Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 13


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06m: Forest Whitaker / Keith Urban

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

.....Amy Poehler
.....Seth Meyers
Rev. Jesse Jackson.....Darrell Hammond
Rev. Al Sharpton.....Kenan Thompson
Bill Oefelein.....Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: "Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers."

Seth Meyers: I'm Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I'm Amy Poehler. Here are tonight's top stories:

Earlier today, Senator Barack Obama announced his candidacy for President. Upon hearing the news, Hillary Clinton punched a pillow so hard it turned into a diamond.

This week, Senator Obama answered doubts about his experience by saying he has gained tremendous insight from his work as a community organizer, civil rights attorney, constitutional law professor, Key Club president, 4H treasurer, lunchroom monitor, two years of jazz, and four years of tap.

Many Republicans are upset with House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's recent demand for regular use of the Air Force's C-32, the same type of aircraft that the Vice-President and the First Lady use. They're also not thrilled with her demand to be carried around Washington "Cleopatra-Style."

Seth Meyers: Senator Joseph Lieberman said Tuesday that Congress should consider "war-on-terrorism taxes." Or, as they're currently known, "taxes."

The FDA on Wednesday approved over-the-counter sales of the weight loss drug Orlistat. Next up for the FDA -- recalling Orlistat.

Amy Poehler: This week, in an ironic twist, while making a speech on global warming, Al Gore froze to death.

Seth Meyers: With Barack Obama gearing up to run in 2008, pundits are saying that the United States could FINALLY be ready for a Black President. Here to comment are two former Presidential candidates -- Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.

Rev. Jesse Jackson: Uh -- [ repeatedly rubs his nose with his thumb ] Uh -- greetings, Seth and Amy. The age of.. a Black president.. is indeed.. upon us.

Rev. Al Sharpton: [ slaps the desk ] HALLELUJAH!!

Rev. Jesse Jackson: Tonight, we want to talk to you personally, Mr. Barack Obama.. because, you see, in America, unfortunately, there are degrees of Blackness.

Rev. Al Sharpton: Scales of soul!

Rev. Jesse Jackson: Which is why -- which is why we came up with this chart.

[ Al Sharpton holds up a chart labeled "Blackness Scale", which features the heads of Black people lined up along a colored meter ]

Rev. Jesse Jackson: It's our Blackness Scale. Measuring degrees of Blackness.. in the eyes of others.

Rev. Al Sharpton: ie: WHITE PEOPLE!

Rev. Jesse Jackson: Now, understand that everyone and everything on this chart.. is unequivocally Black!

Rev. Al Sharpton: But, perhaps, some are MORE Black than others! Look at it this way: [ indicates the three rising color schemes ] If these people were cars, they would be Oldsmobile, Cadillac, a tricked-out Impara! [ demonstrates again ] Cream in your coffee, straight black, with a shot of Hennessy!

Rev. Jesse Jackson: But.. we ALL.. delicious hot beverages. Now -- [ twitches his shoulders for an extended period ] Now, please observe -- [ squeezes his nostrils ] Mr. Barack Obama, for there is only so much Blackness.. the American voter can take. Now -- [ points to the second tier of the Green level ] if you're here, with the Black Eyed Peas, then you'll be fine.

Rev. Al Sharpton: But, once you get up into here -- [ motions upward to the Yellow level ] you're moving into Allen Iverson territory.

Rev. Jesse Jackson: And that's unelectable. And now, Barack, at this point in time.. you're right -- [ Sharpton picks up a pointer with a cutout of Barack Obama's head on the head, and motions it right above Will Smith's head at the highest level of Green ] At this point in time, you are right about here.. above Will Smith.. but just below Bill Clinton.

Rev. Al Sharpton: But -- this could change, as the American people get to know you better! For example:

Rev. Jesse Jackson: You were raised by a single mother and your grandparents --

Rev. Al Sharpton: Moving up! [ raises Obama to the Yellow level ]

Rev. Jesse Jackson: Uh -- in Hawaii.

Rev. Al Sharpton: Moving back! [ lowers Obama back to the Green level ]

Rev. Jesse Jackson: You have an African name: "Barack."

Rev. Al Sharpton: Moving up! [ raises Obama back to the Yellow level ]

Rev. Jesse Jackson: But in high school, you went by "Barry."

Rev. Al Sharpton: Moving down! [ lowers Obama back to the Green level ]

Rev. Jesse Jackson: You married a Black woman --

Rev. Al Sharpton: Moving up! [ raises Obama back to the Yellow level ]

Rev. Jesse Jackson: But in the past, you dated White women.

Rev. Al Sharpton: STILL moving up! [ raises Obama up to the Red level ]

[ Jesse Jackson is surprised by that result, as Sharpton puts the chart away ]

Rev. Jesse Jackson: But.. we have faith in you. And, as this campaign is innovated and cultivated.. we know voters will be.. mo-ti-vated!

Rev. Al Sharpton: Mmm!

Rev. Jesse Jackson: To FINALLY.. ELECT YOU.. the FIRST.. BLACK President.. of the United States of America!!

