Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 11


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06k: Jeremy Piven / AFI

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

.....Seth Meyers
.....Amy Poehler
Rich Little.....Darrell Hammond

Announcer: "Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers."

Seth Meyers: I'm Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I'm Amy Poehler. Here are tonigt's top stories:

During an interview with "60 Minutes" on Sunday, President Bush defended the invasion of Iraq, saying, "We liberated that country from a tyrant. I think the Iraqi people owe the Americans a huge debt of gratitude." Said the Iraqi people, "We've been meaning to send a card, but our Hallmark store keeps blowing up."

Monday was Martin Luther King Day. Said President Bush, "I can never remember -- does that mean we Spring forward, or Fall back?"

Seth Meyers: In an interview with Fox News Sunday, Vice-President Dick Cheney commented on efforts to stop additional troops from being sent to Iraq, saying, "You can't run a war by committee. You run a war by a monkey, a map, and some darts."

Muslim groups are concerned that the new season of "24", which features Muslim terrorists setting off a nuclear explosive near Los Angeles, will foster hate against them and create a climate of Islamaphobia. Also creating a climate of Islamaphobia: terrorism!

Amy Poehler: Hoping to avoid last year's controversial performance by Stephen Colbert at the White House Correspondents Dinner, the Bush administration has chosen a more traditional comedian for this year. A performer from the old guard, who's been a staple of "The Tonight Show" for over four decades. That comedian is with us tonight. Please welcome the legendary Mr. Rich Little!

Rich Little: Thank you, Amy. Hello there, folks. You know, I've been doing impressions for a long, long time. I'm a professinoal, so the last thing I'm gonna do is.. get up there and kick President Bush while he's down. So, don't worry, Mr. President. I won't say a critical word about you, but.. maybe.. Mr. Ronald Reagan would: [ imitates Ronald Reagan: ] "Well.. I may be dead and buried.. but I'm still more alive than our chances of winning in Iraq! That country is in worse shape than Dean Martin's liver."

Amy Poehler: Okay. Th-th-that seems kind of critical.

Rich Little: I don't think so. You know, Amy -- I've proven I can imitate people of all ages, much like my good friend Pee-Wee Herman, who told me: [ imitates Pee-Wee Herman: ] "Hey, President Bush! It's okay with ME if you want to put 20,000 more troops in harm's way, but I've got one question for you: [ higher-pitched: ] Where are the weapons of mass destruction?! HA HA!!" Stuff like that, Amy.

Amy Poehler: Yeah. I'm not -- I'm not so sure that's gone go over so well.

Rich Little: Don't worry. I'm keeping it very clean, I -- [ clears throat ] I've modeled myself after the King of Late Night himself, Mr. Johnny Carson: [ imitates Johnny Carson: ] It's, uh -- it's too bad.. the President.. didn't sign the Kyoto Treaty, huh? Global warming has gotten so bad, that just this morning -- true story -- I saw a polar bear.. putting sunblock.. on his snow balls. Uhh -- and, did he make a mess.. out of Hurricane Katrina.. or what? Whew! They're saying now, that George Bush did to New Orleans, what DEbbie did to Dallas."

Amy Poehler: Alright. That's definitely critical. [ laughs nervously ]

Rich Little: [ still in Johnny Carson mode, holds an envelope to his forehead ] "A burning car.. Star Jones.. and Iraq."

Amy Poehler: [ laughs nervously ] "A burning car.. Star Jones.. and Iraq."

Rich Little: [ opens the envelope ] "Name three things no one wants to get into!"

[ a rim shot sounds, as the audience simultaneously laughs and groans ]

Amy Poehler: Alright. I think we get the gist. Rich Little, everyone! Professional. Professional.

Seth Meyers: [ show "American Idol" logo ] Last Tuesday night, an estimated 37.3 million viewers watched the Season Six premiere of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." [ show photo of Paula Abdul ]

Amy Poehler: Documentarian Ken Burns has signed an exclusive deal with PBS to air his work through 2022. In addition, Burns will ocntinue his deal to get his hair done exclusively at SuperCuts.

India is buzzing over the recent engagement of Bollywood's hottest couple, Aishwarya Rai and Abhishek Bachchan. Or, as they're known in the Bollywood tabloids: Aishwarishek.

Seth Meyers: New research shows that playing video games can satisfy deep psychological needs and, in the short term, improve the players' well-being -- Mo-o-o-m!!

