Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Two A-Holes in a Live Nativity Scene

Director.....Annette Bening
Male A-Hole.....Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole.....Kristen Wiig

[FADE IN on title slide as jazzy music plays.]

Announcer: [smoothly] And now: Two A-Holes in a Live Nativity Scene.

[FADE to the nativity scene. The director stands in the middle of the crowd and works on setting the scene.]

Director: [perkily] Okay, we need to get started. Little angel, could you move over there, please, right, thanks.

[She gestures to her left as the angel moves.]

Director: And the three Wise Men, you need to kneel.

[The Wise Men obey and kneel on the ground next to a pair of lambs.]

Director: [to shepherd] Okay, please watch out for that donkey, we don't want any more accidents. Has anyone seen the people, the two people playing Mary and Joseph?

[CUT to the A-Holes as they arrive on the scene. The man has a earphone plugged into his left ear, and the woman is talking on a cell phone.]

Female A-Hole: Hey, I'm here now.

Male A-Hole: [adjusting earphone] That's what he said.

Female A-Hole: I think it was Thursday.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, definitely plasma.

Female A-Hole: It was gross, it was a chicken.

Male A-Hole: I dunno, probably Jager.

Female A-Hole: That's for my hairdresser.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, those boots don't fit.

Female A-Hole: She looks like a rabbit.

Male A-Hole: '88 Lakers.

Female A-Hole: I gotta go.

Male A-Hole: Me too.

Female A-Hole: Bye.

Male A-Hole: Bye, babe.

[Simultaneously, he removes his earphone while she terminates the call. Audience laughs as the director stares at the two of them.]

Female A-Hole: We're here.

Male A-Hole: Let's do this!

Director: Thank you for coming. We really appreciate you two signing up for this.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, she thought she signed up for a raffle.

Female A-Hole: I like to win stuff I don't need.

Director: Well, either way, thank you so much for being here.

Male A-Hole: She said thanks, babe.

Female A-Hole: Are we done?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, can we go now?

Director: [laughs] No, no, no, we haven't even started yet.

Male A-Hole: We gotta stick around, babe.

Female A-Hole: When does "24" come back on?

Male A-Hole: [smirking] Jack Power's a pimp.

Director: I'm sorry, I don't know. Now is everybody ready to get started? Okay. [to A-Holes] Could you two head back here and just stand behind the baby Jesus?

Female A-Hole: Wait. [points to donkey] Who's that?

Director: Who?

Male A-Hole: Yeah. Who's in there?

[CUT to a closeup of the black-and-white donkey.]

Director: That's a donkey.

Male A-Hole: That's a donkey, babe.

Female A-Hole: Yah.

Male A-Hole: That's a small donkey costume. Whaddya got, kids in there?

Director: No, no, no, there are no kids in there.

Male A-Hole: Oh, I get it, you gotta use midgets, right? Union thing.

Director: No, no, not midgets.

Male A-Hole: Right, right, right, little people.

Director: No, it's not a costume. This a real donkey.

Male A-Hole: Okay, I get it. She doesn't wanna break character, babe.

Director: Look, we really need to get started, okay? People are gonna be here soon. Okay, so let's move the donkey back, and you two need to get behind the baby Jesus--everyone looking down, adoringly at the baby Jesus.

[PAN along the wise men, shepherds, and angel all staring down adoringly.]

Director: Okay, everyone's--good. Oh, oh, excellent! Okay, very, very, good! Good. Um...

[PAN to the a-holes. The male chews his gum and smirks straight ahead, while the female is captivated by her cell phone. He winks at the camera.]

Director: Looking down, could you two look down at the baby Jesus?

[The director carefully places her fingers on the female's cell phone and begins to lower it.]

Director: Mmmmmmmm...

[She plucks the cell phone out and sets it gingerly in the crib. The female a-hole's eyes follow it down.]

Director: Okay, yes, that's better. Excellent. Actually, if you don't mind, would you mind taking out your chewing gum?

[The two slowly turn to each other, then simultaneously reach for their mouths. They pretend to take out their gum, then both resume chewing it again.]

Director: [losing composure] Y'know what, forget it, let's just move on. At this point, I'd just really like to see the three Wise Men present Mary and Joseph with the gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

Male A-Hole: What the hell's myrrh?


Male A-Hole: Y'know what myrrh is, babe?

Female A-Hole: The what?

Male A-Hole: The myrrh.

Female A-Hole: The what?

Male A-Hole: The myrrh.

Female A-Hole: [pulls at her hair] The what?

Male A-Hole: Myrrh.

Female A-Hole: The what?

Male A-Hole: Myrrh, babe.

[laughter and applause]

Female A-Hole: What?

Male A-Hole: Myrrh.

Female A-Hole: The myrrh?

Male A-Hole: The what?

Director: [loses it] The myrrh. The myrrh. Y'know what, this is just not working! Why are you two even doing this?

Male A-Hole: We wanna go to heaven.

Director: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I'm just gonna have to ask you both to leave.

Female A-Hole: You look like Mrs. Brady.


Director: Get out.

Male A-Hole: We gotta go, babe.

Female A-Hole: Yaaaaaaaaay.

Male A-Hole: Grab the phone, babe.

[She reaches into the crib and pulls out her phone as well as the plastic baby playing Jesus.]

Female A-Hole: This baby doesn't look like Santa.

Director: [snatching the plastic baby from her] Just get out!

[As they start to leave, the male leans down to the donkey and shouts right into its ear.]




[They finally walk away.]

Male A-Hole: Whaddya want for Christmas, babe?

Female A-Hole: A beach.

Male A-Hole: Mm-hm.

Female A-Hole: And a donkey.

[ZOOM IN on the donkey standing placidly, then FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

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