Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 10

06j: Jake Gyllenhaal / The Shins

A Special Message From the President of the United States

President George W. Bush.....Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: The following is a special address by the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President George W. Bush standing alone in a room at the White House ]

President George W. Bush: Good evening. Three nights ago, I spoke to you about a new strategy for victory in Iraq. A strategy that involved.. a troop surge. The temporary committment of an additional 21,000 U.S. military personnel. From what I've been told, the plan was very well-received. Most people thought it was a fantastic plan, and would work beautifully if given a chance. Of course, the plan had its critics as well. Some, whothink the solution is to cut and run, oppose deployment of any additional troops to Iraq. Others argue that the troop surge is too small. That 21,000 is not enough to get the job done. And that this plan amounts to a "doubling down" on a bad hand. Upon reflection, I believe these critics are right: 21,000 additional troops is not enough. And, with the very survival of our way of life at stake, this is not a time to merely "double down." It's a time to go "all in."

Accordingly, as Commander-in-Chief, I'm ordering the immediate deployment to Iraq of ALL U.S. military personnel. Whether active duty, or reserve. Including: Army, Marine Corps, Air Force, Navy, Coast Guard, Merchant Marine, and shore patrol. Every single man or woman currently serving in any branch of our armed forces.

In additional, I will use my authority to send to Iraq all other uniformed personnel residing in the U.S., who have training with firearms. Policemen, Corrections Officers, U.S. Marshalls, FBI agents, private security guards, Civil War re-enactors, and, of ocurse, astronauts. And our nation's armed criminal element will have a role as well. The Crips. The Bloods. MS-13, and the Jamaican drug posses, have all been asked to do their part in Iraq, and I have no doubt they will answer their country's call. For this is every American's fight. And, if you wear a uniform, and regularly carry a gun, we need you in Iraq. whether you're a New Jersey state trooper - or Allen Iverson.

And yet, vast as this force will be, it may not be enough to secure victory. That is why I've asked from Congress - and expect to receive - authority to draft other Americans in uniform for service in Iraq. Who are these other Americans? In short, they're our country's true strength. Its forgotten heroes. Though they, too, wear a uniform, we don't usually think of them as defending our freedom. But they do. Everyday. I'm talking about America's firemen, mailmen, park rangers, uniformed sanitation workers, doormen, train conductors, toll booth operators, zookeepers, nursing home attendants, bartenders, Catholic schoolgirls, casino croupiers, limo drivers, shriners, pizza delivery men, exterminators, valet parkers, Explorer Scouts, cleaning ladies, and Century 21 agents. After six weeks of military training, these will join the other troops in Iraq, bringing our total force in that region by Summer to nearly 75 million. Three times the population of the country, and twelve times that of Baghdad. If a force that size can't do the job, well.. we can always add more! [ laughs ]

Critics of this plan will no doubt cite logistical concerns. "How will such a large force be deployed to Iraq?" Well.. surely with a force that size, some kind of discount - or charter fare - would be available. "How would that many troops be fed and housed?" My answer: there are any number of private firms that could handle the job. Personally, I recommend a company called Halliburton. And, finaly, "With nearly every able-bodied American, aged 16 through 60, serving in Iraq, who would be left to defend our homeland from attack?" That one's easy. The same people who have been doing it for nearly one-hundred years: the men and women of the Texas Air National Guard.

Thank you. And, "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night."

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