Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 4







06d: Hugh Laurie / Beck

American Medical Association

Doctor.....Will Forte
Nurse.....Maya Rudolph
Dallas Rivers.....Kenan Thompson
Mrs. Rivers.....Hugh Laurie

[ open on exterior, Emergency Hospital voices in the background ]

[ dissolve to the emergency room, where Dallas Rivers and his wife chatter as the Doctor enters ]

Doctor: Mr. Dallas Rivers?

Dallas Rivers: [ glares at the Doctor ] Who wants to know?

Doctor: Me. Uh.. I'm the attending Doctor.

Mrs. Rivers: [ as she files her scraggly nails ] Baby, you don't have to tell them your name!

Doctor: Well.. it's on your chart here.

Dallas Rivers: So?!

Doctor: So.. it looks like your leg is broken.

Dallas Rivers: Oh, it is, huh? And who told you that?

Mrs. Rivers: Yeah! Who told you that!

Doctor: Well, I've seen many of these before, I'm, uh.. I'm a doctor.

Mrs. Rivers: Uh -- doc-tor!

Dallas Rivers: Uh, yeah. Well, here you go! [ whips out his wallet, fans his cash ] Here you go! Take it all right now! There it is, there you go!

Mrs. Rivers: Yeah! Take it ALL!

Doctor: Sir, I don't know what kind of doctors you've had in the past, but I'm the resident Doctor.

Dallas Rivers: Oh, yeah? Well, let me ask you something.

Mrs. Rivers: Ask him something!

Dallas Rivers: [ sighs ] Why do you call what you do.. a practice?

Mrs. Rivers: Because.. they're just practicing.

Dallas Rivers: Mmm-hmm! Mmm hmm hmm! [ they twiddle their fingers together ]

Mrs. Rivers: Oh! Oh, oh ohh! [ laughs ]

Dallas Rivers: You damn right, baby. [ to Doctor ] You know what? Call me when you ready to stop practicing, and do this for real. [ turns back to his wife ] Anyway, as I was sayin' --

Doctor: Okay, what I need is --

[ the Nurse enters ]

Nurse: Mr. Rivers, if we could just get your address and Social Security Number..

Dallas Rivers: Ohh! Here we go. Time to put me in the SYSTEM!!

Mrs. Rivers: He didn't do NOTHIN'!!

Dallas Rivers: Ah, it's ON, now! First they get your SOCIAL! Then, the next thing you know, there's gonna be a strange black VAN parked on the corner of my block, and the Girl Scout cookie girl's gonna put a LIST'NIN' device in my SA-MO-AS!!

Mrs. Rivers: Baby, don't buy dem cookies!

Dallas Rivers: I WON'T!! I won't NEVER BUY THOSE COOKIES!!!

[ the Doctor and Nurse are dumbstruck ]

Nurse: Fine. It's your leg.

Mrs. Rivers: No! It's your leg!

[ Dallas Rivers and his Wife laugh, and twiddle their fingers once more ]

Nurse: And who are you, Sir?

Mrs. Rivers: [ with great offense ] Sir?! I'm his wife!

[ the Nurse and Doctor look at one another with great confusion ]

Doctor: Mr. Rivers, I'm trying to help you, alright? We just need to get you X-rayed.

Dallas Rivers: Oh, no! Nuh uh uh uh! You're not gonna be shootin' ME up with the voo-doo! I had one of your X-rays before, and you know what happened?

Mrs. Rivers: We can't get pregnant.

Dallas Rivers: We.. can't.. get.. pregnant! It's a TRAGEDY!!

Mrs. Rivers: Mmm-hmm.

Doctor: Okay, I'll tell you what. Why don't you just calm down.. I'm gonna give you 20ccs of Demerol.

Dallas Rivers: Oh, no no no no no!! You are not!! I know what this is!! TUSK-EE-GEE!!

Dallas & Mrs. Rivers: [ together ] TUSK-EE-GEE!! TUSK-EE-GEE!!

Dallas Rivers: Look, man! Jusy get me six beers and a pint of Brass monkey, and let me up outta here!

Mrs. Rivers: Yeah. Let 'im OUTTA here!!

Doctor: Okay, I can't do that, you need medical attention.

Dallas Rivers: No, I don't! Man, you know what I'm about to do is raise up right outta here right now, you know what I'm sayin'? C'mon, baby, let's get outta here, this ain't no hospital --

[ Dallas Rivers jumps to his feet and crashes facedown to the floor ]

Dallas Rivers: Agghhhh!!! Baby, my LEG IS BROKEN!!!

Mrs. Rivers: [ climbs on top of the bed ] Baby, no!

Dallas Rivers: I NEED A DOCTOR!! I NEED A DOCTOR!!

Mrs. Rivers: Oh, Sweetheart..

Dallas Rivers: OH, DOCTOR!! THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE!!

[ the Doctor and Nurse help Dallas Rivers into the hall, as Mrs. Rivers lingers behind. She pulls down her hiking miniskirt, as background music pots up. ]

Mrs. Rivers: Medicine.. is a noble science. Yet, every year, thousands of people deny themselves proper medical care because.. they don't trust doctors. [ shrugs ] Maybe they're crazy, maybe they're ignorant. Or maybe their actual doctors just don't measure up to the.. brilliant, the devestatingly handsome doctors that they see on television. [ she smiles up at the sky ] Whatever the reason, please trust your Doctor. Thank you!

[ Mrs. Rivers exits the room ]

[ dissolve to title card: "Brought to you by the American Medical Association" ]

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts