Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 5


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:











Guest Writers:


November 11th, 2006

Alec Baldwin

Christina Aguilera

None

Tina Fey

Tracy Morgan

Steve Martin

Martin Short

Paul McCartney

Tony Bennett

Jim Cashman

A Message from the Speaker-Elect of the U.S. House of Representatives
Summary: Speaker-elect Nancy Pelosi's (Kristen Wiig) speech on the virtues of the Democratic Party are interrupted by an S&M-clad aide (Will Forte) and his friend, the human ash tray (Fred Armisen), enter her office.

Recurring Characters: Nancy Pelosi.

Transcript


Montage


Alec Baldwin's Monologue
Summary: To plug his soaring value at NBC, Alec Baldwin brings out "30 Rock" co-stars Tina Fey and Tracy Morgan.

First Hosted: 89r.


E-Z Date.com
Summary: Entrepreneuer Cal Brandeis (Jason Sudeikis) acts as virtual pimp for a new dating service that will discreetly deliver a "date" to your door within minutes of registering online.

Note: This commercial parody finally makes it to air after being cut from several episodes this season.


Britney's Divorce
Summary: Britney Spears (Amy Poehler) discusses divorce proceedings with her lawyer (Jason Sudeikis).

Recurring Characters: Britney Spears.


Saddam's Defense Team
Summary: Saddam Hussein (Alec Baldwin) berates his lawyers (Bill Hader, Fred Armisen) after being sentenced to death by hanging.

Recurring Characters: Saddam Hussein.

Transcript


Valtrex
Summary: Husband (Alec Baldwin) convinces his wife (Amy Poehler) that genital herpes can lie dormant for years before exposing itself.

Transcript


Morning Drive
Summary: Coworkers (Kristin Wiig, Alec Baldwin) form a carpool to save money on their commute to work, but keep offending one another while making idle chit chat during their morning drive.

Transcript


TV Funhouse
Summary: Hot dog-eating champion "Kobayashi!" stars as a superhero in a live-action/anime kids program in a cartoon by Rob Smigel.


Platinum Lounge
Summary: In between sketches, Alec Baldwin stops for a drink at Studio 8-H's exclusive Platinum Lounge for 12-time hosts, where he continues his rivalry with 14-time host Steve Martin.

Transcript


Christina Aguilera performs "Ain't No Other Man"
First Performed: 99p.

Lyrics


Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
Summary: Seth Meyers conducts an exclusive interview with Donald Rumsfeld (Darrell Hammond), as a disgruntled mover (Kenan Thompson) packs the departing secretary's office. Amy Poehler reveals that she uses Good-and-Plentys as birth control pills. Amy Poehler's dizzy aunt Linda (Kristen Wiig) reviews recent holiday movies. Waiter Derek Landerton (Andy Samberg) incorrectly totals up the $10,000 bill from Tom Cruise's recent dinner with Katie Holmes.

Recurring Characters: Donald Rumsfeld.


The Tony Bennett Show
Summary: Tony Bennett's (Alec Baldwin) special guest, Bob Dylan, couldn't make it, but neither is Kevin Federline (Andy Samberg) going to stick around. Instead, Tony welcomes doppleganger Anthony Dominick Benedetto (Tony Bennett) for a duet.

Recurring Characters: Tony Bennett.

Bio: Tony Bennett (1926-). Singer; real name: Anthony Dominick Benedetto; crooner of pop tune standards since the early 1950's; charted hits include: "Rags to Riches" (1953), "I Left My Heart in San Francisco" (1962); slowly hit rock bottom during the 1970's, when his musical style waned in popularity; later made a huge comeback by playing to younger audiences, including an appearance on "MTV Unplugged" in 1994; awarded the Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award in 2001.

Transcript


Brazilian Bar
Summary: Rick Corman (Alec Baldwin) hits on women as bossa nova singers (Maya Rudolph, Fred Armisen) perform.

Transcript


Christina Aguilera performs "Hurt"
Lyrics


A Moment with the Out-of-Breath Jogger from 1992
Summary: In 1992, an exhausted jogger (Andy Samberg) continues to spout the era's cliched jargon while panting breathlessly.

Transcript


Tony Bennett & Christina Aguilera perform "Steppin' Out With My Baby"
Lyrics


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Piano Man
Summary: Handicapped piano player (Kenan Thompson) solicits money as he performs.


Tower Records
Summary: Two men (Alec Baldwin, Fred Armisen) find the news that Tower Records is going out of business hard to believe.


Speed Reader
Summary: Speed reader (Will Forte) delights in mischief and murder.


Talk Show
Summary: When a morning show host fails to arrive at the studio, the director (Fred Armisen) is force to perform duties simultaneously.



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