A man in Illinois broke the Guinness World Record for riding a stationary bike with a time of 85 hours. Said the man afterward, "Stationary? Oh, man, I'm gonna be late." The man plans on celebrating his accomplishment by patiently waiting for the sensation to return to his balls.

Amy Poehler: The American Kennel Club on Monday named the Labrador Retriever the most popular dog in America, followed by the Yorkshire Terrier and the German Shepard. The least popular dog? The "Take-A-Poo." [ show photo of a dog squatting from the rear ]

According to a sex study published jointly by Esquire and Marie Claire, Republican men prefer to have a woman on top during sex. Or what they call, "Doing it Pelosi-style."

Seth Meyers: Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick surrendered a water bottle to security at Miami International Airport, Thursday, that smelled like marijuana. Vick was stopped by security, cut left, broke a tackle, and was finally brought down after gaining 22 yards.

Michael Vick's alleged attempt to bring marijuana onto a plane raises many questions. Questions we will now address in a new segment on "Weekend Update", called "Really?!? with Seth & Amy."

[ show title card ]

[ dissolve back to Amy and Seth at the desk ]

Seth Meyers: Michael Vick? Really?!? You didn't want to throw your weed away before you went through security? Really?!? You have 117 million dollars left on your contract. Do you know what 117 million dollars means? You can afford to replace your weed if you have to throw it away at the airport. [ audience cheers ] Really! Even my dumbest high school friends know to throw their weed away at the airport, and they have NO MONEY and LOVE weed!

Amy Poehler: And you got caught at the Miami Airport? Really? You didn't think they would check for drugs at the airport in Miami? Really?!?

Seth Meyers: And, also, I don't know if you've heard, but you can't bring bottled water past security any more. So you hid your weed -- which is not allowed on a plane -- in another thing that is not allowed on a plane. [ audience cheers ] That's like hiding your weed in the barrel of a gun or in the mouth of an endangered species. Really?

Amy Poehler: Really? And it never occurred to you to put it in a Ziploc bag and sink it to the bottom of a shampoo bottle in your checked luggage, like we all do? Really?!?"

Seth Meyers: And, Michael Vick, do you not have an entourage? Really?!? Because you should put together an entourage, and the first guy in that entourage should be called "Michael Vick's Official Weed Carrier." Really!

Amy Poehler: A-and, also -- you were flying back to Atlanta. Where you live. Do you not keep weed at your house? Really?!? Because, if you like weed, you should have some at your house. Really! [ audience cheers ]

Seth Meyers: Really! So, really, Michael Vick, throw your weed away. I know you're a running quarterback, but throw.. it.. away! Really!

Amy Poehler: Wow!

Seth Meyers: Wow!

[ show title card ]

Announcer: This has been "Really?!? with Seth & Amy."

[ dissolve back to Amy and Seth at the desk ]

Seth Meyers: Officials at the Chimp Haven, in the Shreveport, Louisiana Zoo were surprised when a female chimpanzee gave birth, despite the fact the facility's entire male population has had vasectomies. Officials say that, while vasectomies can sometimes reverse themselves, they'd still like to have a word with Gary. [ show photo of a wide-eyed male ]

Amy Poehler: Ashley Harder, Miss New Jersey USA, has resigned because she's pregnant. Which is odd, since being single and pregnant is what earned her the title Miss New Jersey.

Bangor, Maine has enacted a law banning smoking in cars carrying children under the age of 18. [ in her Mom's voice: ] "So, uh, sorry, kids. Get out of the car." [ lights a cigarette ] "You're walking. Mommy needs a cigarette!" [ puffs passionately on her butt ]

Seth Meyers: New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg announced Wednesday that the city plans to equip 911 emergency call centers to receive instant cell phone photos from people who record a crime as it's happening. Okay, Bloomberg, but I will warn you right now: if you get a picture sent from one of my college friends, be careful. If it says, "Emergency: This guy is going nuts," don't open it. It's a picture of his genitals. If it says, "Help, trapped in a sack," don't open it. Genitals. "Snake escapes from zoo"? Don't open it. Also, don't open it if it says "My gum fell in a pile of hair," or "Look how swollen my thumb is." [ audience laughs and groans ] Also, you're welcome!

According to a new study, 60 percent of men and 17 percent of women surf the internet for porn. Also, the other 40 percent of men.

For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: [ still puffing on her cigarette ] I'm Amy Poehler. Good night!


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