Lesbian Cruise Ship
Captain Ronald Huggins.....Ludacris
1st Woman at Table.....Kristen Wiig
2nd Woman at Table.....Maya Rudolph
[FADE IN on stock footage of a cruise ship at sea. FADE to the lounge, which is full of women dancing and flirting. A large banner reads "Olivia Cruise Lines Welcomes You." PAN across the lounge to the platform, where a woman walks out in a black vest and tan shorts with a butch haircut.]
Arizona: [in a deep voice] Hey-hey-heyyyyyyyyyyyyy, you fabulous women! On behalf of everyone at Olivia Cruise Lines, we'd like to welcome you to your best vacation yet. Who's ready to party?
Arizona: All right, we do want to mention that this is a cruise for lesbians, and if you are on the boat by mistake, don't worry, we don't bite--except for that one gal in the front row. [points] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha... On your first night, there's some great entertainment comin' your way. Indigo Girls will be performing by the west pool.
[women cheer in approval]
Arizona: And after dinner, enjoy a cocktail at Club Scissorbang. First, I want you to all meet our very own leader of the seas, Captain Ronald Huggins.
[She opens the door to admit Captain Huggins onto the steps. He swaggers out, dressed to the teeth, and leers at the women as they applaud politely.]
Captain Huggins: Hello, ladies. Helloooo, ladies. I just want to assure you all that your safety is my utmost priority, all right? If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to call on me. All right? Night or day: here I am, ready to go.
Arizona: Everyone enjoy yourselves!
[The ladies return to mingling.]
Arizona: Thank, thank you, uh, so much, Captain Huggins.
[Ignoring her, he points and grins to a lady in the lounge.]
Captain Huggins: [to Arizona] Oh, oh, please, call me Ronnie, just call me Ronnie.
Arizona: It's really great you're so supportive of other lifestyles. Other captains we've interviewed for our cruises just weren't as enthusiastic as you.
Captain Huggins: [pointing and grinning into crowd] What, are you kidding me? I love it. It used to be, the only place you could see lesbians was on pay-per-view! Y'know what I mean?
Arizona: Right. Well. Okay. I will, uh, let you get back to your captain duties.
Captain Huggins: Oh, there's not a whole lot of wind going on, I'm just gonna mingle for a little while, if that's cool with you.
Arizona: Okay. [turns to leave]
Captain Huggins: Ha, ha. Whooooo!
[Starting down the stairs, he deliberately takes off his captain's hat and coolly tosses it onto the platform. He steps to the nearest table, where two women are calmly sipping their drinks. Captain Huggins squeezes her shoulder.]
1st Woman: Oh! Hi, Captain.
Captain Huggins: How is... everything?
1st Woman: It's great.
Captain Huggins: How 'bout your friend over there, huh?
2nd Woman: Oh, I'm her partner. It's our, uh, fifth anniversary.
Captain Huggins: Good for you. Two ladies being lesbian together for five years! Holy diddly-pie.
2nd Woman: Well. Nice meeting you.
Captain Huggins: Nice meeting you, too. Just pretend I'm not here. Be yourselves. Go ahead and be gay ladies together.
2nd Woman: [stiffly] Thanks.
Captain Huggins: No. No, no, no. Thank you.
1st Woman: Take care.
Captain Huggins: No, you take care... of each other. The way gay ladies do, you know.
[A dance track suddenly starts playing. As women begin to dance, the captain joins in, doing some slow, cheesy moves through the crowd. He stops at a table and picks up a flute of champagne.]
Captain Huggins: I'd like to propose a toast. [raises glass in air]
1st Woman: Um, is he... is he supposed to be drinking?
Captain Huggins: To this day... a ship full of beautiful ladies in their pool skimpies... and me. Ladies who like to be with other ladies.
2nd Woman: Is there a point to this?
Captain Huggins: Kissin', talkin', kanuzzlin', snorkelin' together in their underdrawers... all manner of gay type stuff.
Arizona: [coming out of crowd] Uh, Captain Huggins? Can I talk to you for a second?
Captain Huggins: Uh, yes, Arizona?
[She takes him aside as the audience murmurs with laughter.]
Arizona: You don't think that somethin's gonna happen between you and someone here, do you?
Captain Huggins: [scoffs] Oh, that's crazy talk. [to crowd] Somebody here get this lady a strait-like-it [sic]... please, just get her a straitjacket, right now!
Arizona: 'Cause it's not gonna happen.
Captain Huggins: I know.
Arizona: Do you?
Captain Huggins: Yes.
Captain Huggins: Although I do wonder if maybe some of them are curious about the penis. More specifically, my penis.
Captain Huggins: Or shy, maybe afraid to ask, you know, regarding their distant memory of intercourse.
Captain Huggins: Or perhaps they like to be with ladies first, y'know, like an appetizer, and then they just--
Arizona: Yeah, no.
Captain Huggins: [frustrated] Well, that's what happens in "Lickety Splits 3," man!
Arizona: That's a porno.
Captain Huggins: I thought it was a documentary about y'all's lifestyle! Please, forgive me, forgive me.
Woman's Voice: [over loudspeaker] Hey, ladies: the Water Olympics is about to start at the east pool!
[The ladies coo in anticipation and start to make their way over. Captain Huggins picks up a camcorder off a nearby table.]
Captain Huggins: Ha-ha! I'll be videotaping the whole event! And even though it's shallow... diving is allowed. [pause] If you catch my frisbee, so get it up, girls!
[The captain holds up his hands and begins to back into the crowd. A woman grabs him around the waist and starts dragging him toward the edge of the deck.]
Captain Huggins: Get it up! Hey! Hey, what're you doin'?
[Another woman lifts up his legs, and together they toss him overboard.]
Captain Huggins: [falling] I love me some lesbiaaaaaaaaaaaans...
[Audience applauds as a loud splash is heard. The women high-five each other and return to the crowd. FADE to black.]
Submitted by: Sean