Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 13




06m: Forest Whitaker / Keith Urban

Singing Waiter

Benjamin Tellurine....Forest Whitaker
Anne....Amy Poehler
Reggie....Will Forte
Bill....Bill Hader
Fred....Fred Armisen
Maya....Maya Rudolph

[Opens with an outside shot of Assiago's restaurant. Dissolves to the inside. Two couples share a table. A waiter is bringing their orders, setting plates down]

Reggie: Let's see. We have penne a la vodka, linguini with clam sauce and 2 shrimp Alfredo. Thank you very much for being patient. Enjoy.

Anne: Thank you so much.

Bill: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Reggie: Now while you're enjoying our delicious cuisine here at Assagio's, we welcome you to also feast on the musical talents of one of our senior servers, Benjamin Tellurine.

Maya: Oh!

Anne: Oh!

[In comes Benjamin. He's black with a badly combed afro, shirt and tie. Presents himself with some hand gestures. Talks kind of gay]

Benjamin Tellurine: Tonight I will be singing my own arrangement of a song. "Do not let the sun come down on me" by Mr. Elton Johns. Enjoy. Reggie?

[Reggie pushes play on a portable radio. Music plays]

Benjamin Tellurine:[Sings]"Don't let the sun/come down on me/although I searched myself there is someone else I see/just another fragment of your life to wander free/but losing everything/is like the sun going down on me-e-e-e"

[The couples applaud, very pleased with the performance]

Benjamin Tellurine: "On me-e-e-e-e-e!"[music crescendo]"Don't let the sun come down on me/although I searched myself there is someone else I see/just another fragment[croons on Maya ear, still enjoying the performance] of your life to wander free/but losing everything/is like the sun going down on me-e-e-e-e-e!"

[Applause. They are very pleased with the performance]

Anne: Thank you so much.

Benjamin Tellurine: "On me-e-e-e-e-e!![music crescendo continues, couples getting annoyed]

Anne: What the hell?

Maya: I don't want to be rude.

[Benjamin closes his eyes and dances lightly in rapture]

Benjamin Tellurine: "Don't let the sun go down on me/ although I searched myself there is always someone else I see/ just another fragment of your life to wander free/ but losing everything/ is like the sun going down on me-e-e-e-e!"

Bill: This is it, this is it. Yeah.

[Polite applause]

Fred: Thank you. Thank you very much, sir.

Benjamin Tellurine: "On me-e-e-e-e-e!!"[music crescendo again] Don't let the sun go down on me/although I searched myself there is someone else I see/ just another fragment of your life to wander free/ but losing everything is like the sun going down on me-e-e-e-e!"

Bill: I'm eating. We eat, we eat.

Anne: Let's just eat.

Maya: I'm starving!

Fred: Enough is enough.

[They eat hungrily and ignore his rendition of the song. Song is about to end]

Bill: Oh, thank God.

Anne: Wooo!!

[Applause looking to stop the now hellish performance]

Benjamin Tellurine:"Is like the sun going down, is like the sun going down, is like the sun going down on me-e-e-e-e-e!!!O-o-o-o-on me-e-e-e-e-e-e!!![music crescendo and continues]Ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh ohohohoh, oh oh,oh[Oh's are to the beat of the song]oh, oh, ohohohoh, oh, oh, oh, ohohoh, oh!

Anne: Oh my God! I want to hit this guy with the creamer!

Maya: Anne, that's not right.

Bill: I agree. The creamer is not going to do jack. You know, I'm gonna clip him in the nuts with the bread plate!

Fred: He comes out right when our food came. Makes no sense to me!

[Benjamin keeps singing nonsense]

Benjamin: "O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o, it's like the sun going down on-ohohohohohohohohoho o-o-o-o-o-o-on me-e-e-e-e!!!![music crescendo again, continues]Don't let the sun----[almost indistinct]

Maya: What is happening??!!

[Shot of outside of Assagio's]

Caption: Ten Minutes Later.

[Back to the scene in the restaurant. Music for the song continues and Benjamin is mouthing the words to the song now]

Anne: Why can't we hear him anymore?

Bill: He's singing above any pitch human hearing can detect.

Maya:[mouth full, miserable]Are you sure he's still singing?

Fred: Oh, yes. Still singing.[Eyeglasses shatter on his face]

[Benjamin is in another place with the song. There is a thin, piercing shriek sounding, dogs are barking and howling madly]

Anne: Dogs? There are dogs in here?

Maya: Stop it, stop it.

[Glasses shatter on the table, they explode. Song ends]

Benjamin Tellurine: Thank you. And now----my next song. A timeless classic. "Goodbye, goodbye, Miss America Pie" Enjoy. "A long time ago....

Anne: No!, no!

[They throw bread, the little baskets and utensils at Benjamin who starts anyway another passionate performance]

[Fade]

[Cheers and applause]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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