Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 7

06g: Matthew Fox / Tenacious D

Nancy Grace

Nancy Grace....Amy Poehler
Dr. Albert Edwards....Kenan Thompson
Greg Tanner....Matthew Fox

Announcer: This is CNN.

Caption: CNN The most trusted name in news.

[Nancy sits at her desk, background of city buildings at night. She has a black blazer, orange shirt, mushroom hairdo, southern cadence in her tone of voice, holds a pen]

Nancy Grace: O.J. Simpson, Michael Richards and my own legal troubles. This and more tonight on "Nancy Grace".

[Show's introduction montage. Nancy snarls at the camera, Nancy crosses her arms, defiant look on her face]

Caption: Nancy Grace

Nancy Grace: Good evening, I'm Nancy Grace and yes I am wearing upper and lower lashes. Buckle up, everybody. Because as weeks go this one is as full as a deer tick.[Wiggles her pen]Stef! I'm talking with Stef my producer. Has someone been messing with my lucky show pen? It feels light. Like someone's been using it. Yeah, it's light.[drops pen on desk, disgusted look on her face]Tonight we begin with the ongoing Michael Richards drama. Now for those of you friends living in a cave, TVs Kramer went onstage at the comedy club and then threw a bunch of "n" words around. He had what mother Grace called an "old timey crack-up". Joining now to comment is one the many victims of this outburst. Professor of African American Studies at Morehouse College[Screen splits showing a distinguished black man in a suit and tie, gray hair, glasses]Dr. Albert Edwards. How are you holding up doctor?

[Caption at the bottom of the screen. Breaking News. Headline Prime. Michael Richards Drama. Dr. Albert Edwards African American Studies Morehouse College. Nancy Grace.]

Dr. Albert Edwards: Fine, Nancy. But I should point out that I don't consider myself a victim rather I'm one of the number of African Americans who sees this as an opportunity to open up dialogue on race in America.

Nancy Grace: Hmmm, that's exactly what I would expect a victim to say.[smug look]

Dr. Albert Edwards: Nancy, you understand that I was not at The Laugh Factory?

Nancy Grace: But you heard about it and I know you keep playing it over and over in your mind. And I need to remind you that you are a victim and you need to stop feeling ashamed.

Dr. Albert Edwards: I'm not a victim and I'm not ashamed.

Nancy Grace: Hmmm, that means you're healing. Doctor, I think you should sue Michael Richards.

Dr. Albert Edwards: Well, I'm not going to.

Nancy Grace: I think every black person in America should sue Michael Richards.

Dr. Albert Edwards: Well, that's just not possible.

Nancy Grace: Do you know who else should sue Michael Richards?

Dr. Albert Edwards: No.

Nancy Grace: Michael Richards.

Dr. Albert Edwards: Why would Michael Richards sue Michael Richards?

Nancy Grace: Because he ruined his career. And you know what they would call that case?

Dr. Albert Edwards: What?

Nancy Grace: Kramer vs. Kramer.[smug smile, pleased with her own joke]You get it?

Dr. Albert Edwards: Unfortunately, yes.

Nancy Grace: I like you Dr. Edwards. The only "n" word I would call you is "nice".

[Dr.Edwards squints, thinks about it]

Dr. Albert Edwards: I don't think that sentence came out the way you wanted it to.

Nancy Grace: I think it did. Moving on the Fox Network chose not to air the O.J. Simpson interview where he would've told us how he would have done the murder if he had done the murder. But I do want to show you how I would've reacted if I had watched it. [pretends to flick channel with remote control]Click! What?[crosses her arms]Ugh! Click! Of course those are hypothetical reactions but I think we can agree it would be something pretty close to that.[shakes her pen]Seriously, Stef. This pen is as light as a feather! Someone's been messing with it.[annoyed look]Finally, tonight I would like to address some of the legal issues that I have been dealing with. Joining us is Traffic Violations Officer Greg Tanner. How are you frie-e-end?

[Screen splits, moustached traffic officer is getting miked up. Looks uneasy]

Greg Tanner: Hmmm, I'm good. Am I on TV?

[Caption at the bottom of the screen. Breaking News. Nancy's Legal Issues. Greg Tanner Traffic Violations Officer. Headline Prime. Nancy Grace]

Nancy Grace: Congratulations, you are. Officer, were you just outside the studio giving me a parking ticket?

Greg Tanner: Yes.

Nancy Grace: And why is that?

Greg Tanner: Because you parked in a handicapped parking space.

Nancy Grace: And have I done that before?

Greg Tanner: Pretty much every week, Nancy.

Nancy Grace: Let me ask you this. What am I to do if I pull up to the studio and someone has parked in the Nancy Grace space? Should I just turn my car off and leave it in the middle of the street?

Greg Tanner: No, but you can't park in a handicapped space.

Nancy Grace: Is it not having a parking space considered a handicap?

Greg Tanner: I would say no.

Nancy Grace: But having a parking space taken by someone else is a handicap?

Greg Tanner: I don't quite understand. I do think its against the law to force me into your show though.

Nancy Grace: Officer, I'm going to ask you a question I would lo-o-o-ve an answer to. Have you ever watched Seinfeld?

Greg Tanner: Sure.

Nancy Grace: Hmmmm, then I don't think you're really in any position to judge anyone. Seinfeld. Is all making sense to me now. When we come back we're gonna play my favorite game. "Where in the world is Joran Van Der Sloot?" Stick around.

[Show's montage with Nancy snarling, crossing her arms, defiant look plays again]

[Cheers and Applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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