He does Shaggy.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, you know the guy from Scooby-doo?
Matt: Yes. [they all look at each other] So you gonna do it, or --
Male A-Hole: Nope.
Matt: Okay, fine, why don't we just--
Male A-Hole: [in same voice] Zoinks. [he laughs]
Matt: Look, folks, not to be rude, but the two of you have wasted more than an hour of my time. You know, the last thing it seems like you want to do is exercise. You don't even know how to use the treadmill. [The A-Holes stare at him.] I mean, why are you even here? [The A-Holes stare at him.] Okay, now you're just staring at me. [They continue to stare] Did I offend you? [Female A-Hole rolls her eyes] Wow, this is absurd. Uh, never happened to me before. I don't know how to feel. Um, I'm kind of mad… [They stare at him] I'm embarrassed. [pauses] I guess I'm mostly embarrassed. I have to go now, okay? I'm going to be leaving. All right? Goodbye. [he leaves]
Male A-Hole: Great work-out, babe.
Female A-Hole: Yeah, I'm sweating.
Male A-Hole: Yeah. [nods] Hey, gimme a little more Astro, babe.
Female A-Hole: "Roo rook rike a rabbit."
Male A-Hole: Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Joy