06m: Forest Whitaker / Keith Urban

Bronx Beat

Betty Caruso.....Amy Poehler
Jodi Deitz.....Maya Rudolph
Dr. Joseph Humphries.....Forrest Whitaker
Dr. Cora Reynolds.....Kristen Wiig
Voice of Frankie.....

(Lots and lots of chatter.)

Betty: Hello, Hello. Whoo! This is Bronx Beat. I’m Betty. This is Jody.

Jodi: I’m Jody.

Betty: God Why did we do this show today?

Jodi: I don’t even know. What is this show? I honestly have no idea. You know, when I left the house this morning, it was pitch dark outside. There was nary a person on the streets.

Betty: Nobody but nurses and drunks.

Jodi: Nurses and drunks.

Betty: It’s freezing out. I’m cold! I’m depressed. What do you call that season—

Jodi: The Winds of Time.

Betty: The winds of time. Yes.

Jodi: You know, I wish I was a bear so I can sleep and wake up in the Spring.

Betty: Yeah, just hibernate.

Jodi: Hibernate.

Betty: Hibernate.

Jodi: I wanna go into one of those Bear comas. You know, wake me when it’s ova.

Betty: You know if I hibernated, if I went into a bear coma, you know what’d happen to my husband? He would starve to death.

Jodi: Yeah, my husband thinks the microwave is a big clock.

Betty: Ah, stupid. Stupid. You know – Wake me when its summa. ……You know what? I’m grouchy today.

Jodi: You are grouchy.

Betty: I’m grouchy.

Jodi: You know what? I’m grouchy.

Betty: We’re allowed to be grouchy. Be grouchy. Be good to yourself. You only live once and the way things are going these days, the whole world’s gonna blow up.

Jodi: You know, everybody in my house is sick.

Betty: You know what people don’t know how to do at my house, they don’t know how to use a Kleenex. It’s disgusting.

Jodi: Disgusting. Ugh. So many germs. I’d pay a million dollars for someone to come to my house and get rid of all the germs.

Betty: Oh!

Jodi: My house is germ city.

Betty: Yeah, what would they use? How could you get rid of all the germs in your house? Gallons of Purell? Hot blowas? It’s not gonna work.

Jodi: I don’t know. It doesn’t matta.

Betty: You know what I saw on TV?

Jodi: huh?

Betty: There are bugs that live in yah eyelids and you can neva get them out.

Jodi: Disgusting.

Betty: Neva.

Jodi: It’s gross. Geeze. Now, I gotta add that to my list of worries.

Betty: Yah eyelids are the bug’s house.

Jodi: Gross.

Betty: It’s garbage.

Jodi: What are you gonna even tell me that for? It’s disgusting!

Betty: Alright, Alright. We have guests! Plural. Here we go.

Jodi: Oh God, there’s two of ‘em?

Betty: yeah, two. God, alright. Just bring them out.

Jodi: Just bring them out.

Betty: Just bring them out. Get it over with. ….I can’t read this. You need to type these names.

Jodi: I was half asleep when I got here this morning. My hand was frozen, like a claw position.

Betty: Is this an S or a 5?

Jodi: Who knows? How am I supposed to know?

Betty: I can’t even read it. Oh.. Dr. Joseph—Oh! You’re already here.

Jodi: Sneakin up on us.

Betty: Alright, so. Where are you from?

Dr. Joseph Humphries: We’re from the New York blood center and we launching our Bronx community blood program to help increase the level of blood donations in the Bronx.

Jodi: Ugh. Stop sayin blood.

Betty: Yah makin’ me sick.

Jodi: I’m gonna faint.

Betty: I can’t even look at a sewing needle.

Jodi: Oh God. …. All of these medical shows – They make me sick. I can’t even watch Scrubs.

Betty: Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. …Go ahead.

Dr. Cora Reynolds: Joe and I will be at North Central Bronx hospital in the nurses residence Sunday from 12 to ---

Jodi: So, how long yah been married?

Dr. Cora Reynolds: Oh, oh.. We’re not married. I mean.. not to each other. He’s married. (Nervous)

Betty: …Not for long.

(Both Better and Jodi smile and nod at them for a bit.)

Betty: Because, guess what? …. He loves you.

Jodi: He loves you.

Betty: He loooves you. Look at the way he’s smiling at you! Va va vooom!

Jodi: Love birds!

Betty: Love birds! Look at how he’s smiling.

Jodi: They’re in love!

Betty: They’re in love!

Jodi: The feeling is mutual. She’s got oogily eyes for him.

Betty: He’s adorable!

