06m: Forest Whitaker / Keith Urban
Betty Caruso.....Amy Poehler
Jodi Deitz.....Maya Rudolph
Dr. Joseph Humphries.....Forrest Whitaker
Dr. Cora Reynolds.....Kristen Wiig
Voice of Frankie.....
(Lots and lots of chatter.)
Betty: Hello, Hello. Whoo! This is Bronx Beat. I’m Betty. This is Jody.
Jodi: I’m Jody.
Betty: God Why did we do this show today?
Jodi: I don’t even know. What is this show? I honestly have no idea. You know, when I left the house this morning, it was pitch dark outside. There was nary a person on the streets.
Betty: Nobody but nurses and drunks.
Jodi: Nurses and drunks.
Betty: It’s freezing out. I’m cold! I’m depressed. What do you call that season—
Jodi: The Winds of Time.
Betty: The winds of time. Yes.
Jodi: You know, I wish I was a bear so I can sleep and wake up in the Spring.
Betty: Yeah, just hibernate.
Jodi: I wanna go into one of those Bear comas. You know, wake me when it’s ova.
Betty: You know if I hibernated, if I went into a bear coma, you know what’d happen to my husband? He would starve to death.
Jodi: Yeah, my husband thinks the microwave is a big clock.
Betty: Ah, stupid. Stupid. You know – Wake me when its summa. ……You know what? I’m grouchy today.
Jodi: You are grouchy.
Betty: I’m grouchy.
Jodi: You know what? I’m grouchy.
Betty: We’re allowed to be grouchy. Be grouchy. Be good to yourself. You only live once and the way things are going these days, the whole world’s gonna blow up.
Jodi: You know, everybody in my house is sick.
Betty: You know what people don’t know how to do at my house, they don’t know how to use a Kleenex. It’s disgusting.
Jodi: Disgusting. Ugh. So many germs. I’d pay a million dollars for someone to come to my house and get rid of all the germs.
Jodi: My house is germ city.
Betty: Yeah, what would they use? How could you get rid of all the germs in your house? Gallons of Purell? Hot blowas? It’s not gonna work.
Jodi: I don’t know. It doesn’t matta.
Betty: You know what I saw on TV?
Betty: There are bugs that live in yah eyelids and you can neva get them out.
Jodi: It’s gross. Geeze. Now, I gotta add that to my list of worries.
Betty: Yah eyelids are the bug’s house.
Betty: It’s garbage.
Jodi: What are you gonna even tell me that for? It’s disgusting!
Betty: Alright, Alright. We have guests! Plural. Here we go.
Jodi: Oh God, there’s two of ‘em?
Betty: yeah, two. God, alright. Just bring them out.
Jodi: Just bring them out.
Betty: Just bring them out. Get it over with. ….I can’t read this. You need to type these names.
Jodi: I was half asleep when I got here this morning. My hand was frozen, like a claw position.
Betty: Is this an S or a 5?
Jodi: Who knows? How am I supposed to know?
Betty: I can’t even read it. Oh.. Dr. Joseph—Oh! You’re already here.
Jodi: Sneakin up on us.
Betty: Alright, so. Where are you from?
Dr. Joseph Humphries: We’re from the New York blood center and we launching our Bronx community blood program to help increase the level of blood donations in the Bronx.
Jodi: Ugh. Stop sayin blood.
Betty: Yah makin’ me sick.
Jodi: I’m gonna faint.
Betty: I can’t even look at a sewing needle.
Jodi: Oh God. …. All of these medical shows – They make me sick. I can’t even watch Scrubs.
Betty: Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. …Go ahead.
Dr. Cora Reynolds: Joe and I will be at North Central Bronx hospital in the nurses residence Sunday from 12 to ---
Jodi: So, how long yah been married?
Dr. Cora Reynolds: Oh, oh.. We’re not married. I mean.. not to each other. He’s married. (Nervous)
Betty: …Not for long.
(Both Better and Jodi smile and nod at them for a bit.)
Betty: Because, guess what? …. He loves you.
Jodi: He loves you.
Betty: He loooves you. Look at the way he’s smiling at you! Va va vooom!
Jodi: Love birds!
Betty: Love birds! Look at how he’s smiling.
Jodi: They’re in love!
Betty: They’re in love!
Jodi: The feeling is mutual. She’s got oogily eyes for him.
Betty: He’s adorable!
Dr. Joseph Humphries: We have a great deal of respect for each other, but we’re strictly coworkers.
