Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 4







06d: Hugh Laurie / Beck

The Curse of Frankenstein

Head Villager.....Hugh Laurie
Frankenstein's Monster.....Bill Hader
Villager #1.....Amy Poehler
Villager #2.....Kristen Wiig
Villager #3.....Fred Armisen
Dracula.....Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: [ over title graphic ] We now return to The Late Night Movie: "The Curse of Frankenstein." They still do these late night movie things, right?

[ dissolve to exterior, Frankenstein's castle ]

[ dissolve to stock footage, villagers running through the night with torches ablaze ]

[ cut to exterior, main door of Frankenstein's castle, as the villagers scream with a collective force ]

Head Villager: Hold it, everyone! He's right in there! Dr. Frankenstein! Give us your answer!

[ the villagers begin screaming again, as Frankenstein's Monster steps through the door ]

Villager !: There he is! The Monster!

Frankenstein's Monster: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, oh!! You guys looking for Frankenstein?

Crowd: YES!!!!

Frankenstein's Monster: [ holds up his stitched hands ] You guys got the wrong house?

Head Villager: What do you mean, we got the wrong house?

Villager #1: YEAH?!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!!

Frankenstein's Monster: SHUT UP!! [ they silence ] You got the wrong house! Frankenstein lives, uh -- [ points behind the villagers ] Yeah, he lives over there. Across the moor.

Head Villager: Across the moor?

Frankenstein's Monster: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! It's, uh - a big castle.. uh, it's got those, uh -- [ snaps fingers ] oh, what do you call it, those white trees out front, uh --

Head Villager: You mean birch trees?

Frankenstein's Monster: Yeah. Whatever.

Head Villager: [ embarrassed ] Well. Sorry about that.

[ Frankenstein's Monster shrugs vacantly ]

Head Villager: WRONG HOUSE!! ACROSS THE MOOR!!

[ the villagers run back in the opposite directino from which they came ]

[ stock footage of villagers running through the night ]

[ cut to villagers standing at Dracula's door ]

Dracula: He said what?! I'm Frankenstein?! [ chuckles, as he files his fingernails ] I'm sorry, guys - I think someone's messin' with ya'. I'm Dracula! See? [ shows off his outfit ] Cape. Fangs. Widow's peak. Frankenstein's, uh.. way back that way. [ points back in the direction the villagers just came from ] Across the moor.

Head Villager: Back that way? We just came from there. He said Frankenstein lives here!

Villager #1: Yeah!

Villager #2: Yeah, he said Frankenstein lives HERE!!

[ all the villagers join in the chorus ]

Dracula: Hold on, hold on, hold on - what did this guy look like?

Villager #1: He was TALL!

Dracula: Right, right, okay - what else?

Villager #2: He had BOLTS in his neck!

Dracula: Uh-huh. What else?

Villager #3: He was gree-ee-ee-eennnn!

Dracula: Okay. Tall guy, green, bolts in his neck - yeah, I hate to break it to you, but that's Frankenstein!

Head Villager: Okay.. well, alright. I believe we've made a bit of a mistake. Sorry to trouble you! [ to the villagers ] Across the moor!!

Crowd: ACROSS THE MOOR!!

[ the villagers run back in the opposite direction from which they came ]

[ stock footage of villagers running through the night ]

[ cut to villagers standing at Frankenstein's door ]

Frankenstein's Monster: Well, uh.. he's a li-ar! That's what!

Head Villager: Well.. what about the bolts in your neck?

Frankenstein's Monster: Oh, great, thanks a lot! I almost forgot about that spinal injury I had when I was four-years old! Thanks for bringing back those rosy memories! Hey - my dog died last year, why don't you make a few jokes about that?!

Villager #1: He's a mon-sterrrr!!

[ all the villagers join in the chorus ]

Frankenstein's Monster: Hey, now we're name-calling! What am I, in the 7th grade, all of a sudden! Well, you know what? You're all a bunch of dicks! How do you like that?

Head Villager: Well, how do we know you're not Frankenstein's Monster?

Frankenstein's Monster: How do I know you're not Frankenstein's Monster, you freakin' genius?! I mean -- [ glances at villager stepping too close with a lit torch ] Hey, dude - get that fire away from me. Alright? [ to ?? ] I mean, you could be a monster, you know? You got the weird hat, the patchy beard - you know? I mean, you look like a monster to me!

Villager #1: [ to Head Villager ] Well, maybe you're the monster!

[ all the villagers join in the chorus ]

Head Villager: [ shakes his head ] I'm not the monster! [ points to Frankenstein's Monster ] Look at 'im! He's got a square head and green skin!

Frankenstein's Monster: Oh, great - now it's a racial thing! You know what? You guys are a bunch of fascists! [ villager with a lit torch again step too close ] Seriously, du-ude! Get that fire away from me! [ to the crowd ] Here's the deal: I'm a cobbler. I make shoes, and I hang out with my kids. You want to lynch me for that - be my guest!

Head Villager: Well, I'm sorry. We - we shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. We'll leave you alone.

Frankenstein's Monster: Uh - how about, apology not accepted, Weird Beard! I mean, let a guy live his life, would you? You know what I mean? I mean, it -- [ his arm siddenly falls off and hits the stone steps ] Uhhhhhh --

Crowd: KILL HIM!!!

[ the villagers storm forward ]

[ cut to title graphic ]

Announcer: We'll be back with more of The Late Night Movie. I swear they haven't done these things in, like, twenty years..

[ fade ]


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