Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 10




06j: Jake Gyllenhaal / The Shins

Donald Trump Press Conference

Presenter.....Kristen Wiig
Donald Trump.....Darrell Hammond
Reporter 1.....Maya Rudolph
Reporter 2.....Jason Sudeikis
Debbie Kunsler.....Amy Poehler Reporter 3.....Kenan Thompson

Presenter: And now I am truly honored to introduce the creator and star of NBC’s hit show, The Apprentice, Mr. Donald Trump

Donald Trump: Good morning, I’d like to thanks all you members of the press for being smart enough to be here today to hear me talking about the sixth and by far the best season of my smash-hit show and ratings bonanza, The Apprentice: Los Angeles…. Here’s how this things’s gonna go: we’re here to talk about this terrific show and not about my own going feud with Rosie O’ Donnel, who by the way is a low life and a loser, and that’s all I’m gonna say about that lump…. Who has a question about The Apprentice, yes?

Reporter 1: Mr. Trump, how has it been working with you daughter Ivanka in this season’s Apprentice?

Donald Trump: Working with my daughter has been a huge joy for her, and I think we make a really champion-style team…. I’ll tell who will be a loser in any team, that sasquash Rosie O’Donnel….. Next question, yes?

Reporter: yeah, how is doing the show in Los Angeles different from doing it in New York?

Donald Trump: Great question, working in L.A. has been fantastic ‘cause I’m further away from Rosie O’ Donnel who is a no-talent dipstick, and I’m not talking about her, so let’s drop it already… and by her I mean Rosie O Donnel, who is a zero “The Apprentice”…… yes?

Debbie Kunsler: Mr Trump, Debbie Kunsler from Entertainment weekly…. I mean, it seems like you’re obsessed with this Rosie thing, are you still mad at her?

Donald Trump: Debbie I don’t know how I can be any clearer, I’m taking the high road here… absolutely no questions about Jabba The Rosie……. Let’s keep this thing on track ok? Yes?

Reporter: We’ve heard that in the new “Apprentice” the losers have to live in tents behind the match, how are they handling that?

Donald Trump: you know? I’ll tell you one thing, these kids are handling things a lot better than that gargoyle Barbara Walters… Barbara knows what she told me about Rosie and I quote: “Rosie is such a pig, that if there were a planet where only pigs live, she would be the king, and the queen…. Also her wife Kelly has one hell of a rack” and that’s a direct quote from Barbara Walters……. Yes?

Debbie Kunsler: Mr. Trump, about Rosie O’ Donnel….

Donald Trump: Ok, alright, you know what? This press conference is over. I can assure you, this season of The Apprentice is going to be huge, and Rosie, I think we should act like grown-ups and here’s how it’s gonna go, I’m made of rubber, you are made glue, whatever you say bounces off me ‘cause I’m classy, and sticks to you ‘cause you’re ugly…. Noni noni bu bu bubuuuuuuu….. The Apprentice!!!


Submitted by: Jonathan Senesi


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