Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Introverts Night Out

Neil....Will Forte
Jean....Kristen Wiig
Meryl....Annette Bening
Waiter....Bill Hader

[Opens with a sports bar, everyone drinking, having a good time. In comes Neil with his conservative style, glasses, tie, vest, moustache, cow licked hair. Jean with an outdated hairdo, grandma's clothes. And Meryl, she is cute but with a depressed look on her face. She is thin but from the waist down she is bigger and fatter than the rest of her body.]

Neil: And here we are.

Jean: I have to say I'm really excited that the 3 of us are going to enjoy our first after work snack tonight.

Meryl: Yes, I'm happy its working out. The Skiff coupon from my secret Santa was really burning a hole in my pocket.

Jean: Oh, we wouldn't want that. Those are one of your flattering slacks.

Meryl: Oh, Jean.

Neil: So, what do we do here? Can we just sit down at any given table? Is there a sign-up sheet? Sort of a seating grid?

Meryl: Well, that sign says "Please wait to be seated." Mess it. If I'd known that I would've brought my folding stool.

Waiter: Excuse me. There is a table available right over there.

Neil: Wonderful. Great.

Meryl: Thank you.

Jean: Oh, excuse me.[to waiter.][Jean takes out Ziploc bag full of change, takes couple of quarters gives it to the waiter. He puts up with it.]Thank you.

Waiter: Thanks.

Neil: Jean, what a great idea to bring a bag filled with tipping change.

Jean: I have to admit my original intent was not gratuity related at all. I withdrew these quarters from the bank to purchase music songs on the jukebox machine.

Meryl: Oh, Jean I didn't even think about the possibility of a jukebox machine.

Jean: Meryl, its 2006!

Meryl: Then where in the name of Mary Todd Lincoln is it?

Neil: Excuse me, waiter. Where in the name of Mary Todd Lincoln is your jukebox machine?

Waiter: We don't have a jukebox.

Meryl: No jukebox machine?

Jean: But I went to the bank!

Neil: I wanted to hear The Platters.

Waiter: Well, we have a DJ and he should be setting up pretty soon.

Neil: It's not Wolfman Jack, is it?

Waiter: I don't think so, no.

Neil: But he'll have The Platters?

Waiter: He mostly plays dance music.

Neil: So, he does have The Platters.

Meryl: Is there gonna be dancing?

Jean: Oh, mess it. I should have worn my sneakers flats.

Meryl: I have to admit. I'm a little nervous. I've never danced in public before.

Neil: Same here, Meryl. I've been in a number of accidental dance situations. Stomping out fires, rhythmically jumping in pain after stepping on a mouse trap. But I've certainly never made a concerted effort to dance.

Jean: I did do a little salsa at my cousin's commitment ceremony. I can't say for sure as I was under the influence of a strong ring worm ointment.

Neil: Sounds like we're all on the same boat. A boat we could quite logically christen "The U.S.S Non dancer".

Meryl: How can you 2 be so calm about this? I'm quacking in my proverbial boots.

Jean: Meryl, why don't you take those jitters and turn them into a jitterbug?

Neil: Oh, what a fine, fine joke, Jean.[Kristen looks like about to crack up, holds it]Too boot not proverbially its as relevant as all get out.

Meryl: Well, I'm gonna sit this one out.

Neil: Whaaat?!

Jean: Meryl, are sure?!

Meryl: I'm positive. Truth be told I have a problem with leg sweat.

Jean: I didn't know you had leg sweat problems, Meryl.

Meryl: Unfortunately, yes. Its why I use a wheelchair at work.

Neil: Well, I think I'll fore go the dancing as well. I had a double helping of oatmeal this morning but unfortunately forgot to add water. The introduction of dancing could make for a fairly implosive situation.

Jean: Do you think they'll allow pocket books on the dance floor? Probably not. Excuse me, where are your pocket book lockers?

Waiter: We don't have lockers.

Meryl: No pocket book lockers? No jukebox machine? What the mess?

Jean: I said it before and I'll say it again. That's America, it's a problem.

Meryl: One more question, do you have wheelchairs for dancers with leg sweat problems?

Waiter: No. Are you going to order anything?

Jean: Oh, you know I'll have a warm mug of yellow eggnog.

Meryl: Oh, nog. Nog sounds good. Make that 2 nogs. Neil, nog?

Neil: Well, I was thinking about an ovaltine. Oh, mess it. Make it 3 egg nogs.

Waiter: Three eggnogs. Is that with or without alcohol?

Neil: Alcohol? I didn't know there was an option.

Meryl: I don't even know what it means.

[The trio talk over each other. Close-up on clock, time passes]

Jean: So, how is this going to work?

Neil: We'll start by gently rubbing each others shoulders for exactly 5 minutes. I'll unburden both of you of your blouses. From there we'll all put on blindfolds and remove each others......[Close-up on clock, more time passes]....and then I'll mess Meryl while Jean watches and then Jean will mess Meryl while I watch. Then Meryl and I will mess each other while Jean messes herself.[Kristen is about to crack up]Then the waiter will doggy mess Meryl as I reverse cowboy mess Jean.

Meryl: I have to say, I wasn't sure about it at first but I'm really warming to the idea of getting butt messed.

Neil: Well, its too bad this country frowns upon it so.

Jean: Well, I said it before and I'll say it again. That's America, it's a problem. [Kristen laughs finally]

[Cheers and Applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts