Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 4





06d: Hugh Laurie / Beck

Advance Man

Concierge.....Kristen Wiig
Mr. Smythe-Pennington.....Hugh Laurie

[ open on exterior, Waldorf-Astoria Hotel ]

[ fade to interior, main lobby, as Concierge greets Mr. Smythe-Pennington ]

Concierge: Mr. Smythe-Pennington?

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: How do you do?

Concierge: I cannot tell you how excited we are to have the Queen staying here!

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Well, only half as happy as her Majesty is to be staying here, I'm sure.

Concierge: Now, you are - and I hope I'm saying this right - an equerry?

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Yes. I arrive a day before the Queen, just to make sure that everything will be to her liking. Now, did you get my fax of requests?

Concierge: Yes. And I am happy to say that we just finished the last of it. Um - every light bulb in her suite has been replaced with a 40-watt bulb.. uh, the soaps you have sent are unwrapped and in the bathroom.. and we have just hung the last of the Renoir prints.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Her Majesty thanks you. Now, if I may - um. [ pulls Concierge aside, privately ] I do have a few final requests, regarding the Queen's more.. unique quirks and piccadillos.

Concierge: I promise you - there's nothing we won't do to make Your Majesty's stay comfortable.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Excellent! Now, the reason I don't include the following requests in the fax is that they require and added layer of discretion. Am I understood?

Concierge: Yes. Of course.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: [ attempts to put his glasses on, but the left arm won't cooperate in going properly over his left ear ] Fortunately, they're just an affectation. [ audience cracks up ] Excellent! Well, firstly, uh - please remove all sheets, and replace them with rubber sheets.

Concierge: R-rubber sheets?

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Yes. Do you think you can find some?

Concierge: Um.. yes. Of course. Of course.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Good. Now, the Queen may have one or two friends over --

Concierge: Of course.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: -- so, please procure forty bottles of Belvedere vodka.. and place them on every flat surface in the room, with the cap half-twisted off. Make sure there is no distance greater than eight meters between bottles.

Concierge: I'm gonna write this down.. [ grabs a pad and pen ]

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Do you have mini-refrigerators?

Concierge: Uh - that, we have.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Excellent! We'll put the mini-refrigerator in a separate room. Fill that room with other mini-pieces of furniture, like.. mini-tables.. mini-chairs.

Concierge: [ writing ] I'm sorry. I don't understand.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Well, after a long day of appearances, Her Majesty likes to unwind by pretending she is a giant. And will go to that room to smash things. When you hear the smashing, send two hotel security guards to the room. Make sure they are midgets. When the Queen answers the door, have the midgets run away, screaming, "Oh, no! It's the giant, Glombo! Run, run!"

Concierge: Okay! [ chuckles ]

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: At no point is anyone in your staff to make direct eye contact with the Queen.

Concierge: I will let them know.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: She prefers, instead, that they make direct eye contact with her breasts. And, when addressing her, begin every sentence with the words "Homina, homina!"

Concierge: "Homina, homina?"

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Her Majesty will also accept: "Owww-oooooga!"

Concierge: Got it.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Now, Her Majesty loves American TV.

Concierge: Great!

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Uh, but she deplores American accents. So you need to hire British actors to re-record the dialogue for all shows on TV each night.

Concierge: Uh, what shows does she watch?

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: She flips around.

Concierge: We have over sixty channels.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: And yet, there is only one Queen, and so many hotels to choose from.

Concierge: Understood.

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Please screw in two hooks to the ceiling above the shower. Each should be able to sustain the weight of a two-hundred pound man.

Concierge: [ confused ] Hooks?

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: And I do believe that is it.

Concierge: I hope you don't mind my asking, but do you have to do this at every hotel?

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Everywhere except France, where most of it is there already.

Concierge: Well, we are very excited!

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Thank you. Oh, and one other thing: Her Majesty does not trust safes. So she keeps all her valuables.. in the toilet.

Concierge: And what - what do I need to do about that?

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: [ hands money to her ] Well, you need to take this four-hundred pounds, and keep it, with my apology, to whoever cleans out the safe.

Concierge: [ understood ] I see.. okay.. yes..

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: But, most importantly, just remember - she's a regular person, just like anyone else. [ smiles ]

Concierge: Great. Will you be here when she arrives?

Mr. Smythe-Pennington: Absolutely not. Good day. [ exits, leaving Concierge greatly confused ]

[ fade ]


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