Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 12


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com







06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

.....Seth Meyers
.....Amy Poehler
Barbara Birmingham.....Kenan Thompson

Announcer: "Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers."

Seth Meyers: I'm Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I'm Amy Poehler. Here are tonight's top stories:

Senator Barack Obama proposed. for the first time. setting a deadline for withdrawing troops from Iraq as part of a broader plan aimed at bolstering his foreign policy credentials. Because if you don't know your foreign policy, you might only get elected President twice.

Sunday's Super Bowl game between the Indianapolis Colts and the Chicago Bears was unexpectedly canceled today, when the two teams signed a treaty and declared an end to hostilities.

Seth Meyers: In an interview Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney acknowledged that an aircraft carrier sent to the Persian Gulf sends Iran a strong message that says "Wwe're here to stay." Because nothing says "We're here to stay" like a boat.

Scientists from 113 countries issued a landmark report Friday, saying that they are 90% certain that recent global warming had been caused by man. Specifically, this man: [ reveal picture of Seth cuddling with a tiger ]

Amy Poehler: [ rolling her eyes ] Gross.

Seth Meyers: You like it!

Amy Poehler: Yeah. Ugh.

Researchers in West Virginia announced Friday the results of a study that suggest playing the video game "Dance, Dance Revolution" improves the health of overweight kids. Though not as much as its rival game, "Hamburger on a String."

In her first interview since leaving rehab, Miss USA Tara Conner told People magazine that she's dabbled in cocaine. Though in her defense, it was during the "cocaine-dabbling" segment of the Miss USA Pageant.

Seth Meyers: To promote the launch of Microsoft's new Vista operating system, performers from the Grounded Aerial Dance Theater danced across a seven-story building in Manhattan. Wow! One of Manhattan's famed seven-story buildings!

Amy Poehler: Earlier this week, a bill was introduced in the California State Assembly, banning spanking of any child under age three, even between a parent and child. Here with a comment is our very own Update Nanny, Barbara Birmingham.

Barbara Birmingham: [ removes her cigarette and blows smoke ] Mmm-mmm-mmm. Amy! I been NOT takin' mess from kids for twenty-five years! And let me tell you something, straight up and down: this spankin' ban is DOO-DOO!! Every child that has been reared from these upper bosoms -- [ cups her upper bosoms ] has gone on to MAKE something of themselves! Primarily due to the use of my special techniques, held within my book -- [ holds up her book ] "I Will Beat Yo Ass!" by Barbara Birmingham. An easyreading autobiography.

Seth Meyers: [ he just has to ask: ] Why do you have an autobiography?

Barbara Birmingham: [ lunges across the Update desk towards Seth ] HEY, PUNK!!

[ Amy holds Barbara back as she yells unintelligibly at a stunned Seth. Barbra finally retreats back to her seat. ]

Barbara Birmingham: As I was saying.. Kids are real smartasses these days! So you have to be JUST as smart. [ holds up a baby doll ] Let's just suppose that this adorable fake baby is your child, and it come to you looking for a midnight snack. [ turns to Amy ] Here -- you be the mommy.

Amy Poehler: Okay..

Barbara Birmingham: [ motioning the baby doll ] "Mommy, Mommy! I want some ice cream! I want somwe ice cream!" Now, you respond.

Amy Poehler: Oh. Um -- [ with great sincerity: ] "Now, Benjamin.. didn't we have a talk about that?"

Barbara Birmingham: You askin'?! No, no, no, no, no! That's not how we do it. Let me show you what we do this one: [ taps her lit cigarette, then puffs it within a foot of the baby doll, blows and fans smoke into its face, and finally speaks in a slow monotone ] You ask me about ice cream one more time, and I'm gonna slap the taste buds out your mouth! Then, whatcha gonna need with ice cream when you ain't got no TASTE BUDS?!!"

Amy Poehler: That is horrible!

Barbara Birmingham: That is.. discipline!

Amy Poehler: What if we don't want to do that?

Barbara Birmingham: [ holds up her book ] I will beat yo ass!

Amy Poehler: Barbara Birmingham, everybody. Thank you.

Seth Meyers: A church in upstate New York is hosting a "Porn and Pancakes" breakfast to discuss the impact of pornography on society. It's expected to be much more successfully than the previous breakfast, which was just "Pancakes."

On Monday, Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro was euthanized, eight months after fracturing his leg during the Preakness. Kind of like my grandma -- minus the part about winning anything. Unless you consider osteoporosis the prize for Least Milk Consumption. Anyway, we'll miss you Barbaro. But not you, Grandma. You were a loser to the end.

Amy Poehler: This week, the Pedro Almodóvar film, "Volver", won for Best Film at Spain's Goya Awards. For which it received the coveted Goya. [ reveal photo of Goya-brand beans mounted on a trophy ]

Seth Meyers: It was reported that a convicted sex offender won 14 million dollars in Florida's lottery. The man says he will spend the money on a puppy and a van.

Prince Charles and his wife Camilla were in New York last weekend and spent time in Harlem, where the Prince played basketball. While Camilla sat motionless on the sidelines, frozen with fear.

Amy Poehler: A Belgian school is allowing students older than 16 to smoke on campus, as long as they stand in a cage and wear a badge displaying an X-ray image of tobacco-damaged lungs. Said the students, "Okay."

Seth Meyers: A new study suggests that lavendar and tetri oils, found in some shampoos and soaps and lotions can, in rare cases, temporarily leave boys with enlarged breasts.

Amy Poehler: Uh, Seth, uh -- does it mention, uh, you know, specific brands or anything?

Seth Meyers: No.

Amy Poehler: Oh. Okay. Does it work on girls? Oh, you don't -- you don't know! Okay. Cool! [ chuckles ] Just curious -- you know, about science! Curious lie a cat! [ holds up her hands and lets out a roar ]

Seth Meyers: [ consoles Amy ] I'm sure you can get some --

Amy Poehler: HOW DARE YOU?!! [ scowls ] Next joke, please! [ smiles ]

The New Jersey Nets, this week, unveiled their new senior dance group that consists of members who range in age from 59 to 83. When asked what the group would wear, one member said, "Depends."

Two lesbians have formed Mexico's first gay civil union in a landmark ceremony. Learn all about it on the new Showtime series, "The El Word."

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I'm Amy Poehler. Good night!


SNL Transcripts