Dr. Cora Reynolds: Yes, yes. Strictly professional.
Betty: Sure. That’s what youre going with. Alright. Yup.
Betty: So… Blood drive. ..Ugh. Blood drive.
Jodi: Ugh. That’s two things I hate. Blood and driving.
Betty: Ugh! ….You know what world I hate? ….Hemoglobin.
Jodi: Ew. Gross.
Betty: It doesn’t make any sense. It makes me sick.
Dr. Joseph Humphries: … We started the program a few months ago and we’re very excited--
Jodi: Let me ask yah something. You two share an office?
Dr. Joseph Humphries: Well, there are a few of us in the office.
Betty: Ah, close quarters.
Jodi: Uh huh. Long hours.
Betty: Yup. Drinks after work.
Jodi: You know the last time I had a romantic drink with my husband? Nineteen Eighty-Neva. You know where he takes me to eat? Chez Nowhere. …..It drives me nuts. I hate him, but you know what? …I love him. (starts getting emotional)
Betty: Oh god. Here she goes.
Jodi: And my two daughters. And my son. He’s a good man.
Betty: Very emotional now. God.
Jodi: I know.
Betty: Alright. Anyway. … Blood Drive. Go.
Jodi: Blood drive.
Dr. Joseph Humphries: Yes, please. Come down. Donate blood. It’s easier than you think.
Betty: Hey. Let me pass something on to you two – Love has no color.
Jodi: She’s right. Color of yah skin – Doesn’t matta.
Betty: I dated a Puerto Rican once. I met him at a Yankees game. He was handing out nuts. Drove my parents bonkas.
Jodi: Sexy! I didn’t know that.
Betty: He was a good kissa. God. Such a good kissa. Not like my husband – Ugh! Kissing my husband is like kissing nothing.
Jodi: Tell me about it.
Betty: It’s like kissing a dead fish. I’d rather read a book. … I’d rather kiss a book!
Jodi: I bet you two smash your faces together each chance you get. Let me tell yah something. You are gonna open your desk, and there’s gonna be a secret present in there and guess what? Its. From. Him.
Betty: Bingo, Jodi. He loves you!
Jodi: He’s in love with you!
Betty: Lookit! He’s loving on you! Go ahead. Kiss her.
Jodi: Yeah, noone is watching this show. Just kiss her.
Betty: Kiss her! Noone’s watching.
Jodi: Just do it!
Betty: Just kiss each other! …. We’re pressuring them. We’re pressuring them. Alright. Take your time. Take your time. Love needs time. Alright. How do we take a call? How do we do this?
Jodi: Ugh, I dunno. Just press a button.
Betty: This is stupid! These buttons!
Jodi: Thing thing drives me nuts.
Frankie (voice): Ma? I threw up.
Jodi: Aww, it’s little Frankie. Aww, you threw up? Alright, where are you?
Frankie (voice): I threw up on your bedspread.
Betty: Aww, your bedspread is beautiful.
Jodi: Aww , poor baby. Sweeetie, tell your daddy to get you some flat ginger ale. Where is your father?
Frankie (voice): In the garage.
Jodi: Unbelievable. He’s unbelievable. He’s in the garage, making his own beer.
Betty: Ugh! Grow up. So, stupid.
Jodi: Alright. Bye Frankie. Go get your dumb father. Ugh!
Betty: Oh, God. Sooo… You two are doctas. What’s Frankie got? The flu?
Dr. Joseph Humphries: Maybe?
Jodi: Yeah. What’s Frankie got? The flu?
Betty: Chicken Flu?
Jodi: Stomach Flu?
Betty: Bird Flu?
Jodi: Chicken Flu?
Betty: Super Flu?
Jodi: Mega Flu?
Betty: Mega Mega Flu?
Jodi: Supa Dupa Flu?
Betty: I tell yah. I’ll tell yah what everyone does have – Bugs in yah eyelids.
Jodi: Ick. Freaky.
Betty: It’s disgusting. It’s garbage.
(pregnant pause while both are staring at the two Drs.)
Betty: Alright you guys, take care.
Jodi: Alright. Yeah. You two love birds take care. Do yah thing. Buh-bye!
Betty: Bye bye!
(Two Drs. Stand up.)
Dr. Joseph Humphries: We are not in love.
Dr. Cora Reynolds: …What? We’re not?
(Two women chatter about stuff until lights go down)
Submitted by: Lauren Leasure