06k: Jeremy Piven / AFI
Common & Blizzard Man
Blizzard Man….Andy Samberg
[Opens with a sign at a venue reading “PLAYING TONIGHT: COMMON.”]
Terry: Common, my man! There he is! Listen, I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The bad news: John Legend’s not gonna make it. The good news? We got you a replacement.
Common: Yeah, who you got?
Terry: The Blizzard Man!
DJ: The Blizzard Man? Yo, I heard he all over Ludacris’ new album.
Terry: Yeah, well you know what? We got him!
Common: For real?
Terry: Yes. Yo, Bliz, come on out here!
[Blizzard Man enters]
Terry: There he is! Bliz, Bliz, Bliz! Bliz, I’d like you to meet Common. Common, this is Bliz.
Common: How you doin’ man?
Blizzard Man: Chillin’, chillin’.
[They shake hands.]
Common: [softly] …Chillin’.
Terry: Okay, Bliz. Why don’t you get on that mic? We’ll do the song a few times, okay? Sound good?
[Blizzard Man nods]
Terry: Let’s hit it.
Common: [To Terry] Now Terry, you know you my man and all, but this cat is supposed to replace John Legend?
Terry: Trust me, he is amazing. You ready, Bliz?
Blizzard Man: No doubt.
Terry: Alright, alright, alright!! [To DJ] Drop that beat on him! [To Common] Check this out.
[DJ plays a beat]
Blizzard Man: YEAH! YEAH! Yo! Check it out, yo! Turn up the monitors! YEAH! Check my style out!
Rap song! Ra-aap song!
We rock the crowd and they get real jazzed!
We look real sharp in our snazzy duds!
And then we drink a 40-oz bottle of beer! YO. [crosses arms]
Terry: Oh my GOD!! Oh my god! What did I tell you, was that amazing?
Common: Yo, man, I gotta be for real, man. I ain’t feelin’ that.
DJ: [emphatically] NO!
Terry: Are you kidding me?? Hold on, that was a tremendous performance!
Common: He wasn’t even singing the right words.
Terry: Alright, okay, okay…
Common: …And that wasn’t even the biggest problem.
Terry: Alright, lookit, I get it. You’re not diggin’ the freestyle. I’m with that. That’s okay.
Common: Look, check this out, man. [hands Blizzard Man a sheet of paper.] Sing what’s on the sheet, you got that?
Blizzard Man: [nods] Word up.
Terry: Yo. [To DJ] Alright, bring that beat back. Give that man a beat!
[beat starts again]
Blizzard Man: Yo! Yo! Y2K! It’s the real ish! The uncut RAW! Check my style out!
Hey there, all the bros!
We are friends and we’re all in a gang!
We rap and sing and we jump around!
And the ladies show their butts and we all touch our ding-dongs!
Yo! Brooklyn, stand up! [crosses arms]
Terry: Oh! [puts hand on heart] PLEASE tell me someone was recording that!
DJ: Man, nobody was recording that.
Terry: Aw, are you kidding me? That’s a shame. Great lyrics, by the way, Common. That was amazing.
Common: Man, that wasn’t my lyrics. Man, that dude is terrible! He like garbage.
Terry: He’s the future of music!
[Pan over to Blizzard Man, who is standing with his eyes half-closed and his mouth hanging open.]
DJ: Yo, I think he ‘sleep!
Common: Hey, Terry I’m tellin’ you, we got to agree to disagree on this one.
Terry: Okay, lookit, I know that you’re resistant to change but just give him one more chance, okay? One more shot. He grows on you, alright?
Common: [hesitates] …Aight, only cuz you my guy. You my man. But he better show me something this time.
Terry: Oh, he’s gonna show you something, alright! [to DJ] Drop that beat! Bring it back! [claps]
Blizzard Man: Yo, yo, git the word out! Let’s connect politic, ditto! Blizzard Man! Common! Doin’ the humpty dance!
DJ: Man, the humpty dance??
Blizzard Man: One time, for ya mind!
Check my style out!
Several times a day we rap, and that is talkin’ minimun!
We act real weird cuz we’re on POT!
Let’s all veg out and check out the boob tube!
Hey, miss would you like to smooch?
I promise that I’ll try my best!
And then I’ll go on Arsenio and buy a tiger and rock the boat!
[Dances] Boop boop boodly boop boop ba doo! Boop boop boo doo doo doo ba doo!
Common: You know what? I see what you saying about this guy. And it’s giving me an idea.
[The sign reading “PLAYING TONIGHT: COMMON” now has a banner hanging over it that says “SHOW CANCELED.”]
Submitted by: Sam Stahlnecker