Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 13










06m: Forest Whitaker / Keith Urban

A Message from the Staten Island Zoo

Karen Donnally.....Kristen Wiig

[ open on title slide ]

Announcer: And now, a message from the Staten Island Zoo.

[ cut to zoo office, Karen Donnally seated behind desk ]

Karen Donnally: Greetings, wildlife enthusiasts! My name is Karen Donnally, and today I'd like to talk about some very special animals that don't get much attention: sloths! They're furry -- [ with grave uncertainty ] they have.. two or three toes, and, yes, they're very, very slow. Luckily, we've just received a brand new documentary on these adorable creatures, from a group of students at Staten Island Technical High School. I haven't seen it yet, but I heard it's a real eye-opener! Let's check it out!

[ cut to documentary jungle footage ]

[ SUPER: "Somewhere" ]

[ SUPER: "Deep In The Jungle" ]

[ a heavy metal guitar riff kicks in, as cutouts of sloth photos swing across the screen. The lyrics that bounce upon the screen match the animation of that sloth cutouts throughout the documentary video. ]

Theme:
"SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!

We sleep 18 hours, but we always party 24!
Hunt in packs, and we eat algae off our fur!

SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!

We got 3 toes, but we'll pound down 3,000 Bud Lights!
Break your nose, and kick your face in a punch fight!

SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!

We eat bamboo, but prefer your girls' ***********!
Shank your mom, with a pterodactyl ********* bone!

SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!

Hire a dog, to burn down a hospital!
Eat cocaine, off America's gravestone!

SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!
SLOTHS!!

Don't call us slow
Don't call us slo-o-o-o-o-o-o-owwwwww!!

[ guitar riff ]

Kill all of your friends, and ride their corpses like a carousel!
Put your ****** inside our *****, and kill you if you ever tell!

SLOTHS!!"

[ dissolve back to Karen Donnally at her desk. She is clearly shocked and disturbed by the video ]

Karen Donnally: That was -- that was not entirely accurate.

[ cut back to title slide ]

Announcer: This has been a message from the Staten Island Zoo.

[ fade ]


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