Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

Swimming Lesson

Doug Frangelo....John C. Reilly
Terry James....Will Forte
Guy on the bench....Andy Samberg

[Opens with a guy in a red cap,goggles and a robe on a public swimming pool. There's a guy on a bench toweling off]

Terry James: Excuse me. I'm looking for Doug Frangelo. I'm supposed to get a swimming lesson from him and he's supposedly the best in the world. Do you know where I can find him?

: Let's see....

[A blond, moustached guy appears wearing nothing but a blue speedo and yellow sort of girdle-life jacket, yellow wristbands. He is out of shape but he shows off and stretches anyway]

Terry James: Never mind. I think I just found him. Dough Frangelo?

Doug Frangelo: Who wants to know?

Terry James: I'm Terry James. We talked on the phone.

Doug Frangelo: Oh, yeah. You're the guy who wants to go for the gold in Beijing.

Terry James: I know. It's crazy, right? An average Joe with no swimming experience wants to compete in the Olympics. What have I been smoking, right?

Doug Frangelo: You've been smoking dream dust. And Doug Frangelo is about to turn it into reality dust. Ok? So are you ready to go? Ok, let's take off that robe. You heard me.

Terry James: I got to be honest, Doug. I'm a little intimidated. I mean, my God! Look at your body.

[Doug shows off his flabby physique, stretching, bending]

Doug Frangelo: It really is something, isn't it? Now drop that robe.

[Terry disrobes, he is slimmer than Doug but soft too. Multicolor speedo, Doug examines Terry's body and pats him in the ass]

Doug Frangelo: You have a great, great, great body for swimming!

Terry James: I'm sure you say that to everyone.

Doug Frangelo: No, I don't. I have never, ever said that to anyone. Except for my wife. 1948 gold medalist, Greta Anderson.

Terry James: 1948? That's quite an age difference.

Doug Frangelo: Age is just a number. Besides, the most important number in our relationship is 69. You know what I'm getting at?

Terry James: I think so.

Doug Frangelo: You know that term, "If there's grass on the field then play ball".

Terry James: Sure.

Doug Frangelo: Well, there's still grass on that field and I intend to play ball until the person that that grass is on is dead.

Terry James: Good for you.

Doug Frangelo: Now, let's get you strapped in.

Terry James: Strapped in?

Doug Frangelo: Are you questioning me?

Terry James: No.

Doug Frangelo: Strap in!!

[Terry turns around and puts his back pressed tight against Doug's chest. Doug straps him in to his girdle and locks Terry's wrists to his yellow wristbands]

Doug Frangelo: Now, let's walk it out a little bit, let's walk out. Just move a little.[They walk around the edge of the pool together]Let me get to know your muscles. All right. I like what I'm feeling. Do you like what you're feeling?

Terry James: I guess.

Doug Frangelo: Ok, buddy. You ready to do some swimming?

Terry James: Sure.

Doug Frangelo: This is called the crawl stroke. AKA freestyle. Get to know it. This is gonna be your best friend. All right, there you.[They move their strapped in arms as if swimming freestyle together]Um, yes. Good job. He likes you.

Terry James: Who likes me?

Doug Frangelo: The crawl stroke. Oh, yeah. Right there. Good swing.

Terry James: Don't we need to get into the pool?

Doug Frangelo: No, no. Before I take a ship out to sea I like to dry-dock it for a little bit and check out the hull. Ok, let's shift to butterfly, ok? The motion of the butterfly in like shutting your car trunk. So, let's go! Shut that car trunk.[They make the motion of the butterfly together] Wham! Yeah! Shut that car trunk![motion of the butterfly],shut that car trunk![motion of the butterfly],shut that car trunk![motion of the butterfly] Yeah, you're doing great. Hey, did a little butterfly just fly into the room and attached himself to me? Seriously, you're doing great! If the swimming thing doesn't pan out I think you can make a fortune as a car trunk shutter! Yeah, now before we move on to the next stroke....give me a second I just gotta adjust my penis.

Terry James:[Terry wiggles around]Wait, wait, wait.

Doug Frangelo: Listen, buddy.[on his ear] Thanks for the assist.

Terry James: I just...I don't know if this is working out, I thought I was gonna get more pool time than this.

Doug Frangelo: Terry, you'll get plenty of pool time after you mastered the land fundamentals.

Terry James: And when will that be?

Doug Frangelo: Like 2 or 3 years tops.

Terry James: Ok, that's it. I quit!

Doug Frangelo: Nobody is quitting on my watch!

Terry James: Let me go!

[Grunting and panting, they struggle, Doug from behind tries to overpower Terry]

Doug Frangelo: Come here you! Hold on! If you fight is going to get tighter, it's like a Gordian knot![Terry is losing strenght]There you go. Is the fight out of you yet?!![Terry is spread eagle while standing up against Doug body]You know who you remind me of right now?

Terry James: Who?

Doug Frangelo: Amanda Beard. She thought land training was stupid too until it landed her a gold medal.

Terry James: You trained Amanda Beard?

Doug Frangelo: No, no. You ready to do this?

Terry James: Let's DO IT!!!

Announcer: [caption scrolls up the screen] Thus began the first leg of the greatest story in swimming history.[Doug and Terry do bunny rabbit jumps together across the screen]Exactly one year later, Terry finally hit the pool where he sank immediately and lapsed into a coma. But 40 years after that[Doug and Terry backwards swimming across the screen]Terry came out of that coma resumed his training and took the gold medal at the 2048 Coma Survivors Olympics in---you guessed it-Tel Aviv.[Doug and Terry one leg and one arm up and down across the screen]By the way, in the future, the gold and bronze medals swapped places and the gold signified a third place finish.[Doug and Terry do the robot across the screen]But Terry never said first place, he said gold! Were you paying attention?


[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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