Rev. Al Sharpton: It should have been ME!

Rev. Jesse Jackson: Or ME!!

Seth Meyers: Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, everyone!

Amy Poehler: A new survey shows that America's Jewish population has reached 7.4 million. But, for you -- 5 million.

A London hair stylist has been using bull semen to soften his clients' hair. Worse, it's "Bull" from "Night Court."

Seth Meyers: Richard Knoebel, a police chief in Wisconsin, wrote himself a $235 dollar traffic ticket, and docked himself four points on his driving record for driving past a stopped school bus with its emergency lights flashing. Knoebel then argued the ticket and beat himself half to death.

The Reverend Ted Haggard, who was forced out of his church after a former male prostitute alleged that Haggard paid him for sex, says that he is now "completely heterosexual" after attending an intensive three-week counseling program. Hear that gay people? Three weeks. Stop being so lazy.

Amy Poehler: The bizarre story of NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak driving across country to attack a love rival dominated headlines this week. But little is known about the actual nature of her relationship with space shuttle pilot Bill Oefelein, the man at the center of the NASA love triangle. Here to comment on the situation, in an exclusive Weekend Update interview, is Commander Bill Oefelein.

Bill Oefelein: Alright! Alright! Amy, let me just start by saying that this whole thing has been blown WAY out of proportion! If anyone is to blame for this situation, I am.

Amy Poehler: Really? Why -- why is that?

Bill Oefelein: [ chuckles heartily ] What, are you kidding me? Look at me! [ smiles ] I'm a hunk! I fly spaceships. I'm Han Solo, for realsies! In addition, I trained at the U.S. Navy's Fire & Weapons School -- you know what that is, dollface?

Amy Poehler: [ laughs nervously ] No, I don't.

Bill Oefelein: [ chuckles again ] That's Top Gun! As in Tom Cruise Top Gun! As in "Based on ME" Top Gun!

Amy Poehler: [ intrigued, plays with her hair ] Realllly?

Bill Oefelein: [ laughs ] Yeah, now look atcha! [ lays his hand across Amy's backside ] Picturing me riding my motorcycle, playing beach volleyball with my shirt off, getting all sweaty, giving intricate high-fives.. trying to get inside ladies' danger zones! [ smiles ] If you know what I'm sayin'! [ lowers his shades ] Ha ha! Wink! Pretty powerful image, isn't it? You probably feel a little unstable yourself!

Amy Poehler: [ enjoying herself ] Stop it, Billy-O!

Bill Oefelein: Good God, Mama! I bet you're even sexier weightless!

Amy Poehler: [ laughs ] He's such a --

Bill Oefelein: [ laughs along with her ] Hey, you ever thought about joining the 62-Mile High Club?

Amy Poehler: [ impressed ] You had sex in space?

Bill Oefelein: Absolutely, Sweet Pea! And let me tell ya' something -- the best Tang in the galaxy cannot be mixed with water! If you know what I'm sayin'! [ laughs ] Oh, yeah! [ lowers his shades again ] DOUBLE wink!

Amy Poehler: You know, I-I-I wouldn't mind if you stirred my Tang!

Bill Oefelein: Really? I wouldn't mind gettin' you in a pair of Huggies!

Amy Poehler: Wow! That's so sweet!

[ Bill blows Amy a kiss ]

Seth Meyers: Okay, that's enough. That's enough, Commander Bill Oefelein. Thank you. Thank you.

Bill Oefelein: [ backs off ] Yeah, babe. Catch ME! [ wheels away, as Amy waves goodbye ]

Seth Meyers: An Illinois man, who is a Chicago Bears fan, will legally change his name to Peyton Manning after losing a Super Bowl bet. Though as far as his family is concerned, he'll always remain "Rex Grossman."

The Dalai Lama, Tibet's exiled spiritual leader, has been named a presidential distinguished professor at Emory University. The Dalai Lama says that, while it is an honorary position, he will still try to use it to bone some undergrads.

Amy Poehler: A 76-year-old woman from Malaysia, has been reunited with her family 25 years after she got on the wrong bus. And, just as they'd feared, she forgot to pick up eggs.

For many of the Super Bowl's 93 million viewers, the highlight of the broadcast was Prince's halftime performance. 'Cuase, let's face it -- no one plays their huge, erect penis better than Prince.

A savvy billionaire says he's in talks with Disney to build a theme park in the middle Eastern nation of Bahrain. He said the parks will be similar to those in America, with just a few minor differences: [ show Mickey Mouse dressed normally, Minnie Mouse wrapped completely in burqa ]

Seth Meyers: This past weekend, a woman in Atlantic City, New Jersey gave birth to her baby in a casino -- and then another baby -- and then a lemon -- Aagghh! So close! Even worse, during the delivery, she crapped out.

Archaeologists in Italy have discovered a couple buried 6,000 years ago, still hugging each other -- which I'm sure was her idea.

For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I'm Amy Poehler. Good night!

Seth Meyers: Have a happy St. Valentine's Day!

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts