Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

John C. Reilly's Monologue

.....John C. Reilly
James Lipton.....Will Ferrell

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen - John c. Reilly!

[ the audience cheers and screams with great enthusiasm ]

John C. Reilly: Oh.. wow! Hello! Hello! [ humbled ] Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. [ the audience continues with their applause ] Wow! Hey! This is really amazing! This is reaaaaly amazing, to be hosting "Saturday Night Live" - little ol' me, whaddaya know? [ a couple of audience members whoop ] I have to say, this is kind of unbelievable. I mean, literally unbelievable. When they called me to ask me to host the show, you know, I said, "Yes," of course. But I told them, "You know, you might have to remind people, a little bit, of who I am exactly." Because.. well.. lots of people seem to know my face - I've been in over forty films - but, you know, I'll admit it - I'm not exactly a household name, you know? They know the work, but not the name.

James Lipton: That is a patent false-hood.

[ the audience screams and cheers excitedly, as Will Ferrell, dressed as James Lipton, stands in the audience, clutching his blue note cards ]

James Lipton: All the peoples of the world know who you arrrre - and.. they.. relish you. You.. sir.. are a de-light! [ laughs maniacally ]

John C. Reilly: James Lipton! Wow! I can't believe it!

[ Lipton runs up on stage to join Reilly ]

James Lipton: You know - you know - thank you! Thank you for a body of work.. that is brilliantly personified. If you want to see a magnificant performance --

John C. Reilly: James. Thank --

James Lipton: -- an astonishing performance --

John C. Reilly: It's just that I'm right in the middle of --

James Lipton: -- a moment SO splendifferous.. its mere existence offers irrefutable proof.. that there.. is indeed.. a God!

John C. Reilly: Sir, I don't --

James Lipton: The role, of course.. is that of Marcellus Wallace. The film? "Pulp Fiction!"

John C. Reilly: I wasn't in "Pulp Fiction."

James Lipton: Nonsense! You are being modest! You.. were.. spell-bind-ing!

John C. Reilly: No, really - I wasn't in "Pulp Fiction."

James Lipton: [ laughs maniacally, as he switches blue cards ] The year.. was 1965. THe place? The Milky Way galaxy. More specifically, our solar system. The film? "Sound of Music."

John C. Reilly: I was born in 1965 --

James Lipton: Indeed you were. Born anew on film. You were also the voice of R2D2 in "The Sound of Music." Changed not only the way we look at cinema --

John C. Reilly: He was a robot, Sir.

James Lipton: -- but how we look at ourselves, in the mirror --

John C. Reilly: James --

James Lipton: -- when you've slept on a courderoy pillow --

John C. Reilly: I --

James Lipton: -- or, perhaps, a telephone cord --

John C. Reilly: Yes. I appreciate --

James Lipton: -- after a night of what the French call Le petit melangalias, a le, a lai --

John C. Reilly: Thank you very much, sir. That's very kind of you, but --

James Lipton: And now we come full circle.

John C. Reilly: That's a lot of cards.

James Lipton: Yes. The year? 2002.

John C. Reilly: Okay!

James Lipton: The film? "Chicago."

John C. Reilly: Yes. Well, I was in that one.

[ the audience cheers ]

James Lipton: And, of course.. the role? Roxy Hart.

John C. Reilly: No - Roxy Hart was a woman.

James Lipton: [ laughs manaically ] Indeed!! When Roxy claims to be pregnant --

John C. Reilly: But I didn't play her --

James Lipton: -- to refocus the limelight directly on her --

John C. Reilly: Yes. But, I --

James Lipton: -- it --

John C. Reilly: It was Renne Zelwegger --

James Lipton: -- was --

John C. Reilly: She was a woman --

James Lipton: -- Brilliant! [ a beat ] Could we speak to Roxy?

John C. Reilly: James, I didn't --

James Lipton: [ puts his hand on Reilly's face ] Roxy?

John C. Reilly: I didn't play --

James Lipton: Is Roxy in there? [ puts his fingers to Reilly's mouth, and proceeds to dig his way inside ]

John C. Reilly: [ in a high-pitched voice ] Yes!

James Lipton: [ breathes a sigh of relief ]

John C. Reilly: Yes, she's here!

James Lipton: I think everyone here would enjoy hearing some of roxy's signature song. Wouldn't you, audience?

[ the audience cheers ]

James Lipton: Would you?! [ to Reilly ] Roxy?

John C. Reilly: [ giving in ] Oh, James, you hopeless dreamer.

James Lipton: Oh, yes! Yes!

John C. Reilly: [ grabs a microphone and begins singing ] "It's good, isn't it?"

James Lipton: [ throws his blue cards to the ground ] Marvelous!

John C. Reilly: "Grand, isn't it?"

James Lipton: It's happening!

John C. Reilly: "Great, isn't it?"

James Lipton: I have an erection!

John C. Reilly:
"Swell, isn't it?
Fun, isn't it?

James Lipton: I can't believe it! [ grabs a microphone of his own, and sings ]
"There's men, everywhere
Jazz, everywhere
Booze, everywhere
Life, everywhere
Joy, everywhere

John C. Reilly: "You can like the life you're livin'."

James Lipton: "You can live the life you like."

John C. Reilly: "You can even marry Harry."

James Lipton: "But mess around wiht Ike."

"And that's
Good, isn't it?
Grand, isn't it?
Great, isn't it?
Swell, isn't it?
Fun, isn't it?"

John C. Reilly:
"But nothing stayyyys

In fifty years or so --"

James Lipton: "It's gonna change, you know."

"But, ohhhh, it's heaven

James Lipton: Let's hear it for our host, Sean J. Reilly!

[ a neon sign drops down that reads: "Sean C. Reilly" ]

John C. Reilly: Almost! That's also incorrect!

James Lipton: Sean J. Reailly - I'm sorry!

John C. Reilly: We have a great show for you tonight!

James Lipton: "Apocolypse Now!"

John C. Reilly: My Chemical Romance is here!

James Lipton: "Kramer vs. Kramer!"

John C. Reilly: Stick around, we'll be right back! It'll be fun!

James Lipton: "The Birdcage!"

Together: "Now-a-dayyyyyysss --"

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