Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8









06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

An SNL Digital Short: Pep Talk

Manager.....Fred Armisen
Tia.....Amy Poehler
Brad.....Matthew Fox
Jordan.....Kenan Thompson
Pete.....Andy Samberg
Will.....Will Forte

[ tag (over black screen): "An SNL Digital Short" ]

[ dissolve to interior, fast food restaurant decorated for Christmas. The Manager exits his office to stand before a meeting with his four staff members. ]

Manager: Alright, guys. The holiday season is upon us, and, since we're so close to the mall, it means we're gonna get a lot more foot traffic. So, I kind of need you guys to work as a team.

Tia: [ bored, half-asleep ] Is this why you brought us in here at tne o'clock in the morning?

Manager: Tia, I really need your full attention here. This is really important. [ a beat ] I'm going to aks you guys to start working double shifts.

Brad: Drew? You couldn't have just put that on the schedule?

Manager: Brad? Two seconds: I'm over there, I'm taking you down! Two seconds!

[ Brad just stares at the Manager without saying a word ]

Manager: Where was I? Uh - they're gonna discontinue the Santa Fe Sandwich.. but we still have them, so, uh.. pretty much, on the register, just press, uh, medium fries twice, that should work.

Jordan: But.. what if somebody wants two medium fries?

Manager: Jordan! [ slaps his manual on the table ] I swear to God! Five seconds: I'm over this chair, I'm in your face, and I'm kicking you in the chest!

Jordan: But I just asked a question!

Manager: Jordan! It's going to happen! Now, uh, let's talk a little about the, uh, the drive-thru.

Pete: [ raises his hand ] That's me.

Manager: Pete! One second: one punch, BACK of the head! ONE SECOND!!

Brad: Drew. No one's arguing with you. We all like to work here. We just.. can't function when you communicate with us like this.

Pete: Yeah.

Jordan: Right.

Tia: Yeah.

Manager: Okay. I see what you're saying. 'Cause I was thinking maybe a ltitle bit more like: BRAD! Seven seconds: I'm grabbing you by the collar, your face is in the deep fryer!

Brad: What?!

Manager: PETE! Two seconds: I pull out your eyes, and they're going in the garbage!

Pete: Why?!

Manager: JORDAN! Twenty seconds: I'm over there, I'm gonna rip out oyur jaw!

Jordan: [ incredulous ] Twenty seconds?

Manager: TIA! Half-second: my ass is in your mouth!

Tia: What?

Manager: Twenty-nine-and-a-half seconds, and you're ALL gone! This is BEYOND a threat!! It's a PROMISE!!

Tia: Drew, what's going on with you, man?

Manager: [ twists his arms over his head and grits his teeth with a whimper ] I don't know! I have an anger problem, I don't know how to control it - you guys are my only friends, I'm sorry!

Brad: Drew, it's alright. We're all here for you, buddy.

Manager: [ calms himself down ] Thanks.

Will: [ enters the restaurant ] Sorry I'm late, guys, what did I miss?

[ the Manager clenches his fist and shakes in great distress while growling, until his head finally explodes. The staff reacts with jerk reactions ]

[ reveal the headless body of the Manager. No, wait - it's a dummy! The real Manager picks himself up from the floor. ]

Manager: Okay, guys. Enough fun and games. Let's get back to work.

[ cut to "Lost"-style title card that read: "Happy Holidays" ]

[ fade ]


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