Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

Mexican Restaurant

Jennifer....John C. Reilly
Robert....Fred Armisen
Shelley....Kristen Wiig
Girl 1....Maya Rudolph
Girl 2....Amy Poehler
Waiter....Jason Sudeikis

[Opens with a Mexican cantina style restaurant. Three girlfriends are enjoying their meals. Chips and salsa, margaritas etc.]

Girl 1: Oh my God!, you guys, how much fun was that party last night?

Girl 2: Oh my God! It was so fun. Oh, my God! Can I just say you guys, how hung over you guys were!

Girl 1: Oh, I am so hung over.

Girl 2: I know.

Shelley: Oh my God. How crazy is it that I woke up this morning in just my turtleneck.

[Girls laugh. At the end of the table is emotional blondie Jennifer]

Jennifer: Oh my God! That is so funny, Shelly. How crazy are you?!

Shelley: I know.

[Girl 1 eats chip]

Girl 1: Oh my God, you guys. I could seriously live on chips and salsa.

Jennifer: I know, right? I do live on chips and salsa.

[Jennifer laughs then ugly cries holding up a chip]

Girl 1: Oh my God, Jennifer, what is it?

Jennifer: Nothing you guys. I'm good. You guys, listen to this. This is funny. Last night I drank 27 buttery nipples.[Laughs and cries bitterly] And I totally called Robert!!

Girls: Jennifer! Oh, no!

Jennifer: I'm okay.[cries]and then I had a glass of Port and then I found a bottle of Pinot Griggio in my trunk and I drank that and that's kind of funny, right? [giggles and then cries]And then I called Robert again!!!

Girls: No!!

Jennifer: YES!!!

Girl 1: Jennifer, why on earth would you do that?

Jennifer: Because you guys! Robert is my boo!

[waiter arrives]

Waiter: Who ordered the beef burrito?

Jennifer: Me.

Waiter: All right. There you are.[sets plate down] And who ordered the beef tacos?

Jennifer: That's me too. Bean burrito and bean taco. Oh my God, you guys, I don't know what I'm gonna do.[bites into the bean taco]This is so good![laughs and then ugly cries with a mouth full of taco]You guys, I'm just gonna go. I always ruin brunch!

Girls: No, no! Don't go.

Jennifer: You guys are the best friends ever. Listen,[bites into burrito]he's a turd. And he leads me to believe that we really got it going on and then I realize I'm just one of his many stops along booty highway! This taquitos are sheer heaven.[eats some more and more sobbing cries]I just need to hop in my PT Cruiser, put the pedal to the metal and drive fast as I can to screw-somebody-else-ville![eats more taco, cries]Where is that freakin'...[looks over her shoulder]

Girl 2: Jennifer, are you okay?

Jennifer: That looks good. What did you get?

Girl 2: I got 2 chicken enchiladas.

Jennifer: Can I have you're chicken enchiladas, please?[sad]I will totally buy you more!!

[Girl 2 gives Jennifer her plate]

Jennifer: Oh, Robert!, guacamole,[eats taco dipped in guacamole]salsa, Robert?! Taquitos![cries ans eats, mouth full]

[Suspense music, shot of girls disturbed, uncomfortable faces]

Jennifer: Flautas, Robert![eats and ugly cries] Pinot Grigio, Robert![eats and ugly cries]Beans! Oh my God!, guys. [mouth full of food]I'm sorry, I'm a mess! Listen, I'll be right back. Can somebody be a a hero and order me a margarita and 2 more beef tacos?[Gets up and leaves]

Girl 1: Guys, can I just say, why is Jennifer such a wreck?

Girl 2: Oh my God, you guys known her for like 6 months, you guys and its always the same thing.

Shelley: You guys, I'm beginning to think Robert doesn't even exist.

Girl 1: This is really mean but....should we just leave?

Girl 2: Yeah.

[The 3 girls get up and leave. Jennifer comes back and sits back down]

Jennifer: Oh, they're all probably outside having a smoke. [eats chip and cries]

[Romantic music plays, man dressed like a member of the 60's group The Monkees appears. Moe's haircut, 60's attire, glasses]

Jennifer: Robert?!

[nasal voice]

Robert: Jennifeeer!

Jennifer: Robert, you get my messages?

Robert: Of course I did.

Jennifer: You're not cross with me, are you?[bites taco]

Robert: Oh, silly child.[sits next to Jennifer]I live for your messages.

Jennifer: Robert, your the best. The best but I'm such a mess.[hugs Robert]

Robert: Sshhhh, shhhh[kisses Jennifer passionately, tongue and all]

[The 3 girls look down at Jennifer's happy ending and smile from the baranda of a little balcony on the cantina restaurant]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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