Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 4

06d: Hugh Laurie / Beck

Linder & Bowles

Linder.....Fred Armisen
Bowles.....Hugh Laurie
Rebecca.....Amy Poehler

[Opens with shot of fancy buildings on a metropolitan city. Cut to an office. Linder & Bowles conduct a job interview. Bowles sits behind a desk reading a resume, Linder casually sits on top of the desk. Attractive blond businesswoman sits in front of them]

Bowles: Your resume looks great, Rebecca.

Linder: Oh, yeah. You are more than qualified.

Rebecca: Thank you. I'm just happy to be considered.

Linder: You should be. Linder & Bowles its the largest, most powerful full service law firm in Connecticut.

Rebecca: Oh, I know.

Bowles: So it says here that you went to Columbia?

Rebecca: I studied economics, yes.

Linder: Economics, mmmm.

Bowles: Then you moved to Illinois. Where were you?

Rebecca: Schaumberg.

Bowles: Mmmm. Sounds fancy.

Rebecca: It was ok. I was just working for an insurance company.

Bowles: Oh, really? What did you do there?

Rebecca: Legal assistant.

Linder: Legal assistant? Oooooooeeeeeoooohh!!!!

Bowles: Legal assistant.

Rebecca: Yeah, my duties were answering phones and filing.

Linder: Oooooeeeeeooooohh!!!

Rebecca: It wasn't a big deal. Just secretarial stuff.

Bowles: Ooooooeeeeeooooohh!!!! Now tell us, what qualifications you feel you'll bring to our firm?

Rebecca: Well, let's see. I'm bright.

Linder & Bowles: Oooooooeeeeeoooohh!!!!

Rebecca: And I'm a quick study.

Linder & Bowles: Ooooooeeeeeoooohh!!!

Rebecca: I'm a people person.

Linder & Bowles: Ooooooeeeeeooooohh!!!

Rebecca: I'm focused.

Linder & Bowles: Ooooooeeeeoooohh!!!

Rebecca: Oh, lets see. What else? Oh, yeah. I'm punctual.

Linder & Bowles: Oooooeeeeoooohh!!!

Rebecca: Conscientious.

Linder & Bowles: Ooooooeeeeeooooohh!!!

Rebecca: Good with clients.

Linder & Bowles: Oooooooeeeeoooohh!!!

Rebecca: I listen---

Linder & Bowles: Oooooeeeooooohh!!!

Rebecca: ---and ok, that's it. That's it.

Bowles: That's it? Come on, Rebecca. Just tell us one more positive thing about yourself.

Rebecca: One more thing?

Linder: Yes, please.

Rebecca: Umm...[Linder & Bowles eagerly wait for it, mouths puckered for their childish "Oooooeeeooohh!!"] I really don't mind working long----

Linder & Bowles: Oooooooeeeeooooohh!!!

Rebecca: ---hours.

Linder & Bowles: Oooooeeeoooohh!!!

Rebecca: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That, that thing that you're doing.

Linder: What's that?

Rebecca: That "Ooooooeeeeoooohh!!!" Is that a good thing?

Linder: Yes, yeah.

Rebecca: Oh, ok. Great, so I guess---

[Phone rings]

Bowles: Excuse me.[picks up]This is Bowles. Oooooooeeeeooooohh!!! Oooooooeeeeooohh!! Indictment. Oooooeeeeeeoooooohh!!! Ok, I'll put him on.[passes phone to Linder]

Linder: Howard Linder. What?! Oooooooeeeeeeooooohh!! Ok. Bye-bye.[hangs up]

Bowles: Well....

Rebecca: Ok, well...

Bowles: You're hired. Welcome to Linder & Bowles.

Rebecca: Oh, my God! I'm gonna be working at Linder & Bowles! Oooooooeeeeeooooohh!!

[It goes horribly wrong]

Linder: I'm sorry, what was that?

Rebecca: Ooooooeeeoooohh!! You know, oooeeeooohh.

Bowles: Are you being sarcastic?

Linder: Yeah, it sounds like you're making fun of us or something.

Rebecca: No, no,no, I was just excited, ooohhh.

Bowles: You know, Rebecca. I think we are going to have to do a little more thinking on this. I'm sorry.

Rebecca: Oh, wow, ok, me too.

Linder: Just get out. Go! Get out! yeah, get out. Walk! There you go.

[Stunned Rebecca gets up and leaves]

Rebecca: I know how to walk.

Linder: There you go. Well, that's a shame.

Bowles: Damn shame.

Linder: What are you doing for lunch?

Bowles: How about Casa Mexicana?

Linder & Bowles: Ooooooooeeeeeeoooooohh!!!!

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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