Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 4


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06d: Hugh Laurie / Beck

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

... Amy Poehler
... Seth Meyers
Tim Calhoun ... Will Forte
Same Sex Man 1 ... Fred Armisen
Same Sex Man 2... Bill Hader

Announcer: Weekend Update with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers!

Seth Meyers: I'm Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: I'm Amy Poehler, and here are tonight's top stories:

The White House announced, this week, that President Bush will no longer use the phrase, "Stay the course" when speaking about the Iraq War. Preferring, instead, to use the phrase, "Think outside the bun!"

President Bush signed a bill, Thursday, authorizing 700 miles of new fencing along the U.S./Mexico border. Which will be great until our frisbee ends up over there.

U.S. officials said, on Tuesday, that Iraqi leaders agreed to develop a time table by the end of the year for progress stablizing Iraq. So there you have it. There's now a time table for establishing a time table. Welcome home, boys!

Seth Meyers: Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton said it is great that Senator Barrack Obama is thinking about also running, adding "I think it's great that anybody thinks about doing what they want to do in the future. It's great. Great, great, great! So frickin' great! Aw, I'm so screwed!

Many say that London has replaced New York city as the world's undisputed financial capital. Hear that terrorists? The world's undisputed financial capital is London!

Amy Poehler: We are just about a week away from what is the most anticipated mid-term elections in years. Here, to discuss his campaign, is Senator Tim Calhoun.

[Tim Calhoun wheels over, looking scared, and starts talking by his note cards, with no emotion]

Tim Calhoun: I am Tim Calhoun, and I am running for Senator of America. I am perfect to represent America, because like America, I am heavily in debt, I am about 10 percent gay, and I have a really bad gas problem. I have touched many pages in my life, because I am a veracious reader, of child pornography studies. Illustrated studies. Everyone wants to know if Kim Jong Il has a nuclear bomb. Am I the only one who wants to know if he has a twin sister that looks exactly like him? Because lookswise, that's my type. Here are proposals: I propose a harsh 20-strike law for criminals. After 20 strikes, the criminals only get 3 more strikes. But, after 3 strikes, that's it. One more strike. I'm glad Pluto is now a dwarf planet. It's about time we had a planet to send those little bee holes to. I propose that we make Jupiter a Mexico planet. In conclusion, and in summary, my name is Tim Calhoun, and I do not approve this message.

Amy Poehler: Tim Calhoun, everyone!

Seth Meyers: A new study shows that the Freshman 15 weight gain is actually closer to 5 to 7 pounds, as kids are now much better at getting super-fat in grade school.

Seattle's new tour slogan is "Welcome to Metronatural", which replaces their old slogan, "Drummer wanted".

Amy Poehler: A referendum to widen the Panama canal was approved Sunday, though voters are skeptical about the government's plan to widen the canal using an enormous speculum. Said the cheif engineer, "Okay, Panama Canal, just lie back, relax, put your feet up. You're gonna feel something cold, and a little bit of pressure, and... I'm in. So, are you having a nice fall?

Federal agents broke up a Colorado drug reign, this week, that shipped methanfedamine hidden inside an Elmo doll. Police were informed when someone tried to tickle Elmo, and he shot them 36 times.

Seth Meyers: The current issue of NewScientist magazine reports that researchers have identified a rare medical condition, where sufferers unknowingly demand or actually have sex while asleep.

[Amy Poehler rides over to him snoring]

Seth Meyers: Oh, boy.

[Seth gets a blowhorn out and ignites it]

Amy Poehler: Oh! Wow! Sorry! Sorry! Was it good for you, did I blow your mind? Excellent.

Seth Meyers: It was reported that Shaquille O'Neal was present last month during a botched child pornography raid, while working as reserved sherriff's deputy in Virginia. Police now believe the purps had been tipped off by the famous 7-foot-2 black dude selling stupid jokes in a bush.

Amy Poehler: The winner of New York's annual Vendy award, which honors the best food cart in the city, was Sammy's Halaul in Queens, while the last place finisher once again was Mario's under-cooked chicken sticks in the Holland tunnel.

Seth Meyers: The New Jersey Supreme Court ruled, Wednesday, that gay-lesbian partners deserve the same rights as married couples. Here to comment, a same-sex couple from Jersey.

[The same-sex couple scoots over]

Same Sex Man #1: Oh!

Same Sex Man #2: Oh!

Same Sex Man #1: Hello, Seth and Amy!

Both: Oh!

Seth Meyers: So, how exactly does this ruling effect you two personally?

Same Sex Man #1: Basically, it means should anything happen to me, this beautiful son of a bitch, over here, will be entitled to my benefits. Which should keep in in track suits and change him well into his golden years!

Same Sex Man #2: And vica versa! Oh!

Same Sex Man #1: Oh!

Both: Oh!

Seth Meyers: Now, critics are saying that the courts may have over-stepped by legalizing gay marriage.

Same Sex Man #2: First off, it's a civil union, but that doesn't mean it won't be one hell of a wedding!

Same Sex Man #1: Do Chang Cobanna Mesh Tuxedo!

Same Sex Man #2: Oh!

Same Sex Man #1: Como down sculpture ice!

Same Sex Man #2: Oh!

Same Sex Man #1: A selection of fine Italian meat!

Both: Oh!

Amy Poehler: So, um, how did you guys meet?

Same Sex Man #1: Well, it goes like this. One day, I saw Vinnie, over here, pounding some Jomoc in the face! I thought "I wish that was my face!" I wish those fists were tiny little kisses.

[both look at each other passionately]

Same Sex Man #1: Oh.

Same Sex Man #2: Oh.

Same Sex Man #1: Oh.

Seth Meyers: Oh, you know what? Um, you guys have aŚ Guys? Guys? Any final words?

Same Sex Man #1: Just this: Gay people, I know you're afraid, but it's time to commit!

Same Sex Man #2: To move to New Jersey!

Both: Ohhhh!!!

Seth Meyers: The same-sex couple from New Jersey! Great Job!

Amy Poehler: Very nice!

It was reported that according to the birth certificate filed Tuesday, Britney Spear's new born, is a boy named Jayden James Federline, as in "Jayden James Federline, you have the right to remain silent!"

Seth Meyers: This week, New Jersey's gay marriage ruling was celebrated across the country, including St. Louis... Oh.
[Super reveals the catcher and pitcher of the St. Louis Baseball team hugging]

Seth Meyers: According to it's developer, the Bionic Dolphin, a new vehicle that can take passengers beneath the water, revolve 360 degrees, and stand upright, like a dolphin, may be released as early as next year. It's the perfect gift for anyone who has ever dreamed of drowning to death inside of a mechical dolphin.

Seth Meyers: From Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: I'm Amy Poehler!

Both: Goodnight!

[both of them take out cigars and put them in their mouths, as the music starts up and fades]


Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin


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