Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 5

06e: Alec Baldwin / Christina Aguilera

Saddam's Defense Team

Saddam Hussein....Alec Baldwin
Lawyer 1....Bill Hader
Lawyer 2....Fred Armisen

[Opens with an outside shot of a jail]

Caption: Baghdad, Iraq. US Controlled Green Zone.

[Cut to inside a cell. Desk, 2 nervous lawyers behind it shuffling papers]

Lawyer 1: How do you think that Saddam's mood will be?

Lawyer 2: He just got sentenced to death. How do you think his mood will be?

Lawyer 1: Oh, boy.

[2 guards escort Saddam into the cell with his lawyers. Saddam sits in front of them.]

Saddam Hussein: First of all. Great job, you guys! You're definitely gonna win lawyer of the year.

Lawyer 1:[nervous]Don't worry, there are grounds for an appeal.

Saddam Hussein: When we appeal would it be possible to get one witness who have something nice to say about me?![slams hand on desk]I feel like a contestant on American Idol and all the witnesses are Simon.

Lawyer 2: It's very difficult to build a defense for you, Saddam.

Saddam Hussein: Really difficult, huh? Let me see if I can do it. Here is one off the top of my dome. I have 50 look-alikes. 50 guys that look just like me! You couldn't put one on the scene, not one? Because that, you idiots, is reasonable doubt. Am I the only one here that watches "Law and Order"? Boy, oh boy! If O.J. had you two for a lawyer he wouldn't be making his tee-off time right now. I can assure you of this.

Lawyer 1: I-I'm sorry, Saddam.

Saddam Hussein: Aaaahh, it's not your fault, totally. I should've kept my cool in the courtroom. I mean, I was in there for like 200 days and I got expelled like 160 times. I was getting kicked out of there more than Vinnie Barbarino got kicked out of Mr. Kotter's class!

Lawyer 2:[confused]Mr. Kotter?

Lawyer 1:[humors Saddam, laughs]Kotter.

Saddam Hussein: Seriously, they are not gonna hang me, are they? I'm like the Sunni Abraham Lincoln. That would start a 200 year blood feud.

Lawyer 1:[serious]They are really gonna hang you.

Lawyer 2: I do have some good news, Saddam.

Saddam Hussein: They caught Osama! Please tell me they caught Osama.

Lawyer 2: They did not catch Osama.

Saddam Hussein: Oh, that is the burn of the century. Although, you gotta hand it to the guy, he hid in a country filled with mountains and caves and me I hid in a me-sized hole. Point Osama.

Lawyer 2: I was going to say that Bush and the republicans lost in the mid-term elections. So there we go...

Saddam Hussein: Oh, thank you. That will be a comforting thought when the rope snaps my neck and I soil myself.

Lawyer 2: I'm sorry, Saddam. I thought it will make you happy.

Saddam Hussein: I'm not even front page news anymore. "Borat" is getting more ink than me. He didn't even kill anybody!!

Lawyer 1: We should start on your defense in the Kurds poison gas case.

Saddam Hussein: Hey, I was going to keep this on the down low but spoiler alert, I did it!!!

Lawyer 1:[tentatively]He did kind of looked like you.

Lawyer 2:[agrees]Yes.

Saddam Hussein: Oh, man. I am old and tired and sad. Let's talk about the Kurds next week.

Lawyer 2: Okay.

Saddam Hussein: And guys,[slams hand on desk, gets up]I don't blame you. I put myself here. Although you should know that I was a little ticked off after the verdict so I made some calls and if I were you I wouldn't start your cars for like a year.

[Lawyers have forced, nervous laughs. Saddam leaves, opens the jail gate, closes it and opens it again]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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