Dr. Joseph Humphries: We have a great deal of respect for each other, but we’re strictly coworkers.

Dr. Cora Reynolds: Yes, yes. Strictly professional.

Jodi: Yeah.

Betty: Yeah.

Jodi: Sure.

Betty: Sure. That’s what youre going with. Alright. Yup.

Jodi: Whateva.

Betty: So… Blood drive. ..Ugh. Blood drive.

Jodi: Ugh. That’s two things I hate. Blood and driving.

Betty: Ugh! ….You know what world I hate? ….Hemoglobin.

Jodi: Ew. Gross.

Betty: It doesn’t make any sense. It makes me sick.

Dr. Joseph Humphries: … We started the program a few months ago and we’re very excited--

Jodi: Let me ask yah something. You two share an office?

Dr. Joseph Humphries: Well, there are a few of us in the office.

Betty: Ah, close quarters.

Jodi: Uh huh. Long hours.

Betty: Yup. Drinks after work.

Jodi: You know the last time I had a romantic drink with my husband? Nineteen Eighty-Neva. You know where he takes me to eat? Chez Nowhere. …..It drives me nuts. I hate him, but you know what? …I love him. (starts getting emotional)

Betty: Oh god. Here she goes.

Jodi: And my two daughters. And my son. He’s a good man.

Betty: Very emotional now. God.

Jodi: I know.

Betty: Alright. Anyway. … Blood Drive. Go.

Jodi: Blood drive.

Dr. Joseph Humphries: Yes, please. Come down. Donate blood. It’s easier than you think.

Betty: Hey. Let me pass something on to you two – Love has no color.

Jodi: She’s right. Color of yah skin – Doesn’t matta.

Betty: I dated a Puerto Rican once. I met him at a Yankees game. He was handing out nuts. Drove my parents bonkas.

Jodi: Sexy! I didn’t know that.

Betty: He was a good kissa. God. Such a good kissa. Not like my husband – Ugh! Kissing my husband is like kissing nothing.

Jodi: Tell me about it.

Betty: It’s like kissing a dead fish. I’d rather read a book. … I’d rather kiss a book!

Jodi: I bet you two smash your faces together each chance you get. Let me tell yah something. You are gonna open your desk, and there’s gonna be a secret present in there and guess what? Its. From. Him.

Betty: Bingo, Jodi. He loves you!

Jodi: He’s in love with you!

Betty: Lookit! He’s loving on you! Go ahead. Kiss her.

Jodi: Yeah, noone is watching this show. Just kiss her.

Betty: Kiss her! Noone’s watching.

Jodi: Just do it!

Betty: Just kiss each other! …. We’re pressuring them. We’re pressuring them. Alright. Take your time. Take your time. Love needs time. Alright. How do we take a call? How do we do this?

Jodi: Ugh, I dunno. Just press a button.

Betty: This is stupid! These buttons!

Jodi: Thing thing drives me nuts.

Betty: Hello?

Frankie (voice): Ma? I threw up.

Jodi: Aww, it’s little Frankie. Aww, you threw up? Alright, where are you?

Frankie (voice): I threw up on your bedspread.

Betty: Aww, your bedspread is beautiful.

Jodi: Aww , poor baby. Sweeetie, tell your daddy to get you some flat ginger ale. Where is your father?

Frankie (voice): In the garage.

Jodi: Unbelievable. He’s unbelievable. He’s in the garage, making his own beer.

Betty: Ugh! Grow up. So, stupid.

Jodi: Alright. Bye Frankie. Go get your dumb father. Ugh!

Betty: Oh, God. Sooo… You two are doctas. What’s Frankie got? The flu?

Dr. Joseph Humphries: Maybe?

Jodi: Yeah. What’s Frankie got? The flu?

Betty: Chicken Flu?

Jodi: Stomach Flu?

Betty: Bird Flu?

Jodi: Chicken Flu?

Betty: Super Flu?

Jodi: Mega Flu?

Betty: Mega Mega Flu?

Jodi: Supa Dupa Flu?

Betty: I tell yah. I’ll tell yah what everyone does have – Bugs in yah eyelids.

Jodi: Ick. Freaky.

Betty: It’s disgusting. It’s garbage.

(pregnant pause while both are staring at the two Drs.)

Betty: Alright you guys, take care.

Jodi: Alright. Yeah. You two love birds take care. Do yah thing. Buh-bye!

Betty: Bye bye!

(Two Drs. Stand up.)

Dr. Joseph Humphries: We are not in love.

Dr. Cora Reynolds: …What? We’re not?

(Two women chatter about stuff until lights go down)


Submitted by: Lauren Leasure