Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

A Special Message From the President of the United States

President George W. Bush.....Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: The following is a special address from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President George W. Bush seated behind his desk in the Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. [ the audience cheers ] Earlier this week, we saw the release of -- [ holds up booklet ] the way forward, a new approach. The final report by the Baker-Hamilton Study Group. A panel comprised of several of our nation's most distinguished statesmen, as well as - and, let's be honest - some real Grade-A jackasses. Be that as it may, many of the observations in this report are useful and enlightening. Others, are a ltitle irritating. [ sneers ] For example: the report frequently points out that, before invading Iraq, we should have had some sort of plan for what to do next. [ scoffs ] Gee, ya' think?! Thanks for telling us now! [ scoffs again ] Also, for whatever reason, the reprot devotes a great deal of time explaining that there are two different types of Muslims: Sunnis, and Shiites. Which is all very interesting. Although, I'm not really sure how that's relevant to our situation in Iraq! Thanks, though. [ makes the "okay" sign with his fingers and smirks ]

But, whatever its limitations, we'll consider carefully all the recommendations embodied in this report. Just as, by the way, we consider thoughtful suggestions from any source. For example: [ holds up letter ] Mrs. Charlotte Poulter of Table Rock, Nebraska, who wrotes: [ show slide of the elderly woman, age 87 ] "Dear, Mr. President --" [ he glances at the camera with the knowing look of a talk show host ] "Why not simply declare Iraq the 51st state? Then, the Mexicans can just sneak in and take it over like the rest of the country." [ smiles ] When we called Mrs. Poulter to thank her for that suggestion, she explained she was just being sarcastic. But, all the same, we did look into her idea. One problem, is that the tunnels we'd have to dig would just be incredibly long. More than 12,000 miles. Although, that is doable! The bigger problem, is that.. well, there's just no jobs in Iraq! [ smiles ] 'Cause of the war!

Here's another one. [ holds up letter, as slide reveals a 5-year old boy ] Wyatt Schiavelli, of New Britain, Connecticut writes: "Dear, President Bush --" [ he glances again at the camera ] "Kill all the Iraqis wih poison in their water. Tell our soldiers: Don't drink the water. After they are exacerbated --" [ chuckles ] I think the little guy means exterminated! [ continues reading ] "-- we can have the oil. P.S.: if they run from the poison, we can catch them with velociraptors or motorcylces. I am five years old." [ smiles ] Well, Wyatt, for a person your age, that is a very interesting, albeit bloodthirsty, propsoal. However, I must tell you: velociraptors are extinct. Have been for, like.. 500 years.

[ holds up letter ] Finally, Gene Fowler of Apache Junction, Arizona writes: [ show slide of older man, age 50 ] "Mr. President --" [ glances at camera ] "why don't we just restore Saddam Hussein to power, write the Iraqis a check for the damage, and then forget we ever went in there?" [ shrugs ] Gene, this may surprise you a bit, but that's the solution I'm sort of leaning towards.

Over the next several weeks, the White House staff, in consultation with members of Congress, will make a thorough analysis of the Iraq Study Group's proposals - as well as ideas from other sources. The staff will then prepare a summary of these recommendations, which will later be boiled down to a one-page synopsis, the highlgihts of which will be read to me by an aide while I'm on the StairMaster. I will then weigh them carefully, when making any adjustments to our policy in Iraq. Although, I am tempted to say: "If it ain't broke -- [ struggles to complete the common phrase ] you know, why you gonna go fix it?" [ laughs ]

Now, I know the next Presidential election is less than two years away, and that few believe the security issue in Iraq can be solved by then. But let me make one thing clear: I have no intention of just handing this problem off to my successor. Whatever the outcome of the 2008 election, I will leave office when the freely-elected government of Iraq can stand on its own, and not one.. minute.. sooner. I am confident that can happen by 2008. But, if not, I intend to stay on as President, until the job in Iraq is finished! And whoever is elected in 2008 can begin his, or her -- [ scoffs ] term after that! If, in the meantime, something should happen to me, my brother Jeb can step in. And then, my daughters Jenna and Barbara can take over as twin presidents. Jenna, on Monday through Wednesday; Barbara, Thursday through Saturday. With Hank Reardon, an old college buddy - I trut him completely - in charge on Sundays. [ chuckles ] He's a hoot, ya'll are gonna LOVE him! Now, I don't know how the Iraq Study Group feels about all this - it's not mentioned in their report. But, frankly, that's beside the point. Because I'm the decider! It's right there in the Constitution - De-cid-er. So that's where I stand.

But, before concluding for the night, I want to make one thing absolutely clear: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night."

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