Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 13





06m: Forest Whitaker / Keith Urban

Happy Valentine's Day from the Cheney Family

Dick Cheney.....Darrell Hammond
Lynne Cheney.....Kristen Wiig

[ open on title card: "Happy Valentine's Day from the Cheney Family" ]

Announcer: And now, a Valentine's moment from Vice-President Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney: Hello. I'm Dick Cheney. This is my wife, Lynne.

Lynne Cheney: Hello.

Dick Cheney: You know, Valentine's Day is always special, here at the Cheney household. We love all the cards we get from our friends and family, and, uh, we always make time to share them with each other. So, tonight, we thought, suring this somwhat acrimonious political season, why not share our Valentine's with everyone? Spread the jots of wealth. For example, here's one from a former member of my staff, and close friend, Scooter Libby:

"Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
If I go to jail,
You're gonna go, too."

[ smiles ] "Happy Valentine's - Scooter Libby."

[ looks to Lynne ] Do we even know anyone named Scooter Libby?

Lynne Cheney: I don't think so.

Dick Cheney: I didn't think so.

Lynne Cheney: Here's one from our old friend, Harry Whittington. [ hands Dick the card ]

Dick Cheney: You may remember that he and I were involved in a hunting accident last year around this time. [ clears throat ] He writes:

"Dear, Dick:
Remember when you shot me in the face?
Well, down here in Texas, when I go any place,
They say, 'There goes the guy Dick Cheney shot in the face.'"

That's nice.

Lynne Cheney: Yes. Here's one from our good friend, Wolf Blitzer, over at CNN. [ hands card to Dick ]

Dick Cheney: Recently, Wolf and I shared an uncomfortable moment after an appearance on his show where he made the mistake of asking me about my daughter, which I consider off-limits. [ opens card ]

"Dear, Dick:
It's true I crossed the line,
But let's save the drama for the thespians.
Your daughter had a baby,
And that baby.. will be raised by queers."

[ flips the card around, curiously ] What the hell - that doesn't even rhyme. I don't think we like Wolf Blitzer too much. Lynne, you, uh - you wrote him a Valentine's this year, didn't you?

Lynne Cheney: Yes, I did. I'm not really a poet. Here goes:

"Hey, Wolf Blitzer,
Yuo sanctimonious buffoon.
Your time is coming,
And it's coming real soon.
Dick's gonna get you,
And he's gonna cut off your beard.
And you're gonna look weird,
When you don't have a beard.
Happy Valentine's Day."

Dick Cheney: I like that. I --

Lynne Cheney: [ cuts him off ] Here's one from Lance Corporal Peter Fine. He's stationed in Iraq. [ hands card to Dick ]

Dick Cheney: Alright. Now, I'm very instrumental in the decision to free Iraq, and I think our troops understand that and appreciate it:

"Happy Valentine's, Mr. Cheney,
It's hot here, in Iraq.
I can't wait for you to get here,
So you can suck --"

I don't think we need to finish that. [ Lynne shakes her head no ] Why don't you, uh -- why don't you, uh, hand me antoher one from the uh, from the Iraq bunch?

Lynne Cheney: Sure. [ sifts through the stack of cards, examining each one first ] Well, you don't want to read this one. [ examines next card ] This one's not very nice. [ examines next card ] Can't say that word on the air! Um, why don't we just, uh, just read these later? [ smiles ]

Dick Cheney: Alright.

Lynne Cheney: Here's one from all of our friends over at Halliburton. [ hands card to Dick ]

Dick Cheney: Oh, that's nice of them. "Dear Dick: No words could tell the friendship we share with you. So please except this small gift, so that we shall remain true. Happy Valentine's Day, your friends at Halliburton." Very nice. And, look - it's a Barnes & Noble gift card.

Lynne Cheney: Hmm. That's sweet. How much?

Dick Cheney: Uh - oh! Half a million dollars! [ chuckles heartily ]

Lynne Cheney: Maybe we should just read one more.

Dick Cheney: Alright.

Lynne Cheney: Read this one. [ hands card to Dick ]

Dick Cheney: [ reads ]
"The terrorists are coming to kill us
They want our way of life to end.
We must live every day in fear,
Because fear is our only friend.
Love, Lynne Cheney."

[ takes her hand ] You do know the way to my heart!

Lynne Cheney: Happy Valentine's Day.

Dick Cheney: And Happy Valentine's Day to all of you -- also, "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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